Today I was walking out of the liquor store when a homeless (I assume) guy asked me for 26 cents. Besides being a rather small amount of money it is also the name of a song I like, so I gave it to him and into the liquor store he went. People always say, don't give them money, they'll just spend it on booze! Well you know what, I just spent my money on booze! Who the hell am I to judge? Am I somehow superior to this guy? I feel like saying, here, get a hooker too, it's on me!

HI BLOGGER. I'm back posting because I had no other place to post this, even though nobody reads this thing. Or maybe that's the point. Once people start reading you have to deal with their OPINIONS. Unsolicited opinions spawn in Satan's underpants. TRUE FACTS.

Okay, enough hyperbole for the evening. I'm always so angry when I come here! Well I am pretty much always angry because the man I love is in Canada and I am not. :( Also, you know, the plight of the homeless, bigots, greedy fucking republicans, all the usual things to be angry about that seem so much more angrifying when the man you love is far far away!

I guess what I am saying is, it would be nice if somewhere felt like home. Eventually. Probably a lot of people in Ohio feel like they are home, but probably a lot of people lots of places do. I just never have. It's an odd feeling, one that produces much irrational envy of people in random states.

I have this weird sort of, obsession? with the midwest. Like it seems so safe and cosy and... ensconced, somehow, to live in a place like Ohio, with other people from Ohio, doing things that people in Ohio do.* It's probably a good thing I'll never actually move there, so the fantasy can stay tucked away in a little happy place in my brain and not suffer the horror of coming true.

People in Ohio did seem very nice whilst travelling through, as did people in Pennsylvania. I like saying "whilst." People will be very nice in Canada, I'm sure. Perhaps Canada will be a sort of very large Ohio?

*I think I imagine people in Ohio going to state fairs all the time, or something. I'm sure it isn't any more wholesome than anywhere else in the country, but I like imagining it is. I always secretly wanted to be in the 4-H Club. Curse my wicked, wayward childhood. May my own children do better, and win lots of blue ribbons.

It's hard to know who you are when you're always alone. It's hard to find what makes you YOU without placing it in context, let alone stick to it. Like when I thought becoming a vegetarian was a good idea, I wasn't in a... colony of vegetarians, as so many others seem to be, I was a lone ranger vegetarian. And it didn't stick. Well ok, maybe I wasn't meant to be a vegetarian at all.

Or when I tried to find religion, I had a genuine interest in at least learning about the bible, etc, but... once again, I was going to church alone, I didn't know anyone and I didn't fit in. I wasn't in a happy bubbly group like all the established church-goers. So it didn't stick. Well, maybe I wasn't meant for organized religion at all.

But what am I meant for? I could come up with a million more examples like these from my life, and they all lead the same place - nowhere. The common denominator is always being alone. It's said you shouldn't define yourself by other people, but isn't that kind of part of having a life? Having a place where you belong, a group you identify with? All I've been able to stick to doing on my own is lazing around on the computer. And now I tend to pick things to do that don't require a group, a context. Solitary activities. It's not satisfying, but it's not UNsatisfying in the way the other endeavors were.

I want to run away to Disneyland.

Oh yeah. Thing #1 that makes me happy: being a giant dork. And being comfortable being a giant dork, and having someone to dork out with.

Like seriously, I want to live at Disneyland. Wait, didn't I write this same thing like 5 years ago?

I can't believe I started this journal 7 years ago. I'd say time flies, but... it really doesn't. It just doesn't seem that long ago. I mean, there are things that happened more recently that seem longer ago because they've lost all relevance.

I think writing here again will be good. I find livejournal very stifling when it comes to writing actual feelings. It's good for graphics and silly posts. Not that I won't be silly here... I mean, does the pope shit in the woods? Right, right.

I don't want to stop writing but I think I've run out of things to say. THAT IS A METAPHOR FOR SOMETHING I THINK.

But I'm tryin, oh lord, I keep tryin...

Apparently when I am very sad I talk in blues songs that don't actually exist. righto.

So umm... I appear to be back here again. There is no way I can possibly clutter up my livejournal with what is currently cluttering up my mind. Which is to say, AHJDHDHHSSHJSJSKJSH. It seems every year about this time I get all depressed and nostalgic and introspective-y and am drawn back here by some mysterious (yet I suspect benign) force. Seasonal depression, thou art a heartless bitch. Long distance relationship, thou art even more so. Bloggy, you take it all with the grace of a camel bearing a shitton of water. Which is to say, I love you bloggy. And possibly something undetermined having to do with humps.

