Just for fun...

I grew up in a small town nestled between a giant airport, a sewage treatment plant and the Pacific Ocean. El Segundo you'll always be, home sweet home to meeeeee. However, when I was 8 or so my parents divorced, thus ending my simple life where the sewer meets the sea and embarking on a series of moves that would give most people whiplash.

El Segundo, CA
Simi Valley, CA
Claremore, OK
Spokane, WA
BACK TO Claremore, OK
Boulder, CO
Redondo Beach, CA
Hemet, CA
Reseda/Northridge, CA
Valdese, NC (yes random move to the south - WHIPLASH!)
Somerville, MA
Palm Bay/Melbourne, FL
Morgantown, WV
Mount Morris, PA
Pawtucket/Providence/Woonsocket, RI
New London, CT
Wheat Ridge, CO
Tarzana, CA
COMING SOON: Edmonton, Alberta, CANADA!

The further back you go, the more cool stuff I remember. I'm glad I got to see all these different areas before the great assimilation.

And actually, downtown El Segundo hasn't changed that much. A lot of development sprung up around the town, but "Mayberry" was left pretty much intact. A few of the same businesses, most different, but the same small town charm. My beloved library park hadn't changed a bit, I think even the roses were the same ones from 1982. I was sad to see the old drugstore and Hallmark store on main street gone, that drugstore was like a staple of my childhood. Also, the old windmill-shaped market on Center Street (which I knew was long gone) seemed to currently house some kind of... post-modern baby store. No, I don't know what that means either. 0_o

My favorite restaurant, La Paz, had moved from Main Street (into the weird baby store lot, ironically) but it had the same ownership and the menu hadn't changed much if at all. I think even the red plastic booths were the same. Seriously, I don't think they've even made those since 1975. I ordered the beef and cheese burrito I always got as a kid and WOW, it tasted exactly as good as I remembered. Like the memory was imprinted on my taste buds and it did not disappoint. I can't wait to go back one more time and pay my respects before taking off to the great white north, eh.





Yep this is where I'm from, Mayberry by the Sea. This probably explains a lot about my hatred of encroaching wal-marts - the tentacles are upon us, ruuuuun! (El Segundo still doesn't have a wal-mart btw. A small moral victory.)

People are always ruining everything.

No not really a negative post, no worries. Holden just popped into my head at this moment. I'm reading the abandoned places community where people post all these cool photos and someone always has to come along and say "THAT'S NOT COOL YOU SUCK" or whatever. Seriously, why do people always have to be douchepuppets? Is it like, ingrained in our DNA or something? Didn't you listen when your mama told you, "If you don't have anything nice to say, shut yer damn hole?"

For the record, I think you're all cool. POSITIVE VIBES AND FAIRY DUST ON THE WORLD!!

So in light of my last couple posts, I'm stopping right here and backing this blog up. From now on I'm focusing on the AWESOME in life. (Well, except T&T, cause it's AWESOMELY AWFUL.) While working on my "search for sanity" post, I was watching all these awesome videos. And it hit me like a rather obvious ton of bricks. This stuff isn't just escapism... this is the sweet sweet valley of sanity. Taking what you love and DOING something with it, instead of doing what THE MAN says you should do. Tee hee... THE MAN. I apparently now live in the 60s and smoke lots of weed.

Anyway. This guy, Adam the Woo, is my favorite. If anyone reads this thing ever, check out his site! Warning: may cause sleep deprivation. http://adamthewoo.tumblr.com/ One of my favorite things about this guy is he never seems to have a flashlight. That would so be me. "OOH DARK CREEPY PLACE! *RUN RUN FLAIL* CAN'T WAIT... oh. In my excitement I seem to have forgotten my flashlight, can I borrow yours?"

