Thursday, January 31, 2013

I need a T&T break. Excuse me, a T&T FIESTA.

"If someone takes my crown, I kick them in the crotch!" - 4 year old girl

"It's pageant pimpin'!" - pagaent director/crazy person

Jesus! What is this, a Nicki Minaj song? What the hell is happening here? I'm waiting for a 3 year old to call another 3 year old a stupid hoe. I'm waiting for this with the sad inevitability of one standing on the shore watching a sinking ship.

One thing I've learned this season is there is a very fine line between "pageant director" and "crazy street person."

This woman is one shopping cart filled with severed doll heads away from being someone you'd cross the street to avoid.

Miss Crotchkicker's Mama: "Facial beauty is very important these days, it's the first thing everybody sees!"

As opposed to the old days, when people walked up to each other butt first.

Crotchkicker, to another contestant: "You don't look pretty in that dress." Ooh burn... little girl. Next she'll be trying to rock them ugly jeans, jeans, jeans. Well, I guess we've found little miss Want u Back's level. UNGH!

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Now that I've spent a week listening to and talking about some of the worst music I've ever heard, I'm gonna return once more to 'Friday.'

It's really not that bad.

Okay, it is. But. I don't think Friday became a big ol' viral hot mess because it was bad. Lots of things are bad. I think it became popular because it's entertaining. Unlike a lot of real hit music, it isn't mind-numbingly uninteresting (cakecakecakecakecakecake) or so up the butt of its own ego and pretense that the music is just a footnote. It's awful music, but damn, it's unpretentiously awful, which is more than I can say for... pretty much everything else.

And at least she wonders "which seat can I take" and not "which guy can I bang," which is definitely a step in the right direction. I'm looking at you, katy perry and kesha. not that katy would even need to choose, at least according to her. she is totally taking up both seats at once, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. POOM! God, I hate that I know that. :( I'll take friday over last friday night any day of the week HAHAHAHAHAHA why did I listen to all those horrible songs?? *burns ears off*


No, I'm not sticking up for Friday or the retarded 'producers' who made it. But as a cheesy, low budget movie fan, I can't help make the comparison. Which is why it's no surprise the song became big after Mike Nelson, of the show that brought us "Manos the Hands of Fate," wrote about it. Friday is the Manos of pop music, at a time when almost everything else is the musical equivalent of the Hollywood blockbuster that doesn't deliver - big, loud, and empty as an easter basket in July. If Friday is Plan 9 from Outer Space, then keshakatygenericguyrappingaboutmoneyandhoes(I'll just call him Lil Dick* to keep things simple)rihannajustinnickiraejepson is Battlefield Earth. Or maybe it's Armageddon. No, not the movie, the actual End of Days. Anyway, I know which one I'd rather watch.

*what, his name is richard and he's short. geez.

I think when people heard friday, they felt the way I do all the time. "Wow, this is really bad... YAY!" Because bad and interesting is a lot more fun than dull and popular. and bad.
Okay, I really don't wanna justify the existence of this skidmark by making another post about her, but... oh hell, yes I do. This is just too hilarious.

I just heard her first "song" and... wow. If you could name one thing that's been missing from modern pop music, what would it be? Musical instruments? Well, yeah. But something else. Something that might not be obvious, but when you hear it it's like yes, YES, that was the missing piece!

Well, if you said "random old songs you probably sang on long car trips with your parents," you are correct! The chorus is the melody of... My Darling Clementine. Yeah. What's next, She'll be Comin Round the Mountain when she Comes? On top of old Smokey? The Farmer in the Dell? 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall? Actually wait, that would be perfect for Kesha. She's already done the "there's a place in france where the naked ladies dance" song, so this would actually be a level up in maturity for her.

Maybe that's the point. Maybe we all want to be back in that car of childhood, singing happy little songs and eating Mcnuggets on our way to the Grand Canyon or Disneyworld or the World's Largest... Fried Egg, or whatever.

But does it have to be so ear-blisteringly bad? Listening to this song is like being ripped apart and eaten by clowns. Brightly colored, painful and messy, with nothing left in the end but a pile of bones and glitter. Taste the rainbow of fruit pain! It also addresses the legion of "haters" this chick apparently has by shouting at them hatefully. Aww, you mean it's not just me? Damn. Well, I'm not particularly surprised. To hate this is to be human. The only thing that does surprise me is that the paradox? irony? created by this song didn't make the universe explode and eat itself. "Let's write a song about haters and make it the most hateable thing since... EVER!" This is worse than Hitler's pajamas. This is like Osama bin Laden making a rap video called "Kisses to my Bitches."

Also. If you suck, you do not have "haters." You suck, and people are reacting accordingly. Deal with it.

Where 'want u back' is the musical equivalent of Dudley Dursley throwing a tantrum because he got 36 presents instead of 37 (and YOU, all you who bought it are enablers, you are the Mrs. Dursley of music fans!), this... thing has all the swagger of a cranky two year old refusing to go to bed. There's just nothing relatable here, no voice of reason, no nougaty center. This is the black hole of culture. The idiots have taken over the asylum, and they have a bedazzler. If your idea of entertainment is watching bratty kids screaming at Wal-Mart because they can't have ALL the candy, then this is the music for you. I can't imagine why anyone else would listen to this.

Dreadful sorry, Clementine. And I do mean dreadful.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Thanks (but no thanks) to some otherwise awesome music reviewers on youtube, I have stumbled across something even worse than dontcha wish your girlfriend was a steaming pile of narcissism hot like me.

Ahh yes, the classic love triangle of a man, a woman and another woman's... jeans. Not since Rebecca Black's SEAT INDECISION 2011 has so much been said about so ltitle. Seriously... what the hell is this bitch bile??

It's like, all the strippers hooked up and the result was this bratty little turd. Let's see... you dump some guy cause he lacks "game" (clearly a deep, meaningful relationship), he rightly moves on with his life and starts dating again, you change your mind and instead of saying, "I'm sorry, I made a mistake," you start ripping on him for dating after you dumped him and making bitchy comments about his new girlfriend's... jeans. or something. Well... that's lame, but also really uncalled for! Who the hell thinks like that? "And the Grammy for Best Sociopathic Grunting goes to..." this clown, whose name isn't even worth mentioning.

And, "upgrade?" He's a person, not an... iPad, you pathetic piece of everything that sucks about the world. Maybe he was only a loser cause he was with you, huh? Ever think of that? Maybe you're the loser here, missy. Maybe the new girl and her jeans are good for him, and that's why he seems so desirable. But your caveperson brain can't think beyond "ME WANT! FIRE BAD! UNGH!"

The "angry ex" song only works if you were the one who got dumped. If you did the dumpin and regret it then well, it's Hootie time.

Or if you're gonna be an obsessed vindictive stalker, at least be self-aware enough to own it. (Not that comparing Miranda and this sneering brat is fair, but I'm not in the mood to be fair. so mnyah.)

That's why want u back sticks in my craw, its complete lack of self-awareness. Somehow it's the guy's fault. Or his girlfriend. Or her... jeans. Anyone's fault but your own, you entitled little snotface. All that matters is what you want, and screw everybody else. Please, let's just be something else. Let's not be this.

Now Melissa, you might say, aren't you a little old to be caring about teen pop songs? And the answer is, HELL NO. If anything, I have the best perspective to evaluate this song. High school was a longass time ago, and I still feel the pain inflicted by little pissfaces like this. So if you think this behavior is cute, funny or cool, take it from me. It leaves scars. Don't feed the mean girls. Tell them to fuck off.

And don't do drugs, kids.

I can't even contrast it with anything from the 80s, because nothing in the 80s was that shallow. Material Girl? Nope, that was self-aware and clever. And good. This is everything that's wrong with the universe. This is all four horsemen of the apocalypse. This makes cakecakecakecakecakecake sound like the Hallelujah Chorus. At least, it's probably already been forgotten by anyone who cared about it in the first place. I'm going to go scrub my brain now. UNGH!

