God I wish I could have that dream every night.

Everyone always says they're happy and fine, but I wonder if anyone really is?

My favorite place to be is lost. Like driving down a back road and you don't really know where you are but you want to keep going forever kind of lost. It feels right. Maybe because I don't really belong anywhere right now. But the open road... that belongs to everyone.

Do I have nothing, or nothing to lose?

My favorite sound is the train late at night, riding out of town.

Every night I wait for that low, distant whistle to take a part of me with it, out into the world. I wonder where my train-self goes. I wish I could go with her.

I keep reinventing myself
because I never wanted to reinvent myself at all.
I wanted to already be who I was
but I never was.
You see?

It all makes perfect sense I swear!!

Ohey!

I forgot I actually had a place where I can say whatever the hell I want! LJ is full of assholes. I am so sick of other people and their opinions. Ok so that's probably some of my own issues speaking. I am prone to feeling stupid and out of place. But when I disagree with someone, unless they're a bigot or something, I'm respectful of them. And when people disagree with me with BRAVADO, like basically making me feel like a retard, that's when I want to crawl in a hole. This? Here? Me crawling in a hole. I know that I don't treat people the way I don't want to be treated. I'd feel guilty. It would keep me up at night that I might have made someone feel small.

Has it really been this long??

Have I really had nothing to write about all this time? *thinks* Well today for some reason when I was driving to the store I read Smithfield Ave. as "Shithead Ave." and I was like, what a strange name for a road! So, that happened.

I am needing an escape from lj and those girls I wrote about in my last post. The soullessly foul-mouthed fake lesbians. (Why soullessly foul-mouthed? Because they do it with no passion. Swearing should mean something, it should emphasize something! But they say fuck like you'd say potato, and it takes all the interest out of the word. Not to mention what it does to the potato!)

Anyway, I had one of those girls on my friends list and she "unfriended" me. (Horrible word!) And I was relieved. I was never gonna call her a ho and tell her to come over and fuck me like all her other friends, so you could see why it would be a bit of a relief. But like anything involving social contact or lack thereof, it also made me a little sad. Because it's like proof. You see, I WANT to be wrong about myself. I want the reality to be, "you think you don't fit in but you really do! We love you even though you are apparently Amish or something!" But no... I really don't fit. And I'm also not Amish. But I guess I might as well be. Well I like being wholesome, so fuck 'em. LOL IRONY... also, proper usage of "fuck." Fuck with meaning!!

I guess on that note, I'm outta here.
~ Your barn-raising pal

Sometimes I loathe livejournal. I can't believe the way other women talk to each other!! It's all swearing and sex and mock insults and fake lesbianism. For example, "c'mere cuntbag so I can sit on your face! I love u!" I'd type more examples but, I'm still recovering from that one. And they all do it! What the hell planet have I landed on? Is this like Planet of the Apes where they discover it was earth all the time and YOU BLEW IT UP, YOU BASTARDS!?

I mean I know it's just a jokey way of talking but I find it unsettling. I don't think calling each other bitches and ho's and cunts ALL THE TIME, even in jest, is healthy and I really don't get the fake lesbian I-wanna-sex-you-up stuff. I have no problem with actual lesbians, but... ??? I just can't imagine talking to another woman like that. Or any other human. This is why all my friends are men. or robots.


umm. Forget I said the part about the robots :/

My new computer background! I'm gonna miss the one I had (Mike, Joel, Crow, and Servo on the SoL, from Soultaker) but right now that is making me think of the offseason and that is bad bad bad!! Saturday is "TRUCK DAY" and i wish I could stowaway! haha how awesome would that be... hitch a ride down to FL with all the batting equipment and stuff, like a baseball hobo. yup that's me!

