Friday, October 31, 2014

Feel Good Friday - Happy Halloween

In honor of my favorite movie, which we'll be watching tonight, and HALLOWFUCKINGWEEN BABY - it's feel good time!

Headline about stupid-ass thing of the day:

"Happy Orange and Black day: Canadian schools turn against Halloween"


This garbage pisses me off SO MUCH. In case you couldn't tell. Look, I know this could be seen as small beans in comparison with terrorists and ebola and other depressing ass crap going on in the world, but here's why it actually isn't: BECAUSE of all the depressing shit in the world. We NEED fun things like Halloween, and taking it away because a handful of people might get offended is not only ridiculous, it makes the world a bleaker place. Everybody loses.

Not only did I love celebrating Halloween as a kid - what kid doesn't - I still cherish those memories 30 years later. Those kind of childhood memories are something I turn to for comfort when the world gets to be too much. So not only are kids today missing out, their future selves are too. What's next, banning camp songs? Baking cookies? Going outside without supervision - oh, wait. :(

Remember when the OMG OFFENDED types used to be the enemy? A source of derision, like the Harper Valley PTA? And now they're actually winning. I don't want to hear about political correctness or sensitivity for fuck's sake, Halloween has nothing to do with race, religion or anything that gets people's panties in a bunch. And if it for some reason does, well they can just wear bunched panties for the day.

My childhood memories are pretty sacred to me, and this kind of crap is like someone spit on them and stomped on them and then vomited candy corn all over them. It's out of control, and it needs to be reigned in by common sense before we lose all the things that actually make life enjoyable.

I need feel good Friday, stat.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

I would like to address one of the stupidest, most overused words on the internet (and real life too, thanks Taylor Swift): "Haters." This word meant something at one time, I think, but is now spewed out with such frequency it has lost all meaning.

I briefly touched on this in one of my Cher Lloyd posts. I said something like, "If you suck, you do not have 'haters.' You suck, and people are reacting accordingly."

Because "haters" is now used to describe pretty much ANY kind of criticism. Criticism is and always will be valid if it makes a point. I get that "haters" is meant for youtube trolls and the like, sad little people who put down others to feel better about their shitty lives. But that label does not apply to someone who is making a genuine criticism, even if it's edged with snark. (Cause really, it's a lot more fun to read and write that way.)

"Haters" is nothing more than a blanket statement now. It means nothing. If someone disagrees with you, they must be a hater! If someone doesn't like your product, they're just jealous!

NO. It's called having an opinion. It's kind of been going on for a while.

But, you might ask, shouldn't you promote "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all?"

In most contexts, yes. That is appropriate advice for, say, a family reunion, or your neighbor's ugly Christmas sweater. It is not appropriate in the field of pop culture, except when people focus on criticizing someone's weight/clothes instead of their actual work. That is a hater. Saying music you think is shit is, in fact, shit, will never be "hating." It's necessary.

Another reason why growing up in the 80s really was better:

I watched this today for the first time since it aired in 1983. This special had a profound effect on me as a kid, so much that I remembered it all these years. I think I enjoyed it as much today as I did then, though partly for different reasons.

Watch how kids acted/were portrayed back then. Like... real people. Not the ridiculous, cartoonish, over the top, camera-mugging stereotypes of the Disney Channel and their ilk today. When was the last time you saw something where kids actually acted like kids? To be fair, one of the kid actors in this special is Christian Slater, but the little girl who didn't go on to be famous was also incredibly good. I miss this so much. The 80s had their share of annoying, precocious screen kids, but there was also plenty of stuff like this. And nothing as obnoxious as those Disney channel characters now! Blecccch.

The other reason I like this special so much is the same reason I liked it back then. It inspires kids to use their imagination and explore. Which is exactly what I did. The weekend specials were shown at like 11AM on Saturdays, and after I watched this one I spent a good part of the afternoon exploring my basement and backyard for hidden rooms and treasure. This was over 30 years ago, and I still have a clear memory of that day and how much fun I had just being a kid and letting myself imagine. I hope kids today with all their tech things and playdates and mall trick or treating get to experience stuff like that sometimes. Because if they don't, they're missing out on the kind of childhood they'll remember all their lives.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

I often see the phrase "what is real country music?" thrown around, as in FGL fans arguing, "Who are YOU to say what real country is?"

While what makes a musical genre sound authentic isn't exactly quantifiable, it's kinda like "you know it when you hear it," I'm gonna take a stab at it anyway. What is country music to me?

1. Not FGL. Okay, okay, serious time.

1. Traditional country instruments. Fiddle, steel guitar, banjo (not spamjo), etc.

2. Strong vocals that sound like a human being singing, not a robot.


3. Lyrics that tell a story or make some kind of point about life. Humorous, serious, or some of both, on topics that are generally relatable to the everyman and woman. Love, heartbreak, family, loss, working, drinking, etc.

4. And on the subject of drinking... country music generally has some kind of moral center, even when talking about cheating or alcohol abuse. There are consequences. Classic drinking songs aren't about gettin' drunk, gettin' laid, and... that's it. Because that's the plot of a porno, not a song. Classic drinking songs are usually two sides of the coin. Drinking and regret - you know you drank too much. Maybe you're an alcoholic, maybe you were drinking to forget. You wake up saying you'll never do it again, but you probably will. Or, drinking to blow off steam. You work hard all week, so Friday night you're gettin' drunk. These are the fun drinking songs, but there's a relatable theme. The other side of the coin is you have to go back to work on Monday, so live it up while you can.