Friday, January 25, 2013

Okay, continuing on! Before I do, while this list is generally 80s/90s, it'll probably be mostly mid-80s-early 90s cause that's when I was really listening to pop music. In the early 80s I was listening to, you know, songs about how to go to the potty, so I apologize if I miss some cheese-tastic disco leftovers and whatnot. And sometime in the early 90s I went country, cause there were all these exciting new artists and pop seemed kind of stale. So yeah.

Also, before doing this I researched some "worst songs of the 80s" lists and I don't agree with most of them. "We Built this City," which was number one on at least one list, will not be on mine. I don't like it, but I don't find it that offensive. "The Final Countdown" will also not be on my list, because it is the very definition of awesomely bad. I could listen to that cheesy synthesizer riff all day. So mnyah. "Safety Dance" also falls into that category. I really like Sunglasses at Night, Come on Eileen, Karma Chameleon, Mickey, 99 Luftballoons, and a bunch of others I saw on there. I mean, that stuff IS the 80s. It's classic. My list is... the unclassics.

7. I Saw Him Standing There - Tiffany

Tiffany remakes the Beatles. What name doesn't belong there? Hint: it isn't The Beatles. To be fair, I loved I Think We're Alone Now back in the day. I still kinda like it. But this is just unnecessary.

6. Rump Shaker - Wreckx in Effect? (too lazy to check it)

I wanted to pick one song that perfectly captures the cheesy club music of the early 90s. This one is bad, and not awesomely bad like Baby Got Back or U Can't Touch This. Just stupid and a waste of space. Though I have to give them credit for what, at the time, seemed like the dumbest lyrics ever. At least they had the decency to say "all I wanna do is zooma zoom zoom and a boom boom." Today it would be "all I wanna do is f*ck you in the -" ok, you get the idea. Rump Shaker, not so horrible with a little perspective. But still bad.

5. Naughty Naughty - John Parr

This is so cheesetastic I almost hate to include it. But, damn. I can deal with Journey, I can deal with Styx, I can even almost deal with Foreigner. But this is just too mullety for me. It crossed some sort of mullet line there's no coming back from. This is direct-to-beer-commercial music. Also, the title gives me the uncomfortable feeling that John Parr wants to spank me.

4. Electric Youth - Debbie Gibson

I LOVED Debbie Gibson's first song, Only in My Dreams. I still think it's a good, catchy pop song. But... that was pretty much it. Next was Shake your Love, which was pretty much the only lyric in the song. Then some sappy ballads that should have stayed safely contained in her poetry journal. I bet it had unicorns on the cover. And then... whatever the hell electric youth is. It sounds like something that would be repeated over and over at some motivational seminar/cult meeting. The future is electric youth... you are the future... you are electric... buy my book... hail satan. And they're all wearing like, legwarmers and sweatbands. I'm not too thrilled with how the future turned out, but at least it wasn't Electric Youth. whew.

3. Love of a Lifetime - Firehouse

This song is why the words "power ballad" make my eyes twitch uncontrollably to this day. This crap was big in the late 80s/early 90s. Let's see, we had When I See You Smile by Bad English, High Enough by Damn Yankees, I think even Motley Crue did a power ballad. Yeah. But this one is the worst. Why? Because FIREHOUSE beat Nirvana at the grammys for best hard rock artist. That was the moment the grammys lost whatever legitimacy they had ever had, and really it was a win for Nirvana, because it made people see what a ridiculous celebration of mediocrity awards shows are. God, this song is AWFUL.

2. Girls Girls Girls - Motley Crue

Yup, a song named after the sign outside of strip clubs. This is a great idea, just drive around town all day looking at signs and you've got a whole album. I can't decide whether to call my next song "Milk - 3.49 gal." or "Everything Must Go!"

1. Okay, I hate myself for doing this, but it's a tie. I just CAN'T DECIDE.

Every Rose has its Thorn - Poison

Just like every night has its dawn. Just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song. Have you been reading my diary, Poison? It's like you're speaking right to my soul. I didn't think the band that brought us Talk Dirty to Me and I Want Action and Unskinny Bop (all of which could have also topped this list) was capable of such intimate self-reflection. I wonder what this newfound introspection will bring next? "A Bird in the Hand is Worth Two in the Bush." That is so true, Poison. We should appreciate what we have. Please, enlighten me further. "An Apple a Day Keeps the Doctor Away." Why, that's entertaining and informative! Do go on. Or... don't.

Yes, Poison, every rose does have its thorn. Just like every songwriter has a list of stupid cliches he turns to when he needs a fast hit to pay off his dealer. And oh yes, just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song. Of course. The only redeeming quality of this song is you can hear actual instruments being played on it. But that wasn't such a big deal back then.

I Want Your Sex - George Michael

A lot of people slam Wham!, but I never had a problem with them. Their music was an appropriate level of cheese for the time. It was harmless fun.

But then... look, I've already covered this topic a million times. I know you're trying to be provocative, and that's just it. You're trying too hard. It's not sexy. Feeling that you're entitled to sex is about the LEAST SEXY thing I can think of. Guess what, if you've been romancing some chick for a while and she doesn't seem interested, SHE DOESN'T WANT YOUR SEX. It's time to move on before she says I Want a Restraining Order.

Also, I want your sex? Since when is sex something you possess, like a clock radio? I want your toaster, baby. Yeah. I want your Barbie Dream House. Well fine, here, you can have my sex. Now go play with it in the other room and leave me alone.


Don Johnson - Heartbeat

This is one of the worst things I've ever heard, but I couldn't muster the energy to take it seriously as an actual song. It might as well be called "Herp Berp" by Don Johnson's White Sportcoat. I mean, those jackets were the real stars. That's gotta suck. He's even being upstaged by the light blue t-shirt.

Also from the "actors who inexplicably decided to sing" category:

Bruce Willis - Respect Yourself

He really should have taken his own advice.

Eddie Murphy - Party all the Time

This always sounded like "my girl wants to potty all the time," in which case, she needs VESICARE(tm)! Vesicare(tm), for all your bladder control needs.*

*Warning: may cause seizures, vomiting, stalking, chronic wedgies, the uncontrollable urge to punch clowns in the face, justin bieber (you don't think he was born, do you?), extreme golf, belly button-itis, deep feelings of personal inadequacy, mild genocide, renouncing your god and worshipping a small family of chipmunks, and/or death. But at least you won't have to potty all the time.

Rick Springfield

I wanted to put this guy on here somewhere just cause he looks like such a leather-vested douchebag, but alas, none of his songs were horrible enough. So this will have to do.

STUPIDEST TITLE: I've Never Been to Me

Um, what? A person isn't something you can go to like the Grand Canyon, let alone... yourself. Is this some kind of weird self-improvement slogan? A travel brochure? "This summer, come visit the lush tropical paradise of YOU!" This barely beat out "Get Out of my Dreams, Get into My Car," which, even if it sounds like a thinly veiled kidnapping threat, at least makes sense. sort of.

In conclusion! There has always been bad music, and there will always be bad music. But will there ever be good music again?
Here we go... the top 14 80s/90s-ish songs I wish I'd never thought of again, dammit.

14. Crush on You - the Jets

This song is just bland and generic and devoid of... anything. And that's what I said when I was ten. I don't know how I even remembered this song, it wasn't that big of a hit. I guess because it struck me as an 80s Call me Maybe. I have a crush on you, so call me maybe! A totally forgettable little pop song that says nothing new and changes no one's life. Except... apparently Call me Maybe is the Second Coming of bloody pop music, people are speaking in tongues and waiting for the freakin rapture. But it's not. It's the second coming of the Jets. It's the same warmed over crap. What's wrong with you people?