I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF BEING ALONE. There it is in a nutshell. Also I miss things, as I tend to do, but would likely not miss them as acutely if I WAS NOT SO FUCKING SICK OF BEING ALONE.

I think, I hope, I even pray that I have finally met the right person. Of course, he lives in Canada. Of course, I do not live in Canada. STUPID, STUPID GEOGRAPHY. *kicks the border* So this is why, even though I am technically in a relationship, I am still alone all the time and here writing in you, bloggy! Amazing, the irony, innit? The worst part is, as I am feeling this very night, the sense of loneliness and depression I feel WHILE ACTUALLY TALKING WITH HIM is going to ruin the whole thing in the meantime. Yes, I am depresseed and talking to my boyfriend simultaneously because he is not here with me, nor is he ever here with me. One day he will be, or I will be with him rather... presuming the above outlined scenario imagined in the throes of my sadness does not actually happen.

Did I mention, AHJDHDHHSSHJSJSKJSH? I did? Oh, good.

Okay, so I just started talking to him about this stuff. Now THAT'S a first, simultaneously pouring my heart out here and to an actual human being! Could this be... progress? Or something? Something progresslike, like a bird?

I guess we shall see how it concludes! As always I am afraid I will fuck up because I have absolutely no clue what to do with other human beings, and I've already fucked up in this situation, but... he's still here. And the evil little voice in the back of my head chants "for now... for now..." like one of those creepy chanting children in horror movies.

So far so good re: interaction. Okay, this is actually rather funny... play-by-play reporting of the situation. I just need Dick Vitale to jump in and yell, "AWESOME BABY!"

Situation stabilized. Perhaps I should tackle relations in the Middle east next.

Cheerio,
Yak Girl

OH WAIT! In midst of actual human contact, I totally forgot I wanted to make this list of things that make me happy! In no particular order:

MST3K (duh)
The Big Bang Theory
Harry Potter
Disney
certain nostalgical things from childhood, though this is mixed with sadness since most of them are no longer there... hmm... still mostly happy though.
the vintage-look Mickey Mouse t-shirt I ordered from ebay. This item is tied into the previous two the following ways: 1. It is Disney, duh. 2. Of the many things I remember fondly and wistfully about growing up in LA, Disneyland is STILL THERE.
And lastly, of course, the Boy. Not so much this current, text-based relationship which I find constantly frustrating and sometimes depressing, but HIM. He is the reason I'm putting myself through all this, after all.

Sadness, go away from me...
Sadness, go and climb a tree...
*insert blues riff*
and i'm done.

Loneliness should be a blessing, not a curse. Loneliness should be an implement to bring people together in life-changing ways. Instead everyone is proud, and lonelier. Why are people so damn self-defeating?

If only hearts glowed in the dark.

I'm better than this. I like my dorky, ditzy, crazy, spazzed-out self so much. I miss her. I want her back. I get to be her a little bit in CL... ironic, how I am so much more myself in a game than in "real life." Whatever that is. Ironic also that, through no real design of my own, I now have the life I want for myself in a game. Is this a sign I really can achieve these things? It's just so damn much easier to meet people online. I think I will be a great wife and mom, given the chance, it's getting there that's so damn hard. Why can't I meet someone wonderful in real life like I have online? I'm almost jealous... of myself. :P

I wonder how it all will end up. Maybe there are wonderful things ahead. I'm trying to not let my depression seep into my CL life, since it's the one consistently positive thing I have right now. I don't want to ruin it. But by god, sometimes it's hard and exhausting and more than anything I just want someone to talk to. It's a delicate balance. Putting on a brave and happy face, being the person I want to be, yet deep down wanting to be able to show my weakness and frustration and still be accepted. Sometimes I feel if I don't it will start affecting my game play like it does everything else. Yet I like having the fantasy world as a haven away from it all...

And most of all, I wonder if it's just me. I'm very confused. sigh.

...

It feels very real. So real that it hurts. It's everything I want, but it isn't real. And yet I wonder, the motivations behind it... am I the only one who feels this way? God, he just makes me feel so deeply.

Stranger things have happened. :)

I might like life if people could just be honest with each other. I might like it a lot.

