Wednesday, September 21, 2016

I looked at the charts. Why did I do that?

I've been listening to music I actually like, and haven't paid attention to the charts in a while. Apparently I was tired of being happy and in a good mood, so here we go!


Kelsea Bananarama is number one. Screw that, and go listen to Bananarama. At least they're girly pop with some personality.

2. Kenny Chesney ft. P!nk. ...I don't know what to do with that information?? I like both of these artists separately, but... just but.

3. I already discussed the Dierks Bentley/Elle King song and why I am unimpressed. Two artists who can do way better.

Skipping over FGL, Sam Hunt, Jason Aldean, etc. Nothing more I can possibly say about that.

5. Billy Currington - It Don't Hurt Like It Used To. Here's one that if you put more 90s-style production on it, I'd probably actually enjoy. It's not a bad song, and I love Billy's voice, but DAMN modern production to hell. It just sounds so empty and sterile to me. What happened to the warm tones I used to love? This doesn't even flatter his voice. If you want to hear production I love on a Billy Currington song, listen to "Let Me Down Easy." He sounds amazing, and the song actually makes you feel feelings.

Already talked about "Vice." Miranda in the top 10 isn't a bad thing, but this song just doesn't grab me. Meh production strikes again.

Cole Swindell is still a thing. How? Hooooow? HOOOOOOOW? Who is buying music by boring ass people like Cole Swindell, Charlie Puth and Shawn Mendes? It's like giving some random clerk at Best Buy a music career. BRING INTERESTING BACK DAMMIT.

9. Tucker Beathard. TUCKER. BEATHARD. Are you freaking kidding me?? What, was "Punch Rockgroin" too subtle?

Maybe a David Ryder-nicknamed guy is actually preferable to all the interchangeable Cole Luke Brett Chase Kanes, idk. I do know that the song is called "Rock On" and I am supposedly looking at the country charts, not a Michael Damian greatest hit album, so I'm not even gonna listen to it. Psssst... if y'all are so desperate to rock, TRY BRINGING ACTUAL ROCK BACK INTO THE MAINSTREAM. #protip

11. William Michael Morgan - I Met a Girl. Wait, what? Nice voice, nice production, actually sounds country... he must have some serious dirt on some executive to get this played on country radio!

I was talking about the "warm" tones so prevalent in 90s country, and hey, here they are. It has kinda a similar vibe to Mark Chesnutt's "I Just Wanted You to Know," and while it isn't up with that song for me (since that's one of my absolute favorites from the 90s), just being reminded of it in 2016 is a small miracle. I don't know if they were purposely trying to copy a 90s sound on this song, and I don't care. Just keep doing it. In the 90s, this would have been a good song. In 2016, it's freaking country Jesus. And one step closer to actually filling out my top 10 best hit songs list, so thank you!

12. Man, has Keith Urban gotten boring. And he wasn't exactly Mr. Excitement to begin with. The Air Supply of country music.

13. Oh Blake, your petty little song kinda tanked, didn't it? How sad.

14. Luke Bryan - I Hated it the First Time When it Was Called Country Girls Shake it For Me. Cover it with gas, set it on fire.

15. LoCash not even worth my time.


17. Introducing "Brett Young," the newest member of the Interchangeable Country Dude Name Club. Go on, I dare you to tell him apart from Bryan Chase or Kane Moore! *sigh* I miss Tuck Slabbeef already.

22. 80s Mercedes - Maren Morris. Guys... I think we did it. I think we found the least country "country" song to ever hit the charts! Yes, I am including Sam Hunt! Wow... just wow. Way to lose every bit of goodwill built up from "My Church" with this utter pop GARBAGE. A shoo-in for my top 10 worst list.

You know what, I'm not even gonna do the pop chart after that. That's all the shitty pop music I can stand today.

Actually wait, I do wanna touch on the new Gaga song. It's not great, BUT, the chorus has a Madonna-esque vibe that drew me in a little. Like, this is the kind of song I would expect Madonna to be making now rather then... what Madonna is actually making now. I think Gaga can do better, but it's far from one of the worst things I've heard this year. Well, that's not quite fair. The sound of a car backfiring or a thousand farts would be better than most of the mainstream music I've heard this year. And... yep, that's the note I'm going out on. A thousand farts. Bye!

Thursday, September 01, 2016


I'm feeling very 80s today, like full 80s, like 80s level orange. So here's Steve Perry and Kenny Loggins. Don't say I never did anything for you, internet.

*doesn't fight it; dances around room*