13. Rock me Amadeus - some German dude

I guess this is the... gangnam style of the 80s? This falls under the wtf category, but it isn't interesting, it's just bad. This confused me as a child, and I can't say time has brought any clarity to the matter.

12. Bad Boys - Miami Sound Machine

I liked a lot of their music. Conga was festive, the ballads were pretty, and I still glance behind myself every once in a while to make sure the rhythm isn't gonna get me. But this song, ugh. Bad, bad, bad, bad boys. You make me feel so good. Knew you would. You call me on the phone, it goes ring ring ring ring ring ring. Seriously, those are the lyrics. And the music isn't interesting enough to make up for it. This is a dumb, throwaway song I can't believe made the top 10.

11. I Wanna Sex You Up - Color Me Badd

Some early 90s crap, for a change. This song just always made me cringe, even when I was a teenager who was supposed to... swoon, I guess? over the prospect of 5 guys wearing purple leather jackets wanting to sex me up. Again. Sexiness is allure, it's mystery, it's flirtation, it's not slamming sex into your face with all the subtlety of a Mexican wrestler. EL SEXO!

And, color me badd? That sounds really... well, gay. "Tonight, we're going to paint the town BADD!" And he swishes his hair and jumps into his gaymobile. I dunno. All I know is, there is nothing right about this band or this song. They had a couple other totally forgettable hits, but this one stays with me. Like the still-smoldering cigarette your stalker leaves in the ashtray to let you know he's been there. Yeah... sexy.

EDITED TO CORRECT: It was only 4 guys. And only one of them wore a purple jacket. but still.

10. Cherry Pie - Warrant

I almost didn't put this on here, because it's so obviously bad and kind of campy and funny now. But I remember the OUTRAGE in my little teenaged heart the first time I saw that woman with pie on her crotch. WHY IS SHE LETTING HERSELF BE OBJECTIFIED LIKE THAT? DOESN'T SHE HAVE ANY SELF-RESPECT? But now we have Kesha, and the crotch-pie girl just looks... quaint. Yep, cherry pie has become the good old days of innocence. Weep for yourselves, people. But I still really hate it.

9. This One's for the Children - New Kids on the Block

I never hated NKotB, I was pretty neutral on them. As hard as I tried, I couldn't find anything really offensive about them. Until this song. Wow, what a saccharine sachet bag of cliches this thing is.

"Many people are happy
And many people are sad
Some people have many things
That others can only wish they had
So for the sake of the children
Show them love's the only way to go
'Cause they are tomorrow, and people, they've got to know"

Okay, you care about starving children in africa or wherever more than picking up acid-washed groupies at the mall. That's noble, I get that. But GAAAWD, couldn't you have have found a slightly less simplistic way to express it? It's like the world's most boring Dr. Suess book. Or a nursery rhyme. "This little piggy was happy, this little piggy was saaad." And your mom pulls the sad face. I mean, the ladies who write hallmark cards are going DAYUM, man, can't you find some fresh material? At least no one had ever said "Hangin Tough" before (and never would again). Unless this was written by Mrs. Dinglehoffer's 3rd grade class, it is not acceptable as an actual song.

8. Nobody's Fool - Cinderella

Dear GOD, that nails on the chalkboard voice. It sounds like a train trying to brake to avoid hitting a cow. SCREEEEEEE *gears grinding* SCREEEEEE SCREEEEEEEE mooooo - then silence. RIP cow. Your untimely demise helped make a Cinderella record, if that helps any. No, I didn't think so. When people think "bad hair bands" they think... well, Warrant maybe. Cinderella isn't even on the radar. But that screeching weasel voice has been haunting me for years, and maybe now I can finally let go.


My husband just got home. he was supposed to pick up a package for me at the post office. The package was physically THERE, but he couldn't pick it up, because the bloody computers were down. Why does that matter a flying turd? Well apparently, they have to enter the transaction into the computer. Umm...

You do know there's such a thing as PAPER, right? It's what we used to write stuff down on back in the pre-madison days (oh yeah, worked that one back in!) Have we twisted ourselves into such a technology-dependant pretzel that we no longer remember how pen and paper works? Or that they even exist? "What's this flat white stuff? Ooh, is this the new iPad? Cool! How do you turn it on?" Yes... Haydyn, or whatever names these fools have, it's called iPaper, and it's so revolutionary you don't even have to turn it on. "Whoa!" HAHSHDHJFHFJDHHFJSHEDDHBDJPP *head explodes*

songs continued next post. if I can put my brain back together

Thursday, January 24, 2013

And just to be completely fair... my next post will be the stupidest songs of the 80s and possibly 90s!

To do this, I'll have to locate the universal signatures of bad music, the lowest common denominators. Be it shirtless frat guys in stupid hats music-to-ogle-drunk-chicks-by, overblown RAWK, vapid teenybopper crap*, dangerously high mullet-to-band-member ratio, mind-numbing dance beats or just plain WTF was that, I will do my best to find the worst.

*the 80s didn't really have boy bands. they had duran duran. who were AWESOME. I guess nkotb started in the late 80s, but most of the decade was boy band free! We did, however, have Debbie Gibson. so.

Also, while I'm here. The frat guy mentality never ceases to amaze me. The sheer effortlessness of their smug, smirking contempt, like they were born wearing a stupid trucker hat and holding a heineken. Criticize their crappy music, they don't care, just crank it up higher bro. These people are impervious to everything. NASA should build rockets out of that shit. Someone should bottle it and sell it to the rest of us. I mean, we could all use a shot of stupid bravado sometimes.
In assessing today's music, I have to ask myself honestly: Is the problem just that you aren't the target audience anymore? Would you have liked this stuff as a teenager?

Well for one thing, I'm in my 30s, I'm not exactly old. It's not like I should be playing bingo and listening to... polka, or something. So I'm a little annoyed that popular culture is so skewed toward youth now (in 20 years they'll be targeting embryos) that I feel like its freakin mother. "Turn that noise off and do your homework!"

And second... well, the short answer is no. I wouldn't have liked this stuff as a teenager. All I have to do is compare the music I liked then to the music of today, and I think the results speak for themselves. I still like all these 80s songs, today, whilst in my 30s. And not just as nostalgia, I think it's genuinely good music.

Ah, Holiday by Madonna. This is kind of the quintessential 80s song to me. It's so happy and always makes me think of the beach.

Kesha. Makes me think of shooting up in a dark alley outside da club.

We Got the Beat by the Go-Gos. A tight, catchy pop-rock song with great harmonies and cool chicks playing their own instruments. It's happy and makes me think of the beach, as pretty much all good 80s songs do.

Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus. Generic, canned background music, something that is either singing or a coyote with its tail caught in a blender, stupid lyrics, and I can never unsee that pole dance no matter how hard I try. What a mess. (To be fair, I might have liked this when I was 9-10 years old, back in the Kids Incorporated days. But it wouldn't have lasted beyond that. And Martika was awesome. random martika shout out. i miss her. anyway.)

Saving All My Love for You by Whitney Houston. Never mind how she ended up, this is how I'll always remember her. She had a beautiful voice and this is just a pretty song. The kind that doesn't exist anymore, cause it sounds like actual music, and we can't have that. Quick, sample the hell out of this thing! :( I'm sure someone probably already has, in vulgar fashion.

cakecakecakecakecakecakecakecakecakecake by Rihanna. Yeah, we've already discussed this one. Somehow we've gone from "saving all my love for you" to "I wanna f*uck you right now." I think if we can pinpoint the moment that happened, we can figure out what went wrong with the world. And try to fix it.

Push It by Salt n Pepa. Yeah, PUSH IT! Push what? Push the button, Frank? I didn't know. I didn't care. This was the song I did the white girl dance in my bedroom to. I'll never look that stupid again. I miss those days. Man, female rappers started out so promising...