That's all I got... it's like slushing out today. It's like living in a slurpee machine. without y'know, the blue goop... ok I'm done.

oh random internet quiz, that might just be the nicest thing anyone's ever said about me! *is touched*

I miss writing... more specifically, I miss having something to say. I miss being honest. I know I'm gonna feel better when baseball starts, and winter's over, but... I wish I didn't feel so damn DEAD this time of year! A little spark of life would be nice. It's like, I've run out of everything and I'm waiting to be restocked. Like in Hitchhiker's Guide, where the ship is grounded for hundreds of years because they were waiting on the lemon-scented napkins, or whatever? Yeah, it's kinda like that.

WHERE ARE MY NAPKINS YOU BASTARDS!!

~Your lemon-scented pal, L.

Dear New England Patriots,

Thank you for an awesome season and a heckuva fun ride. Nothing can take away the amazing journey we as Pats fans had this year, nope, not even a Super Bowl loss. Be proud, boys... most of us don't ever get that close to history.

Thanks and much love,
a fan

Now... ARE YOU READY FOR SOME BASEBALL??

(also, somewhere Larry Csonka is happy and that's a little bit of a good thing, right?)

I downloaded some "normal" music today (like, top 40 stuff everyone listens to) and I discovered something: when I find some of that music I LIKE, I feel really good. I actually feel more connected to the universe. as long as I never download any Britney Spears or Ashlee Simpson or, y'know, Lindzee Twatface or whatever, I think I'm safe. (They all have those names that end with an "eee!" sound, for whatever reason.)

So... I haven't been doing very well lately. And I haven't written about it, because I feel I owe it to, well, myself, to write about the ups and downs of life with at least a dash of humor, and I feel utterly humorless. That is a terrible way to feel. I thrive on humor. I thrive on always being a little step above the world because part of me is cocking an eye, and laughing.

I don't know what's more sad... that I'm watching something called My Big Redneck Wedding, or that I just paused it when I went to the bathroom. durp. Well the groom has a barstool on wheels... it's awesome!... sorta.

bride to minister: Where were you ordained at?
minister: Uh, the state prison.

I'm watching the old American Gladiators, featuring Saint Larry Csonka. I used to watch this show religiously, so now it makes for wonderful nostalgia (with the added bonus of Larry Csonka humor courtesy of MST). I watched the show so much I actually remember all the contestants. No, that's not sad, that's AWESOME.

Other than that... nothing. My life is made up of a lot of nothing right now. Almost as much nothing as The Starfighters, but without the sexy refueling scenes. So... more nothing, I suppose. Well, I'm sure something will happen eventually. It will be very, very good when January is over. I hate this month.

Of course, I hate February too. But March... ah, March! March is the start of all that is good and right with the world.

Well, I am now about to watch something called 20 Greatest Redneck Moments, followed by something called My Big Redneck Wedding. That 'bout sums it up. yup.

~ Love, Cindy Lou (my redneck name!)

Blech!

That's what it is doing out right now. It is bleching. But, I am snugabug at home with piles of chicken, so that's all that really matters. And I just had a long bubblebath with a tequila sunrise, closed my eyes and pretended it was summerish, so that was nice too. <3

Go pats! go celts! go sox! HOORAY FOR EVERYONE!!

A while back I ranted about this girl who was being a total bitch for absolutely no reason. She finally got called out on it and made an apology post. Except at the end she said, "you know I don't care if I'm a bitch, at least I'm upfront and honest!" Which doesn't sound like much of an apology and is also NOT TRUE. And then, this friend of hers piped up saying "You don't have to apologize for anything, at least you're not weak and 'phony nice' like everyone else," and then quoted Morrissey of all people, saying "the world is designed for bores" or similar.

Allow me to rebut.

1. "BITCH" is not a viable personality option. It is an unfortunate mood swing. If you think talking crap to everyone makes you upfront and honest, that simply means you are full of crap. Being a bitch does not make you "strong" or "real or "cool," it makes you every bit as one-dimensional as the "phony nice" people you hate so much.