RANT THAT I CAN'T PUT ON LIVEJOURNAL TIME

Okay, I admit I got sucked into the sparkly teen vampire bonanza that is TWILIGHT. I knew it was crap, but in the way that a giant sugary jelly doughnut is crap. NOMNOMNOM. But now, I am officially sick of it and feeling a bit ranty. Especially when I read lj. It's all EDWARD CULLEN and EDWARD/BELLA which I realize is mostly what the books are but... AGGGGHHHH.

Edward is BORING. He is boring and one-dimensional and has nothing going on other than obsessing on Bella. Jacob is so much more interesting! Bella is more interesting when she's with him, riding motorcycles and such! Edward is so over-protective I would imagine life would be very boring, cooped up in a house all the time. Even if it is the Cullen MANSION and even if Edward is all HAWT and SPARKLEH.

No amount of sparkles make up for lack of personality. I know, I've tried!

So, yeah. I'm over Twilight. It's just everywhere, and it's making me angry.

On the brightside, the Pats are playing in a snowstorm, which is always good times. The fans are throwing snow in the air and the Pats are winning 14-0. I like when these kind of happy memories don't change, they just keep on adding to the happy memory pot.

I haven't looked out the window. I'm not going to, I don't think.

I opted for the spring green laptop. It was just... calling to me, like spring and trees and birdies.

Tweet!
~ L.

Okay, I'm feeling better. Even though the internet is DEAD. WTF?? Isn't half the country covered in snow? Though I think a lot of the Clanners are on the west coast, so they're probably out having fun in the California sun. Well, it might be cold there too. But for instance, probably nobody in CA's car looks like a big sad white hunchbacked thing sitting in their driveway.

One reason I'm feeling better: I sort of have this feeling something is gonna happen. Then when nothing happens, I feel bored and depressed again. But, the feeling persists! I don't know why.

Also, I just found out I'm getting a new laptop AND portable DVD player for Christmas!! Now my hardest life decision is whether to actually choose a PINK laptop or be a bit more sophisticated in my choice. I'm not sure I can resist the pink. :P But those are the two things I really wanted right now, besides a newer car, and a life.

CAN I HAVE A LIFE FOR CHRISTMAS PLEASE?

Shiny laptop though!!!

I'll be making another post, on another subject, so this one ends here!

I'm watching a movie with some creepy dead psychic guy and a bunch of reanimated corpses. And sorority girls, of course! Why do I watch movies like this?

It has Meg Tilly in a ruffly 80s sweater, so that's good.

Spent part of the evening reading old posts in an inactive yahoo group I used to manage. Constructive eh? Apparently I used to say things like "vanished into the inky void." Good to know. Then I checked another group (Douglas Adams) and the latest post was "check out my new boobies!" And then another group (Letters to Cleo) and guess what?? NEW BOOBIE CHICK HAD STRUCK AGAIN. Gyeeah. I hate spambots. It's just... sad. So sad!!

Why is everything I love gone?

Apparently no one plays CL anymore, either. Maybe they all play WoW. I don't want to play WoW. I want to play CL. Though probably, one of these days I'll try WoW from desperation and fall in love with it and then end up missing it when everyone else moves on to something else. STAY PUT PEOPLE! I MEAN IT. DON'T MAKE ME COME IN THERE.

I dislike change. I like CAPSLOCKY RAGE.

Trace Adkins does a song called "You're Gonna Miss This" and it's like the truest thing EVER. You really will end up wanting everything back so enjoy it while you have it, I guess. Or try not to let it go in the first place, if you can. Life experience isn't replaceable, nor is time, so don't take a moment for granted.

bah. I'm all introspectivey. I hate when that happens. I'm entirely too sober for this.

I have a hankerin' to watch Hobgoblins, and so I shall.

Love,
Frankie, Sniffles, Bounce-Bounce, and the Claw.

I don't understand vacuuming at 9:30 in the morning, but then I don't understand anything at 9:30 in the morning except spacing out in front of the compy with a cup of coffee. I'm not usually even up at 9:30 but it's bottle recycling day. Very noisy. And then someone started vacuuming!!

I don't understand mornings.