Stupid Hoe by Nicki Minaj. 'nuff said. Most people seem to hate this song, but it was still popular. Not sure how that works.

Billie Jean by Michael Jackson. I was never a huge MJ fan, but damn, this song soothes my sore ears.

Robot in a Blender or whatever by Kanye West. ... eh ... hmm... Man, Michael Jackson really had a good voice. Ok, moving on.

Girls Just Want to Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper. Cyndi comes home in the morning light, and professional wrestler dad is mad, but dammit, girls just wanna have fun! Now when I listen to this song, I don't get the feeling that Cyndi was doing anything more til the morning light than dancing and having a good time with her friends, maybe putting a new pink streak in her hair, that kinda thing. If she was doing more than that I don't wanna know about it and bless her, she doesn't tell us about it. Also, it's happy and makes me think of the beach.

Last Friday Night by Katy Perry. "There's a stranger in my bed, is this a hickey or a bruise?" umm ok... girls just wanna have fun, I guess? with a random dude who might have smacked them around during sex? Ok... a little off the original point, I guess, but let's keep going, maybe it gets better!

"Pictures of last night ended up online, it's a blacked out blur but I'm pretty sure it ruled!" teeheehee, drunk naked pictures of me online, my life is ruined forever and no one will ever hire me, teeheehee! but girls just wanna... have fun... i guess... "We went streaking in the park, skinny dipping in the dark" Well, that doesn't sound too bad, at least not the kind of thing you'll regret forever "Then had a menage a trois" ... oh. :( Okay, we need Captain Lou from the last video to get in here and lay the angry dad smackdown on this chick STAT. I think she needs it a lot more than Cyndi did. She also got arrested and had her car towed and is broke. But hey, girls... fun... whatever.

I'm gonna end this with two songs. The first is probably my favorite 80s song, sung by a woman with a beautiful voice that's both tough and vulnerable. She somehow manages to sing "those were the happiest days of my life" like her heart is breaking. Still gives me chills.

Back on the Chain Gang - the Pretenders

And now, my least favorite song OF ALL TIME. How far we have fallen. Oh, there was some wretched crap in the 80s too, but there was so much good, and it was popular. The Pretenders song was a top ten hit. These days, no one would even know about it.

Yes the immortal "i'm hotter than your girlfriend" song by a bunch of strippers. AIM HIGH SISTER. You know, if I could say just ONE thing to the world it would be, "less hot chicks deserve to get dumped for more hot chicks." It's just such a positive message. It's the "no fat chicks" trucker hat of music. I would also tell the world to drink lots of Bud Light Lime and vote for Donald Trump.

And while I appreciate your efforts to make me feel insecure in my own skin, Ms. Doll, I somehow end up feeling sorry for you and your pathetic need to put down other women. I might never be rich or famous or "hot" lol, but I have something that's been a foreign concept for a long time, and that's decency. And dignity. okay, that's two things.

NO MATTER WHAT THEY TAKE FROM ME, THEY CAN'T TAKE AWAY MY DIGNITYYYYY... LEARNING TO LOVE YOURSELF, IT IS THE GREATEST LOOOOOOOOVE OF ALL! Okay, it's a little sappy and heavy-handed. BUT. The message is still important. Please, young women of today, this is empowerment, not being "hot" and slutting yourself out. It might feel empowering in the short term, but it's empty calories. It's the Big Gulp of empowerment.

~~ The More You Know ~~

EDIT: lol I just had to wikipedia the stupid pussycat dolls song, didn't I. I'm a glutton for punishment. Billy Johnson, Jr. of Yahoo! Music said, "front and center, the stunning Nicole Scherzinger, surrounded by good company, pranced around in tank tops and short shorts while drag racing in convertible jeeps. They raised the bar."

They RAISED THE BAR. From what, exactly? Warrant's Cherry Pie video? Outtakes from Girls Gone Wild? Grainy footage of a hobo getting beaten up? Just where was this bar you speak of to begin with? I HATE YOU MEN. YOU TOO WOMEN. GO AWAY EVERYBODY.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Okay, so back to current male... artists? For lack of a better word? I hate a lot on current female artists, but why don't I hate much on equally sucky male artists? Well the same reason I don't love on them, I guess. They're kinda boring. Let's see, we have the pretty boys who just get more bland and uninteresting with each new incarnation. I never thought Backstreet Boys would seem interesting compared to anything, but... Justin Beiber.

Then we have the one generic rapper who talks about nothing but money and sex with hoes. You know, that one? Moving on.

Pretentious indie hipsters. Wow, that was redundant. I guess this is what the music I used to love turned into. Somehow, this is the end result of all that great 80s and 90s "college rock." It's like somebody cloned Weezer a million times and made them suck worse every time, til they finally ended up with Scattered Shells on the Shore My Heart Breaks and Eaten by Wolverines and I Banged My Knee on the Corner of the Coffee Table and it Hurt for a While but then it Went Away and Now I Have a Bruise in the Shape of Jesus. Okay, in all fairness IBMKotCotCTaiHfaaWbtiWAaNIHaBitSoJ is actually pretty good. SSotSMHB is decent, kinda like IBMKotCotCTaiHfaaWbtiWAaNIHaBitSoJ, but with a ukelele. But Eaten by Wolverines, man those guys suck. What a bunch of sellouts. But I still heard of them all before you. Possibly because I made them up.

Rock... does this exist anymore? I have no idea. Is maroon5 rock now? I don't know. I don't care. Last I heard "rock" it was all muddy, ugly crap like nickelback and I sort of said a little prayer for it and said my goodbyes. I'm over it now.

Dance/electronic music- I have never understood this. It's just repetitive vocals over a repetitive beat. I've never been so drunk that I would enjoy that. I also don't dance, so I guess I'm not the target audience here. But to me this will always be the musical equivalent of that one stretch outside every town. The one that's four blocks of nothing but cheap liquor stores, payday cash loans, bail bondsmen, meth clinics, and random industries you've never heard of. "Pipe and Hose Fitting International." That's dance music.

Death metal - I really can't come up with a more horrific description than the words "death metal," so we'll just leave it at that. At least this stuff isn't popular, but damn. I never thought I'd miss hair bands.

Kanye West, with his demented auto-tune and giant ego. He's in a category all to himself. Never have I missed Billie Jean-era Michael Jackson so much as when I listen to this guy. (And by "listen" I mean hear 5 seconds of those insane robot bleatings and turn it off screaming.)

I can't think of ONE song by a popular male artist I've heard in the last 5 years I've even remotely liked.* I know there are still some good alternative-style bands out there, but I'm talking big hits. There will never be another REM or Duran Duran or the Police or even Journey. Where the Beatles, Stones and Beach Boys once stood proud, men have been reduced to musical mediocrity. I'm sorry, men. At least you still have country. Until the male Taylor Swift comes along, anyway.

*oh damn, I forgot about Cee lo. I like Fuck You by Cee lo. There you go, one whole song. woo hoo!
To cleanse my palate, I'm going to list 5 popular songs from post-2000 I actually like. For some reason, they're all by female artists. Which is weird because so much of the earlier music from the 60s and 80s that I love, as well as tons of my favorite country songs, are by male artists. What is it about current popular male artists I don't like? I'll try to figure that out, after this!

5. Charmed Life - Leigh Nash

This is a beautiful, happy, jangly pop song. I don't actually know if it was a hit or not, I heard it on some random youtube video, but I downloaded it right away. This is the essence of good pop music to me, so I had to include it. No weird random noises, no guest rapper out of nowhere, no overly produced remixed electronic crap, just a girl with a pretty voice singing a pretty song over a jangly guitar. Crayola skies for a thousand miles, indeed. Listen to this, and then listen to Kesha or Nicki Minaj. Bonus points if you don't kill yourself immediately afterward.