Whereas most of today's drinking songs are just about getting drunk for no reason, and with no consequences. BOOOOOOOOORING.

So in summary: traditional instruments, strong vocals, no additives or preservatives, lyrics that have a point and some kind of moral center. That's country music to me. That is not most of today's popular "country" music. Hence my umpteen rants on this blog. And to those who insist country must evolve, yes, music always have and always will evolve. But when it loses sight of the basic qualities that actually make the genre what it is, like real instruments and meaningful storytelling, can it really be called country music anymore? If humans evolve into... giant bugs, would they still be human?* No. They'd be giant bugs. Excuse me while I find my can of Raid.

*Yes, I do find the categorization of Sam Hunt or FGL as "country" about as ludicrous as humans turning into giant bugs. It's bad science fiction ludicrous.
I'm bored. Quick, somebody do something stupid!


Not even a worthless headline to be found. I never thought I'd miss stories about what spangled running shorts some starlet wore to the proctologist, but HOLY BALLS is everything depressing and somber right now. I take back everything I said, bring back the stupid!

Monday, October 20, 2014

Ehh country music is so freaking BORING right now. FGL sucks again, ho hum. They took a one-song break from sucking. I don't even find their brand of suck interesting anymore. It's like watching a dog do the same trick for three years.

There are a couple decent songs out there I guess. Carrie Underwood's new single is strong, but she's only had one really bad single (ironically, the duet with my favorite current country artist, Miranda Lambert) so nothing new there. And no gloriously bad new thing for me to snark on. Just BORING. So yeah, that's the state of country and my blog right now. A thousand yawns.

At least I have Rocktoberfest.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Feel Good Friday

Since it's Rocktober - yes, I've committed to that - here's another upbeat 80s classic!

Tomorrow night we're going to the Deadmonton Haunted House, which is almost as good of a pun as Rocktober.

Friday, October 10, 2014

And just in case anyone thought I was being ridiculous, "sexy Chinese takeout" exists.

As does sexy house (???) and sexy Big Bird. Just waiting for sexy Oscar the Grouch, cause seriously, I would be all over that.
So it's that time of year, when a woman such as myself must decide which unnecessarily sexy thing to be for Halloween! Sexy pineapple, sexy insurance salesman, sexy ball of twine? The possibilities are endless! I think this year I'm going with sexy oatmeal. Cause nothing says hot like a nutritious breakfast!! (I wanted to be sexy Dora the Explorer, but they only make those for up to age 6. *weeps for society*)

*leers at pineapple* How you doin'?

I don't actually dress up for Halloween.

Feel Good Friday - Do you remember where we used to dance? edition

I want to hug all these songs. And my childhood. ♥

My disdain for current pop culture has somehow made me a HUGE Journey fan. Like, even more than I was in the 80s.

I think the exact moment I retired my last give-a-damn for current pop culture was when I was stuck in a bus station, and they had that soul-obliterating TMZ show on. I'd somehow managed to steer clear of this abomination up to that point, maybe because I have half a brain, but when you're stuck waiting for a bus you apparently have to surrender the last half of your brain. I have never wanted to literally throw myself in front of a literal bus before, but holy crap. That was the end, my friends. I think I finally went into the bathroom to escape. Yes, staring at a toilet in a bus station bathroom is better entertainment than TMZ. And certainly less full of shit.

But at least these songs exist forever.

Wednesday, October 08, 2014

Aaaaaaaaand worthless headline of the day:

"Jessica Simpson Is Airport Chic In Lace Shorts"

Cause when you think sexy, you think airports, amirite? I know when I'm about to be felt up by security, I want to be wearing lace shorts. Makes the experience more intimate, you know?
I Don't Know What to Call it Headline of the Day:

Red Bull: Energy beverage maker agrees to $15 million settlement for false advertising claims

You mean... it doesn't actually give you wings?! WTF, I am so disappointed. Next you'll be telling me Chihuahuas can't actually talk and my clothes aren't soft because of an anthropomorphic teddy bear who lives in my laundry basket.

My main thought after watching The Flash last night: OMG ED!!! Like I used to watch that show every week, but I totally forgot that guy existed. Then I looked him up and he's OMG CANADIAN!! For some reason, my head was telling me he was actually from Stuckeyville, Ohio.

Friday, October 03, 2014

Meow meow meow meow...

Oh. My. God.

You know when you feel like something was written just for you, even though rationally you know it wasn't? Yeah. The Meow Mix jingle sung as a parody of bro-country. The world actually makes a little bit of sense right now. I'm gonna go buy some Meow Mix, they have earned my loyalty forever with this one. Also, my cats ask for it by name!

Feel Good Friday, sort of - October edition!

To celebrate the start of my favorite month, here's my list of top 5 "eerie" sounding classic rock songs:

5. Bad Company - Bad Company
4. Rhiannon - Fleetwood Mac
3. Bad Moon Rising - CCR
2. Don't Fear the Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult
1. Hotel California - The Eagles

Cause in Rocktober, it feels good to be creeped out!

Yes, I said Rocktober.