Also, come to think of it, this building has hardwood floors. What are they vacuuming?? I hope they have like a giant area rug or something and they're not vacuuming their furniture. That's... disturbing. Very neat people are worrisome, like they would vacuumn ME if I let them. Or was in a very deep sleep. *shudders*

I signed back up for Clan Lord yesterday, since it's available for windows now. I can only play on my mom's computer, for some reason. But I'm glad to have it back. I sort of missed it. I always miss everything and it's nice when something's still around, waiting for me. There was hardly anyone on though, I hope it's not always like that.

The Big Bang Theory is on tonight, which is my new favorite show ever. I heart nerds. Sometimes I wish my life was more nerdly.

I really have to cut my nails. I can hardly type.

Other than that, everything pretty much sucks. I'd love to think I could start writing in here again, but I seem to have mostly lost my muse. Maybe I should look under the couch.

your early morning pal (zoinks!)
~ L.

Ahahahahaha!

The Woo Girls!! I thought I was the only one who noticed the disturbing trend of young women who are supposedly friends calling each other bitch and skank and whore, but someone else noticed too! Thank you, How I Met Your Mother, for validating my disdain.

God I wish I could have that dream every night.

Everyone always says they're happy and fine, but I wonder if anyone really is?

My favorite place to be is lost. Like driving down a back road and you don't really know where you are but you want to keep going forever kind of lost. It feels right. Maybe because I don't really belong anywhere right now. But the open road... that belongs to everyone.

Do I have nothing, or nothing to lose?

My favorite sound is the train late at night, riding out of town.

Every night I wait for that low, distant whistle to take a part of me with it, out into the world. I wonder where my train-self goes. I wish I could go with her.

I keep reinventing myself
because I never wanted to reinvent myself at all.
I wanted to already be who I was
but I never was.
You see?

It all makes perfect sense I swear!!

Ohey!

I forgot I actually had a place where I can say whatever the hell I want! LJ is full of assholes. I am so sick of other people and their opinions. Ok so that's probably some of my own issues speaking. I am prone to feeling stupid and out of place. But when I disagree with someone, unless they're a bigot or something, I'm respectful of them. And when people disagree with me with BRAVADO, like basically making me feel like a retard, that's when I want to crawl in a hole. This? Here? Me crawling in a hole. I know that I don't treat people the way I don't want to be treated. I'd feel guilty. It would keep me up at night that I might have made someone feel small.

Has it really been this long??

Have I really had nothing to write about all this time? *thinks* Well today for some reason when I was driving to the store I read Smithfield Ave. as "Shithead Ave." and I was like, what a strange name for a road! So, that happened.

I am needing an escape from lj and those girls I wrote about in my last post. The soullessly foul-mouthed fake lesbians. (Why soullessly foul-mouthed? Because they do it with no passion. Swearing should mean something, it should emphasize something! But they say fuck like you'd say potato, and it takes all the interest out of the word. Not to mention what it does to the potato!)

Anyway, I had one of those girls on my friends list and she "unfriended" me. (Horrible word!) And I was relieved. I was never gonna call her a ho and tell her to come over and fuck me like all her other friends, so you could see why it would be a bit of a relief. But like anything involving social contact or lack thereof, it also made me a little sad. Because it's like proof. You see, I WANT to be wrong about myself. I want the reality to be, "you think you don't fit in but you really do! We love you even though you are apparently Amish or something!" But no... I really don't fit. And I'm also not Amish. But I guess I might as well be. Well I like being wholesome, so fuck 'em. LOL IRONY... also, proper usage of "fuck." Fuck with meaning!!

I guess on that note, I'm outta here.
~ Your barn-raising pal

Sometimes I loathe livejournal. I can't believe the way other women talk to each other!! It's all swearing and sex and mock insults and fake lesbianism. For example, "c'mere cuntbag so I can sit on your face! I love u!" I'd type more examples but, I'm still recovering from that one. And they all do it! What the hell planet have I landed on? Is this like Planet of the Apes where they discover it was earth all the time and YOU BLEW IT UP, YOU BASTARDS!?

I mean I know it's just a jokey way of talking but I find it unsettling. I don't think calling each other bitches and ho's and cunts ALL THE TIME, even in jest, is healthy and I really don't get the fake lesbian I-wanna-sex-you-up stuff. I have no problem with actual lesbians, but... ??? I just can't imagine talking to another woman like that. Or any other human. This is why all my friends are men. or robots.


umm. Forget I said the part about the robots :/