4. Turn Off the Light - Nelly Furtado

This is from the very early 2000s, but what the heck. I love this song. It's fun, it's spunky, it's got a great hook, and it's... normal? Okay that's a lame word, but I seriously can't think of any other way to describe it. She's a normal girl you can relate to, not some weird mutant peacock. Yes, relatable is probably a better word. Someone expressing herself without trying to impress everyone. I don't know what happened to songs like this, but I miss them.

3. King of Anything - Sara Bareilles

An actual more recent song! Where the hell did this come from? This has got to be the most satisfying, uplifting song about an asshole boyfriend ever. Take notes, Taylor Swift. Who died and made you king of anything, huh? Nobody, that's who! The attitude and hook of this song just clicked with me the first time I heard it. It's not too over the top. It's not too angry. It's real. An expression of girly freedom. Yes, dare I say, GIRL POWER. And I love the little "uh oh uh oh" hook. So. Much. I sing this when I'm not even mad at anybody and it's still satisfying. And again, just straightforward music. No weird noises that sound like someone with indigestion dropping their keys on the floor, no rappers coming in and swearing at you, just a girl saying her piece to a fresh melody.

2. Hips Don't Lie - Shakira

A song with a guest rapper that I freaking love! What the gravy? Well, it's Wyclef from the good old Fugees. And he says "refugees run the seas cause we own our own boats," which has NOTHING to do with the rest of the song but is freaking awesome anyway. This song is an example that anything can be done right. An example that sadly, is rarely followed today. I love the whole "we're in a spanish dance club suddenly we're on a boat" vibe of this song. I love the salsa horn intro, I love Shakira's catchy chorus, I love Wyclef's rapping, every part of this song works. It makes me feel like I, too, am on tonight, and believe me, I have never been "on" a night in my life. Unless you count the night I finally mastered the electric slide. that was pure pride. Anyway.

This song is infectious, and not in the I'm-gonna-give-you-an-STD way Kesha songs are infectious. Shakira is sexy without being skanky. She's happy about her sexiness and dammit, you're happy for her. You go girl! I get the feeling this is what most songs today are trying to be. But this song never sounds like it's trying, it just happens, like a late night carnival street party. It's actually sexy. And why? It doesn't smack you in the face with the sex cake. It's all about "the attraction, the tension." No one says "I want to fuck you" and ruins the moment. So take notes, um... everybody? This is how you do it.

1. Video Games - Lana del Rey

I've already written a whole entry about why I like this song, so I won't repeat it. In short, I think this song is beautiful. It makes me feel things. It's intelligent without being hipster pretentious. Seriously, I can't believe this was popular.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Okay, this is hilarious. Today I heard that Cake song by Rihanna for the first time - head buried in sand, remember? And it's going right back there after this message, too. For I have seen the truth, and the truth is that Gangnam Style was actually one of the better hit songs of the year. Do with that what you will.

Anyway. The cake song. One time, when I was quite drunk on good beer at a birthday party, I really wanted some damn cake. And I mean actual cake, not Rihanna's hoo ha. So I started singing what would become immortalized (among me and like, 3 other people) as The Cake Song. The lyrics were, and I quote, *ahem* "Cakecakecakecakecakecakecakecakecakecakecakecakecakecakecake" said as many times in a row until I ran out of breath. It was vaguely amusing because it was delivered with a mix of irony and enthusiasm (hey, I'm talented ok) and as previously stated, we were drunk. At the next gathering that included cake, I delivered a powerful encore. We were drunk. It was funny. And then I retired the Cake Song, so I wouldn't become a sellout.

Well apparently, whoever or whatever the hell writes songs for Rihanna was listening in on that basement in Rhode Island five years ago, because the chorus to Birthday Cake is the exact same goddamn thing. LITERALLY. Minus the irony. Plus some really unsubtle and gross sexual innuendo. It's not even innuendo, that implies some kind of cleverness, a wink of the eye. It's just BAM, splat you in the face with the sex cake. And "lick the icing off?" You might wanna see a doctor if you have icing to lick off, just sayin.'

So, a hit song is no better than random drivel I came up with while drunk in a basement. In fact it's worse. My version was cute, dammit. I guess I'm happy my song was covered by one of the premier artists of our time. *cough* Maybe next time I blow my nose it will be covered by Kesha, cause that's what all her songs sound like anyway. Actually she kind of gives off the general vibe of a used tissue. Y'know, a little dirty, a little rumpled, stuffed down some guy's pants all night. Even her name sounds like a sneeze. ke-SHA! Bless you! Everything about this woman screams germs. She looks like someone who wouldn't even use a tissue, she'd just blow a snot rocket on the sidewalk and laugh. Ok, I'm done with kesha.

Cake, OUT.
I know, I know. To evolve one must adapt. Don't live in the past! But I refuse to adapt to crap. And that's what's been happening over the past decade, people have been slowly adapting to crap to the point that crap = music. And that is definitely not evolution, it's brainwashing. Or maybe people are devolving, who knows. All I know is adapting to this crap would be like adapting to reality tv being actual tv. But it isn't, and I think it'll run its course eventually. I mean, soaps were popular forever and now they're finally on their last legs. In a walker.

And musical taste is always open to subjectivity. I mean, if you like one kesha song or one nicki minaj song or something, and a bunch of other non-crappy stuff, you're not gonna be arrested by the music police. My husband has some songs on itunes I consider to be crap. I asked him why he liked that awful kesha song and he said, *shrug* heh I dunno, I just do. Which is really the most honest answer you can give, when you think about it. What makes us like or dislike something? Usually, we just do.

He has a very eclectic selection and isn't someone to get brainwashed by something because it's popular, so I chalk it up to one of those weird musical "i dunno, i just like it" anomalies. You can't fault someone for actually liking something. Why do I like Southern Voice? I'm not from the south, and I didn't much like the south when I lived there. Well it's a nice sounding song, I like Tim McGraw, and... I dunno, I just do! It kinda makes me go, "maybe I was wrong about you, South. I should give you another chance. Wanna try again?"

What makes me sad is so many people, especially young people, listen to nothing but crap. Especially that godawful cheapass lowest common denominator rap crap. NOBODY should buy something called Stupid Hoe. Unless you're trying to improve your gardening skills. But then you probably want Gardening for Dummies, not Stupid Hoe. In fact, this is the one song I allow no leeway on. If you like stupid hoe, you belong in music jail. forever.

What I'm saying is, these will never be the good old days. This will not be a golden age of music people look back on. This is like disco all over again, but worse and longer-lasting. It's like if disco took viagra and had one of those four hour erections, except it lasted TEN YEARS. And it's not your generically handsome vaguely bret favre looking touch of grey husband in a bathtub with an erection, it's the guy who hangs around the playground wearing nothing but a trenchcoat and a smile. What are his hands doing? OH GOD NO.

Yes, today's music is like viagra for pedophiles. Write it down. There will be a test.

The only way this crap will be remembered nostalgically is if one day in the future (like, next month), music is made exclusively by robots* and androgynous japanese men (same diff). We are currently speeding toward that destination, so steer carefully, people. And remember, don't always listen to your GPS. Your GPS may want to kill you by leading you into a forest filled with bears and 4AM drunk Kesha. And the bears are afraid.

*this may have already happened.

Sometimes, you just need to take control of the damn wheel and say, "I have a brain, I can find my own damn way to Bakersfield!" And that's when we win, and the robots and this
and whatever the hell this
is lose. RECLAIM YOUR CONTROL, PEOPLE! I know you can do it.

