Friday, January 31, 2014

So, my favorite internet cat died. I'm very sad about this, mainly because a beautiful, funny cat is gone way before his time and I'm gonna miss him so much and I feel heartbroken for his person who loved him.

I'm also sad because it's something else that's gone.

The circle of life no longer exists, or it does, but it's become the circle of crap. There was a time when you lost something - and I am moving beyond the loss of a cat here, which is obviously irreplaceable, and into more esoteric terms - and could at least feel a small comfort that something new would come along to make you feel better. Life's about changes, nothing ever stays the same. To quote a great country song from the 90s that would make me burst out crying if I listened to it right now. Anyway.

That sentiment didn't used to send me into a GIANT SPIRALING VORTEX OF PANIC like it does now. Because good things go, but what happened to the good things to take their place? Everything I love has been replaced by reality shows and FUCKING AUTO TUNE. Real talent co-opted by fake talent, by cheap, empty, easily marketable throwaways. It's the pizza flyers left on your windshield of culture. When something that's decent, that's ACTUAL ANYTHING gets out, it feels like a mistake, like it escaped someone's watch.

But this post is, really, about a cat. So thank you, Colonel Meow and "slave beast" for giving me something I could enjoy and relate to in this world. You will be missed in so many ways. The world needs more like you. There will never be another Colonel obviously, but can I dare to hope something else great, a little tulip of hope, will spring up in his place?

Monday, January 06, 2014

Things that spawn in Satan's underpants

1. unsolicited opinions

2. people's opinions on the internet, especially in

3. comments sections on the internet

4. the new york yankees

5. truck ads (they should just say "buy this GIANT PENIS to replace your tiny one!")

6. people who say, "do you ever talk?"

7. the entire current pop music industry

It's getting a bit crowded down there.

I want to have children, but I'm not sure I want to have them in a world where this doesn't exist.*

*Okay it technically exists, but only in a time warp where people still own record players.

This record pretty much taught me all of my values. ALL OF THEM. And they're all good ones. Take care of your pet! Don't be greedy! Be nice to your parents! Don't procrastinate! (Well, I'll get around to that one eventually.) And they were sung to you by a nice woman with a cheerful voice instead of an artificially colored dinosaur, or similar. You could just tell she was nice, probably wearing her crisp 1960s schoolteacher dress and Mrs. Brady hairdo and smiling and being all "Let's sing a song, children!"


I mean, let's face it. Things are pretty much getting worse every year, and at a rather alarming pace. Despite progress in medicine, science, technology and civil rights (the last being sadly lost on a great many people still, but they're probably also lost on science and the subtle art of tying your shoes), humanity seems to have... backslid, somehow. I don't believe humanity is happier as a whole than it was in the 60s or the 80s, in fact I think it's much unhappier and in denial about it. Because what we've lost, is simplicity.

I want my Happy Thoughts back.

My thoughts for this and every new year are: it's nice to be hopeful about the NEW BEGINNING but the truth is, all you can really hope for is to live your life happily and right, in whatever way works for you, and not screw up. Happy new year, try not to fuck it up this time! Because this world is geared more and more towards helping you fuck up so if you can resist that, and try to find and even spread some happiness, you're probably not doing too bad.

Oh, and maybe buy a record player.

When sexy becomes annoying!

I've been watching the inevitable "worst songs of 2013" lists and so... Miley Cyrus.

I know, maybe it's pointless to rant about someone everyone talks about. I should probably hate on someone no one has ever heard of (would that make me the anti-hipster?) Whatever, I got stuff to say so I'm sayin' it. Hopefully it'll be a bit more enlightening than the standard internet comment fare of "lol slutt" etc.

First of all, I don't care if she is a slut, or is faking being a slut, or is actually a virgin and laughing at us all. Her sexuality is her own business, no matter how hard she tries to stick it down our business. The number one thing I have to say about Miley Cyrus is, SHE'S NOT MADONNA.