2. "NICE" does not always equal phony, and it sure as hell doesn't equal weak. In fact, it gets harder and harder to be a genuinely nice person in this world, esp. when there are so many cynics who don't even think there is such a thing. No one should be "nice" all the time just like no one should be bitchy all the time. But "nice" IS a viable personality option, which to me just means kindness and fairness and rationality is your default position, rather than "FDHFHBDBEUHDEBUEHBFUCKYOU!!FNDOUUEYDFUCK!" And guess what? If you're usually kind and fair and rational, people will be more likely to listen to you if you're genuinely upset about something. If you're always flying off the handle, it's a bit like the boy who cried wolf, isn't it?

3. Morrissey also said, "It's so easy to laugh. It's so easy to hate. It takes strength to be gentle and kind." I would give my RIGHT FUCKING NUT to have had the guts to reply to her with that, to throw her own dear depressed British popstar back in her face. Especially since it's exactly what I was just saying, but no one would listen to me saying it.

4. Nice, mean, good, bad. Whatever. To quote Tom Servo (yes I'm quoting a gumball machine robot puppet, SHADDUP) on his reply to "Only the good die young:"
"Most of us are morally ambiguous, which explains our random dying patterns."

HAPPINESS IS~

Getting email from lj addressed to "mrs. rowsdower."

I am quite possibly the most easily amused person on the planet. :P

Ok it's that time.

We are off to see the Pats (hopefully) beat the fierce Jags. I am wearing pink glitter! You might say, hey that's a bit excessive, one should at least wait until the super bowl to bring out the glitter, but I say no. Carpe diem baby! Glitter and victory!

~til later <3

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first article title on the page is the name of your band.

2. http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.

3. http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/
The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4. Use your graphics program of choice to throw them together, and post it in your own journal.



1. MY BAND IS CANADIAN. WOOT.
2. THIS IS A QUOTE BY OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES WHO IS SOME SORT OF DEAD ENGLISH PERSON. might be confusing him with winston churchill...? ANYWAY, YAY

Ooer that was fun. I can't stop saying "ooer," i've been saying it all week! Ooer! Help! shut me off please, there's a little switch in the middle of my back. thank you.

Soooo last night I took a break from Canada and went to... Japan! Yes, it was the thrilling first installment of the Fugitive Alien series. Will I be singing "he tried to kill me with a forklift" all day long? Likely. I want to start my "watching every ep in order" dealie, but I have to muster up some... whatever, mustery stuff... to get into season K. I've only seen one ep, and it wasn't bad. The DVD quality was better than expected (though I've heard that's not the case for all of them), and the segments were goofily entertaining (mostly for the squeetasticness of young!Joel & Trace), but the MOVIE! The riffing is more far-spaced and I think the movies are WORSE. oy. So maybe I'll just start with the Crawling Eye and end with season K. And watch Final Sacrifice 47 times inbetween, of course. *nod*

I also watched Sunday's TAR episode, and I miss Kint and Vyxen so bad! They are without a doubt my all-time fave team. I have never seen anything so hilarious as them arriving in Romania in their matching pink and black outfits and proclaiming, "oooo it's so gothy!" Yessss I am sure Romania is quite "gothy." LOL they were comedy gold. And damn fine racers, actually. If only they'd u-turned Horrible Couple instead of Don and whosit, they'd still be in. And the Horrids would be gone!

Also, why were K & V called the "dating goths" but TK and Rachel aren't the "dating hippies," and Nate and Jen (the Horrids) aren't the "dating assholes?"

I also watched the new American Gladiators last night lol. It's pretty good ~ it's really hard!~ but needless to say, I MISS LARRY CSONKA!! (And I thank AG for my even knowing who the hell Larry Csonka is) :P

Well folks, it is 64 DEGREES here today, so as soon as I finish my coffee I am outta here! In flip-flops no less!! hmmm I have a near-inhuman craving for a roast beef sandwich. We're talking Carnivore City here. Perhaps I'll head over to the Beef Barn (yes there really is a place called the Beef Barn, and it really looks like a barn, and there's a cafe next to it called Coffee and Cream, and I'll just let you use your imagination on that one).

On second thought, Woonsocket defies imagination. And should probably be renamed to Carnivore City.

byeeeeeeeee! <3