Dear god, kesha looks like coked-up ann coulter. I just noticed this. And ann coulter looks like coked-up ann coulter.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Oh, music

I buried my head in the sand for so long, listening to my 60s/70s/80s rock and pop and 90s country. But somewhere in the early 2000s, things started going horribly wrong. Post 9/11, my safe haven of country music turned into the pro-war zone. Pop music, my 80s childhood staple, had already turned to sludge, so I tried out some rock and indie. And there was some good stuff. But it was constantly intermixed with this godawful emo I HAAAAATE MY LIIIIIIIIFE crapola that's about as ROCK as a big glass of chocolate milk. It's not even a pebble, just an annoying gnat in your ear. There was one that listed some totally mundane set of grievances and then whined, "welcome to my liiiiiife," like he was being waterboarded or something. Seriously dude, perspective. And of course all the whiny entitled kids ate that crap right up. "Yes! OMG my perfectly normal, white suburban life sucks so hard! Let me take my mom's Explorer and credit card and go to Hot Topic so I may express my misfortune on a $30 t-shirt. Yay instant gratification! I mean, no, not yay, I'm very sad. My life sucks, and welcome to it. Wait, I'm gonna get a fro-yo before I drive home and cry."

In short, the hot topic-ers took the rock right out of my roll. Pop music had been overtaken by the Britney Spears Slut Squad and was in the process of being hijacked by horrible pop-rap, something which has come to full fruition today. You still have bad pop like Justin Bieber and all those horrible disney channel hacks, but popular music is pretty dominated by rap. And not good rap like Run-DMC. Stuff that is so vile, it's the musical equivalent of that mystery substance on the floor of every beach bathroom ever. Is it sand? Mud? ... Something else? Whatever it is, you're not changing out of your bathing suit in there. Even if you leave sand and a big wet spot on your car seat, you're not taking that sucker off til you're safely home.

And when did we start needing a scorecard to keep track of who sings a damn song? It used to be Song Title by Person's/Band's name. Usually something easy to remember like The Cars. Drive, by the Cars! Awesome, lock up the studio, we're done here. But now it's LIL DOUGIE feat. YO MAMA feat. SKIP BEATZZ feat. TINA TINSELHEAD feat. GRILLAKILLA feat. SKIZZFACE feat. CHICKEN SALAD SANDWICH* feat. DJ FLOOMFLOOM! I'm tired now, I can't listen to the song. I need a nap.

*Wait, that was the producer's lunch order. Damn interns.

So I can't bury my head in the sand anymore. I can't pretend that bad music hasn't taken over or that people don't listen to it. Because the truth is, no matter how hard you try to convince yourself otherwise, the majority of people out there really do listen to Kesha and Nicki Minaj and Call me Maybe. And you can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why. Do they actually think "Stupid Ho" is a good song? Do they just Mount Everest-like it (because it's there?) The answer is, I have no @#$%ing idea. Perhaps people are lazy and consume what's put in front of them, even if it's dog food. Perhaps people have short attention spans and see music as disposable, like everything else. Perhaps people are drunk all the time. Kurt Cobain saw it coming. "Here we are now, entertain us." Then he killed himself. Um, the end?

Well, I hope not. I hope that music has some fight still left in it. I wish I had some uplifting way to end this, but it's pretty goddamn bad right now. There's some good country, there always will be because country demands real singers and instruments and actual songwriting*, but popular music as a whole seems to have come down to the lowest common denominator. And this is not indicative of all entertainment, there're a lot of pretty freakin great movies and tv shows right now. So why just music? What is it that makes the absolute least talent and effort rise to the top? It's like if tv was all reality shows and there was no American Horror Story or Breaking Bad.

*at least, there's only been one song about plastic kitchenware. so far. though an ode to the kfc spork would be a fitting sequel to red solo cup. "white plastic spork, you make me look like a dork, but i don't care, i'm eating chicken in my underwear." Ok, where's my 10 million dollars. SIGN ME UP.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Youtube is like your weird friend who drags you to a gay bar. You're just going along, minding your own business, then suddenly HOW THE HELL DID I END UP HERE?!
PAETYNN????????????????? This is a joke, right? A parody? ... please?

I'm gonna call her Peasoup, cause is it really any more retarded?

This pageant director is so hammy. Or maybe it's just Texas.

Also, men. If you wear your hair spiked/gelled/whatever, especially with blond streaks, you automatically look like a douchebag with a capital douche. I'm not saying you are one, just that you look like one.

This look says, "All my personality is in my hair. And it's the personality of that guy who stood you up at the prom cause he thought he was too good for you but now sells used cars in Barstow and still styles his hair THE EXACT SAME GODDAMN WAY even though he's 48 and sleeps on the couch in his office." You're welcome.

Oh, dear. This pageant featured another what we'll call "option C" girl from my previous post about the strangely honest, possibly alcoholic pageant director. Ham Queen director (bride of Spikehead?) apparently has her drinking more under control (it's my theory all pageant directors are closet alcoholics. just go with it), cause she gave the usual spiel about how C Girl (not Peasoup) was new to pageants, but she's gonna do great! Yeah, right. Take a shot. T&T really needs a drinking game. Perhaps I will make one and thus contribute to society in some small way.

ANYWAY. C Girl gets up on stage in some black and gold dress straight out of a Tijuana gift shop, stumbles around like a lost lamb, exits before she's supposed to, comes back on and stumbles some more, completely befuddles old Spikehead (who recovered, cause he's a pro dammit), and THEN, my favorite part, the halfhearted WOOO her mom croaked out at the end. You have never heard such a tragic woo in your life. It was a woo of all your hopes and dreams crumbling into dust. Then to make it even worse, one of the mean-girl looking judges smirked. Ouch, rough day. I feel bad for the C girls.

PAETYNN. Seriously. It's like nails on a chalkboard, people. Runner-up: PYPER. Sounds like a cheesy 80s metal band. ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?* And like 5 people go YEEEEEAH!!! Give it up for PYPER, performing their hit song, "Charm the Snake in My Pants!" And five guys wearing leather pants run onstage to mild applause/cheers depending on amount of beer consumed by the crowd. You know this happened somewhere in America.

*This show is also being done by Spikehead. He's a pro.
Even I didn't think Mean Christians were this bad.

These people have absolutely, utterly no shame. *shakes head in disgust* And why do I read anything ever?

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Because it's Wednesday, I'm gonna take this opportunity to talk about, um, Friday. Okay just go with me here. I was taking one of my blog breaks when this song came out, so I'm gonna blog about it now.

I've watched this video a few times. It's one of those things that you can't believe it exists, it's just too awesomely crazy and bad to be true. So of course I love it. You can't create things like this, they just... happen. And that's the beauty of it. The part that really puts it over the top is the appearance of the 40-year old rapper who starts bustin his rhyme in the middle of this 13-year old girl singing about school and the days of the week. First off he calls her "RB" to give her some street cred, you know, as if this guy has any to give. And he's just cruisin the streets in his rapmobile and suddenly gets all excited about passing a school bus and I'm just OMG CREEPY, is this really happening? Without that defining WTF moment, it's just a bad video with a cute, otherwise inoffensive teenage girl.

And seriously, do NOT hate on this teenage girl who's just trying to realize her dream, or her parents who are trying to help her realize it. Blame the piece of crap "music" company who took their money and turned it into autotuned garbage. As a hater of all things phony, autotune is right at the top of my hit list. This sh*t literally, literally spawned in Satan's underpants. And I know how lame it is to use the word literally incorrectly, so I am telling you, literally, right out of his... unholy granny panties.

I mean, what's she gonna do, go THIS IS CRAP, I'M NOT DOING THIS and throw a big diva fit? She's like 13 years old, she probably chose this as a birthday present instead of a trip to Disneyland or something. She probably told herself the whole time, "hey it's not that bad, I'll try to make lemonade out of these lemons!" Next time, hopefully she'll choose Disneyland. It never disappoints.

No idea if she can actually sing or not, cause autotune sucks the soul out of everything and turns it glassy-eyed and vacant, like Children of the Corn. It makes anyone sound like a robot. Or the Borg. IT'S FRIDAY. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. FUN FUN FUN FUN. Autotune would make the Beatles roll over in their graves. And two of them are still alive!! Plus it's just a horrible, horrible song. But I blame the vile "production" company 100% cause they should bloody know better.