I was a huge Madonna fan back in the day, when I was still a fan of things that were currently relevant. And the reason these pop stars always get compared to Madonna is because SHE WAS THE ORIGINAL. Who was Madonna ever compared to? Nobody, because there was no female pop star like her before her. I don't like comparing people to each other, but the ONLY one I would actually compare to Madonna is Lady Gaga. She's interesting. Her music isn't unlistenable garbage. Miley Cyrus is like a sneeze that won't come out. There's just nothing there. I mean jesus, I'd even take Kesha over her. At least Kesha is a sneeze, for pete's sake. There is absolutely NO substance going on behind that ugly nude bodysuit thing and foam finger (I don't wanna know what is going on behind the foam finger). It all feels calculated. Madonna, in her most controversial moments, always felt genuine to me. She had star quality without trying too hard. Miley is nothing but tryhard. And I'm sorry, but while Madonna rocked the short platinum blonde hair in a 50s bad girl way, Miley just looks like Justin Bieber in lipstick.* Her whole act seems to be saying "Suck it, Hannah Montana" but at least Hannah Montana was cute. And by cute, I mean didn't look like a pre-owned blow-up doll.

*who am I kidding, Justin Bieber is Justin bieber in lipstick. And that is the last time that name will grace my blog. It's like the Voldemort of pop singers.

I also wanna say, as much as I hate the "twerking" (I cannot type that "word" without sarcasti-quotes), it actually isn't the worst part of the "song" Please Make it Stop, I mean, We Can't Stop. I'm going out on a limb and saying the twerking actually makes it more interesting, in the way a house fire makes a nap more interesting. Okay. Moving on.

Let's take Madonna's Like a Prayer song and video, which was very controversial at the time for its mix of sexuality and religion and burning crosses. I loved it, and still do. First of all, it's kind of an interesting concept to begin with. It isn't shallow. And I never thought "LOL she's trying to be controversial" it was just... Madonna.

I don't want to harp on the appearance thing too much, but... this is just gorgeous imagery. Artistic even. The lighting, the images, Madonna herself, never has someone looked so good standing next to a burning cross. Ok maybe that isn't high praise, but still.

This is just ugly... UGLY! I'm not saying Miley is ugly, she isn't. But she's making herself as repugnant as humanly possible! Is this really what we want from our pop stars? At least Lady Gaga has a kind of performance art thing going on when she looks hideous. This look says, "trailer trash under the foul lighting of a K-Mart dressing room."

And oh yeah, her "music" is horrible and she can't sing worth a crap. That's par for the course these days, but still relevant. If her "songs" didn't all sound like a woodchuck on downers in a blender, she might be forgiven more easily. OMG poor woodchuck.

Now I'm sure Madonna herself would say, "Go Miley, go do your thing," and she'd be right. Everyone should do their thing. And if this is really what she wants to do then by all means, go get it done. I just feel this stink of desperation coming off of her like, "SEE I'M AN ADULT, SEE SEE? I HAVE SEX AND TAKE DRUGS AND EVERYTHING!"

So I guess my main point here, besides what I feel makes someone a genuine star, is when did growing up = SEX TIME!111!1? When did growing up not = idk... ACUTAL MATURITY? It feels like in her Herculean* efforts to show she's "all grown up," she's acting more juvenile than she did as a teenager. I mean, "Party in the USA" is sheer poetry compared to this freaking mess. I miss her wearing that cardigan. I miss her wearing anything. And in all seriousness, this is a troubling trend in young women. You need to grow up before you "grow up." Let's call the faux I'M EIGHTEEN I CAN SHOW MY BOOBS NOW YAY kind of growing up "grown-uppiness". To be grown up you need to identify yourself in a way that isn't sexual; exactly the opposite of Miley's grown-uppiness. It's like playing dress up but the closet is filled with EVERYTHING THAT'S WRONG WITH SOCIETY instead of your mother's dinner dress and pearls.

*if Hercules were ugly nude bodysuits instead of loincloths, or whatever. And licked inappropriate things. Ok, possibly not my best metaphor.


So yeah. I don't think people are hating on this crap because she was an innocent child star and OMG SHE HAS A TONGUE NOW. She's not looked down on for her sexuality, because this isn't actually sexy. It's sexuality as conceived of by a bunch of apes sitting around a table (or a bunch of drunken frat boys, whichever is lower down on the evolutionary chain). I don't approve of women actually being looked down on for their sexuality, but this is the sugary cereal version of sex. It's like Alvin and the Chipmunks pole dancing. To paraphrase the classic MST3K quote, it's so in your face and annoying it stopped being sexy a long time ago.

And as always, I might hate on these pop stars but the real culprit is YOU, the bad music listening public. Stop listening to this crap and it will go away! You can't really blame them for putting it out there if people actually buy it. Well you can, but not as much.