Sunday, August 05, 2012

I want to put more positive energy out there. I feel so much better when I do.

I just don't want the answer to life to be "stop caring" or "don't care so much." That seems like a really defeated way of not being sad.

I want the answer to be "pick apples" and "sing camp songs" and "take your cat for a walk in the park."

Saturday, August 04, 2012

See, I feel like I've been living on Mars for the past couple months. And I'd really like to stop feeling that way.

This is a world that has Maru in it after all, and cookies, and Three's Company reruns and country music and MST3K and abandoned house videos and burritos and a whole host of things that make me feel safe and happy. But why can't life ever make me feel safe and happy, just once? You know, the part with the other people in it, and the things?

I'm tired of using my comforts to escape my life. Why can't my life ever BE the comfort?
I am playing dominoes, and cl, and watching tv, in an attempt to stuff my brain full of enough stuff that it can't think thoughts.

All I want is to feel safe again.

I am, unless the world explodes or something me-like happens, getting married in less than 2 weeks. To the man I've waited 3 years to be with. This should be the happiest time of my life, but because of circumstances, it isn't. I truly feel like I'm not allowed to enjoy, or even possess, anything in this world. This world is not mine. The thing I've most looked forward to my whole life has been infused with such anxiety and fear that they're now one and the same. Something which should represent safety represents just the opposite. I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm insulted, but I'm oddly not surprised. Because this world has never been mine, at least not since I was a young child, and every time it and its machinations move farther out of my reach, the less surprised I feel. Ok, maybe a DULL SURPRISE. (MST3K, one of the few things that never lets me down.)

I do apologize for the negativity, but sometimes it's the only appropriate response.