But c'mon, is it really that much worse than Call me maybe or We are never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever getting back together? (I used to like taylor swift, I still have tim mcgraw in rotation on my itunes but... eggggggh.) I mean, I still have a few old Toby Keith songs on there too, before "I'll stick a boot in yer ass" and waaaaay before "Ode to the plastic recepticle I put my beer in (music is offically out of ideas forever)." Should've been a Cowboy is a great damn song. But things change. :(

Why I don't read anything ever, or shouldn't anyway: I click on some random thing on yahoo and there's a link at the bottom, "Who is Miley Cyrus' girl crush?!11!?"

My answer is, a sincere and wholehearted,


Am I really the same species as people who care about this crap? :( I have to think there's like, some little gene difference somewhere. For the sake of my emotional well-being. I mean, obviously I'm not the target Miley Cyrus audience, but an adult wrote that. Thirteen year old girls do not write news copy, so clearly "Who is Miley Cyrus girl crush?!!11" was penned by someone post-adolescent. Someone who should, like me, not care. I'm sure they got paid a fair sum for this stunning piece of investigative journalism, but seriously, to quote a singer I actually admire, WHO WILL SAVE YOUR SOUL?
Ebay annoyance: when you're searching for American Eagle t-shirts and all these tacky biker shirts with airbrushed American flags and eagles on them come up. I like to pretend people don't actually wear such things, tyvm ebay.

The Edmonton Anomaly

Last night was the first time I saw a fellow wearing overalls order Japanese food. We shall call things like this "The Edmonton Anomaly."

We saw Zero Dark Thirty and I was like wow... apparantly real life is just like the movies, where the plucky young heroine comes in and saves the day! I did not know this! Is that really how it is, out in the real world? I don't know, I watch youtube all day. Or maybe they played that part up cause it's a movie. Whatever, it was pretty good.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

I had a dream last night I was trying to rebuy all the old Christmas records my mom played when I was growing up, like Bing Crosby and stuff. I was in some store that sold like, huge pianos, and they also had these boxes of old records I was going through, and I kept finding all the christmas ones I remembered.

That was a nice dream. I wish that store really existed. Buy Back All Your Childhood Memories!
Okay, today we're gonna talk about something important. That's right, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Now I am gonna take an unpopular line amongst the... non-stupid, and say I LIKE THESE PEOPLE. At least, they're the antithesis of a lot of stuff I hate. They may not be the sharpest tools in the shed but by God, at least they're not vapid. I'll take them over spoiled boring "real" housewives or trust fund children who are famous for nothing besides being rich and famous, any day.

I mean, here's a family that is not especially attractive (mostly from bad eating habits) but they LIKE themselves, and each other, and they have fun. These are not people who go on anti-depressants or talk about all the foods they can't eat. Probably not a nut allergy among them. These people are scarfing peanuts like there's no tomorrow. So for this reason I like them. They are actually real people, and they make me strangely happy for some reason. So there.

Also: why does every young male on youtube have the exact same bloody haircut?? They all look alike! And it's not even an attractive haircut, it's a haircut that says, "I cry alone in my room. A lot."

Girls (and boys), STOP ENABLING THIS!

Maybe that's the idea, they think it'll make girls want to take care of them, like an abandoned puppy.* Well, I'm not having any of it. Man up and get a real haircut. I'm so sick of these weeny haircuts and clothes young guys are wearing now. Grow up! get a job!

/old :(

And girls play into it, which really annoys me. "Oh, he's so cuuuuute! Like barbie! Um... wait. Is something wrong here? *cricket chirp* Nope! He's so prettyyyy!" Guys are either puppy-dog wimpy with their assymetrical haircuts and skinny jeans, or they're all TOUGH and GANGSTA with buzzed hair and those shirts that look like tattoos, with skulls and fire and whatnot all over them. Like geez, aren't there just guys anymore? Where is the sweet sweet valley of sanity?

*some of them are probably gay. But not all of them. Not that being gay is any excuse for having a stupid haircut.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Last week's T&T had a moment of rather refreshing honesty. It was mean, but by god at least it wasn't the usual pussyfooted sugarcoated crap. When they ask the pagaent director about the girls who will be on the show that week, there's usually at least one you can tell they're choosing their words for carefully. They'll be like, "Madison, OMG, she's such an amazing competitor, she's a little diva, she always brings her A-game, blah blah blah." They don't say that crap unless they mean it. Then it'll be like, "Makinzie is new to the scene, I look forward to seeing her, we'll see how she does!" That might get a little ugly, but hey, could go either way. And then there's usually a, "Then we have Megynn, whose parents obviously can't spell worked really hard to get her here, and we know she'll try her best!" Translation: Dear god, get this giraffe off the stage.

But this time she just said it outright. "I don't think she'll do very good. I wouldn't put my money on her!" OH SNAP DID I JUST SAY THAT. OK, I do feel bad for the little girl (even though she ate worms, and sadly that is not a euphemism for she sucked - we're talking actual crawly things), but as a hater of all things phony I had to smile a little. I was like, DID I JUST HEAR THAT? I'm gonna guess alcohol might have played some small part. She kinda looked like a closet boozer.

I also do not get the part where the judges are talking. They'll be discussing all the contestants and then suddenly at the end they all get looks on their faces like WHO FARTED. And unless someone actually farts every single time, there is absolutely no reason for this! Nobody said anything weird, it's like random DRAMA! inserted for no reason cause there's clearly not enough drama generated among the batcrap crazy moms. Oh wait. So yeah... I'm lost on this one.

This pagaent also featured the second ever made up name in a pagaent I've ever liked. The first one was Taralyn. That's just pretty, I would totally name my daughter that. This week we had Cariah. I don't know why, but I think that's really pretty and cute. So there you have it. But the Madisons and Makenzies are still retarded, mostly because there're LEGIONS of them coming to steal your soul with their huge glassy pagaent eyes. And you know like every one of those moms was thinking, "I named my daughter Madison. I've achieved something." When will the madness end? It's like when everyone was named Jennifer, I guess.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Seen today at what I will generously call our local "mall:"* Cluster of three rednecks, one juvenile, gazing through a window at a humorous sign saying FART ZONE and having a good chuckle. I think that's what rednecks call "quality family time." At least Canada's rednecks seem somewhat benign. They don't look at you like they can't decide whether to spit tobacco juice at you or shoot you.

*this is a mall like, a month before it goes on to its Final Clearance in the Sky - Mallhalla? - and winds up on

Yes, I said mallhalla. I LOVE MYSELF.

Also, if you're like me and watch tv shows online because you're playing clan lord totally out climbing mountains and flying rocketships! while they're on tv, you've probably been subjected to the final death blow to music. The coup de grace. Worse than Call me maybe, dare I say, even worse than Friday. And this video pops up and assaults you COMPLETELY AGAINST YOUR WILL whenever you go to watch a show. I am of course referring to WE ARE THE PARTY PARTY, which is pretty much the entire lyric of the song repeated over and over. There really is no way to get across how bad this is. But I'll try. This is worse than the entire Beatles catalog being replaced by that guy on youtube who goes I'M A BANANA I'M A BANANA. That is how dire this situation is.
Other phrases I hate besides "follow me on twitter" include

"people's choice awards" = nothing I would choose ever

"cray cray" - just don't. stop, please

"chillax" - I don't know if people still say this, cause I don't hang around the kind of people who would say this, but just stop. You're impressing no one.

"cynergy" or any kind of made up corporate buzzword. One word: doucheface

"- free" I'm __ - free! (referring to food or whatever) Yes we get it, you're a special snowflake. Now shut up.

and the old classic "no offense, but..." Cause how better to say "I'm about to be a complete douche, but I'm pre-exonerating myself from it. So any offense taken is on YOU!" smooth.

I also dislike "google is your friend" as a response when you ask an actual human being a question. This essentially states, "I am not your friend. Ask a computer."

"hook up" and "friends with benefits" and "sexting" and "it's complicated" - this kind of trashy mindset is what's ruining our moral culture, NOT gay people or birth control or even abortion. Seriously. IT ALL STARTS WITH TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF. This crap is running rampant among young people and yet NO, somehow gay people getting married is wrong! You really need to sort out your priorities.

oops that got all serious. well if you have a visceral response to a stupid phrase, there's probably a good reason. :P

EDIT: I thought of more!

"jeggings" and "meggings." Also "skinny jeans." And *shudder* "metrosexual". Every time I hear that I want to wake up in 1962.

The only person I want to follow on twitter doesn't have one.

I feel so USED. *sniffle*
I just signed up for twitter. I have no idea why.

^^^that pretty much sums up the universe right now.

Ok, I signed up in yet another effort to be more connected with "the world," the kind of effort that usually ends in disappointment and ice cream. But y'know, I keep trying. I'm plucky that way. So I peruse the list of twitter...ers? and I'm like, dayum, there is really no one I want to hear from that much. Not even people I like. So I'll probably never use it.

Also, I cut bangs. Every few years or so I cut bangs, then spend the next year growing them out. I don't know why I do this. Well, I hate looking at my forehead. It just stares at me like this giant wall. Also, I like how I look better with bangs, but they're a pain to take care of and I'm lazy, which is probably why I end up growing them out. But then I miss them! It's the circle of life.

I'm basically relegated to two hairstyles - long straight with bangs, or long straight without bangs. This is because I cut my own hair, and I am not, how you say, skilled at cutting hair. So yeah. I don't go to a hairstylist because it is basically my worst nightmare. "Sit down in this chair and be forced to make random small talk with a stranger for an hour!" AAAAAAAAAAAH *jumps out window to sweet sweet freedom*

I think Holden Caulfield had the right idea with the whole "pretend you're a mute" thing. That would make life so much easier. I could do so many more things if I wasn't faced with the horror of random, useless conversations! Obviously people I'm close to would know I'm not mute, just the whole rest of the world, the kind of people who come up to you and go IS IT HOT ENOUGH FOR YA? Uh sorry, I CAN'T SPEAK. OTHERWISE I WOULD BE DELIGHTED TO PARTAKE OF YOUR WITTY REPARTEE. It's like a get out of jail free card.

Also, "follow me on twitter" is pretty much my most hated expression ever. It's so narcissistic. So don't follow me on twitter. Ever. Seriously, I will cut you.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

I had an awesome dream last night. Someone was shooting this parody of reality shows, and there was this quiet guy from Nebraska or wherever and they turned him into Generic Reality Show Doucheface Guy. Next thing you see he's in a hot tub all HOI MY NAME IS KELLY FROM AUSTRALIA* really loud with his shirt off and pulsating pecs everywhere. And it was so hilarious cause it was somehow every douchebag dave in a reality show ever. Then I was suddenly in a mall eating a Subway... idkok. But it was a stunningly lucid dream before that!

*not that australians are douchebags or anything. i dunno why australia. probably cause it's more interesting than nebraska. and a lot of them seem very tan.

I have also pinpointed the exact day MTV went to hell. Some people would say, the first time they did a non music video show. But early MTV shows were pop culture awesome. Remote Control, Half Hour Comedy Hour, Beavis and Butthead. To anyone who says beavis and butthead was stupid, yes it was stupid, but it was a satire of stupid. Now it's just straight stupid without any wink of the eye. They should bring back B&B and have them watch MTV now. Butthead would be all "uhh... where's the videos?" Then Beavis would see Snooki and start having a seizure. DO IT, MTV.

So anyway. The day MTV died was not even the airing of the first Real World. Because the first several Real World seasons were actually kind of interesting and seemingly real-ish. Maybe not real, but a reasonable fascimile. Like, they would actually put the guy from Nebraska on the show as is.

BUT THEN. Some creative genius decided that putting people from different walks of life in a house together to see what would happen wasn't interesting enough, and they turned it into 24 HOUR PARTY HOUSE with nothing but vapid, scantily clad alcoholics-in-training. These people had nothing remotely interesting to say. There was no Puck to stir the water, no nice girl next door type you could relate to, nothing that had made the previous shows work. All they did the entire time was drink, have pointless drunken arguments, and "hook up." WOW, LET ME DVR THAT IMMEDIATELY. And everyone has to be loud and in your face and WOOOOOO, as if that makes someone interesting. I'm referring, of course, to Real World Las Vegas. This was the harbinger of doom, of teen mom shore and jersey sluts and all the retarded bs they show now.

And that was the day MTV died. You're welcome.

Wednesday, January 09, 2013

We were out to dinner last night and I saw a woman at a table who looked EXACTLY like a Cheer Mom. Er, Perfection Bitch. Er... Toddlers and Cheer? WHATEVER. Let's go with "angry fat women who live through their children." That pretty much covers it across the board. Now she didn't look like any one of the moms in particular, she just had that whole general vibe going on. Fat, makeuped, hair "done," or "did" as they probably say. A kicky accessory of some sort to try to draw attention away from the double chin. y'know.

And I love the whole PERFECTION thing, as if perfection is something that can ever be attained. You might as well tell your kid, "BE A UNICORN." How about, always be your best, try your hardest, something they can actually chew on? Cause what do you do with perfect, exactly? It's an automatic fail. Nice one, mom.

But I watch it, so I'm part of the problem. It's just so... spectacular. I can't help myself!

My hubby also told me a story about how some delivery guy crossing a street lost control of a bunch of boxes and they slid out and landed on this guy's ferrari. And I'm sure most people would be like omg... poor ferrari owner! But I'm thinking, I'm glad it was a ferrari and not like, some beat up old truck that some guy depends on to get to work every day. You know he calls it Old Bessie or something. The ferrari owner will be ok. There are no ferraris called Old Bessie, is the point of my story here.

Wednesday, January 02, 2013

Today I did something I'm not proud of. I dropped someone from facebook simply on the basis of politics. I know, I know. This is exactly why i posted about politics being evil, about how they shape our thoughts about people.

Right or wrong, this is why I did it. My facebook is my personal place. Because I have no desire for any kind of debate or argument in my personal space, I'm basically being held hostage from ever posting anything political on there that everyone else might enjoy by this one person. Sure, I could just ignore it but... what exactly is the point of having someone as a "friend" you just want to ignore? Also, this person isn't a little conservative, he is VERY VERY conservative. He seems like a nice person otherwise (this was also someone I only know slightly through the internet, so no real life repercussions), but there's that big white elephant in the room. Literally.

So yeah, I have a few moral issues with removing someone I don't even know from facebook for political reasons, which either makes me a freakin moral saint or completely ridiculous, but in the end I just wanted my space back. So, politics won I guess. boo. I might never even post anything political there, but at least now I can without the accompanying queasy feeling of rush limbaugh watching me.
I love that that was my first post of 2013. We are off to a rollicking start!

sometimes i feel republican

Sometimes I feel republican. Living in Canada, everything is presented to me in bloody celsius and meters and grams and other euro commie gay sh*t -- AGGGGH WAIT! NOOOOO! YOU'RE BETTER THAN THIS! Stop right there and back this bus up.

Okay. The other stuff aside, I must admit I'm math-intolerant, and being faced with these odd measures of things makes me well up in a rush limbaugh-esque rage against... whatever it is. Cause it's foreign, and it confuses me, consarnit! So, I'm sorry. I apologize for any momentary fits of intolerance over things I don't understand. I realize they are not, in fact, communist or homosexual, not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm just American and I can't do math and I'm frustrated! This must be how Sarah palin feels ALL THE TIME.