What this guy was doing last week while I was watching T&T:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzpAQxt6h3c&feature=youtu.be

Yeah, I suck. But I suck slightly less for having watched this. I'm gonna donate to him and suggest a few cool spots if he ever comes out west. You know, I used to think I was so weird for liking stuff like this. Yay internet for making me feel less weird! Side note: why does it seem like people on the internet and people in real life are like, totally different people? When I express an interest in something "off the beaten track" to someone I meet in person, I get the 0_o face. But online, there are hundreds of people going "yeah me too that's awesome!" I guess it's just easier to find like-minded people online. Man, I wish "real life" could be more like that. Not that the internet isn't "real life," it's not like you're transported to the Magical Land of Oz while you're online... lol.

These guys are cool too! They're like the kings of awesome crumbly structures. http://stuffthatsgone.com/

Obviously I wanna explore stuff myself, not just watch other people doing it. I have done this every chance I've gotten though sadly, I don't own a camera so it's just for my own enjoyment. I think what really renewed my interest was last year, when I lived in Colorado and went to Lakeside Amusement Park (an awesomely old and NOT abandoned place), and saw the long-abandoned Lakeside Speedway sitting next to it. Even from the outside, this thing is INSANELY awesome and creepy. I wanted in so bad, but all I could do was peer through some cracks in the wall. I always meant to go back by myself and see if I could find a way in. But even just walking the exterior is cool. I got a FEELING when I was close to it, not exactly a "this place is haunted" feeling but a "something strange happened here" feeling. When I got home I immediately looked it up online and there it was... it closed in 1988 after a spectator was killed. I didn't see any reports of it being haunted, but if you're receptive to certain feelings like I am, there is a major cool creepy vibe there.



I did not take this rad photo.

After staring through those cracks like a kid at a candy store window, I was reluctantly pulled away and back to the "real world." There was nothing more to see. But for me there was. I could have stood there a lot longer, just soaking it in. It was then I realized I have an odd kind of sensitivity that most people don't have, or have to a much lesser extent. I'm not sure how to explain it. I'm not psychic, I don't see ghosts, but I feel "attuned" to things, both visible and not, well beyond the point that other people would say "I'm boooooooored." I think I'd be good at exploring because I have no fear (within reason, I wouldn't do anything stupid). I have no fear because I love being creeped out.

I will leave you with this because it is literally my favorite thing ever. Creepy burnt ruins AND my sense of humor! Oh this guy also shares my love for weird roadside attractions, Disney parks, and old B horror movies. I wonder if he's a MSTie too. And he eschews the consumer grind by living in his van and going on adventures. Swell! I think he's my brother from another mother. or something that sounds less stupid.



I just typed "nipples flying everywhere!" to my fiance. (He works in a warehouse. There are metal doohickeys called nipples. I don't ask too many questions.)

There are two kinds of people in this world.



Those who see something like this and run away screaming, and those who see it and run towards it... screaming. I am the latter. "This" is an image from an abandoned theme park called Dogpatch USA in Arkansas that I actually went to as a child. No it isn't a dead body, just a dead hillbilly dummy (photo from undergroundozarks.com, which is a cool site).

I've always had a love for the past. Not history like wars and who was king of Austria in 1702 or whatever crap you're forced to memorize in school, but modern history. Personal history. Towns, buildings, people, stories. For example, what happened in Centralia, PA. Sad, creepy, and endlessly fascinating.

Again... two kinds of people.



OOH CRACKED HIGHWAY WITH SATAN COMING OUT OF IT... MUST GET CLOSER!

I've also always had a love for odd and unique things. One of my favorite places growing up, as much as I remember because I was so young, was the Old Towne Mall in Torrance, CA. This was not an ordinary mall, more like a small town carnival. It had this fairy tale kind of dark ride in it that I can barely remember the details of, yet the atmosphere is one of the most lingering memories of my childhood. It was magical, in all its low-budget glory. It's also long, long gone. I've searched the internet for years for any images of this ride, but none seem to exist. A lot of people who have similar memories of it to this day, and some great photos of the mall itself, but not that one thing from my childhood I want back. It's sort of become my Holy Grail. In my perfect world, this mall and this ride would still be there. Instead, it is a strip mall. In my dreams, the fairy tale ride and its inhabitants still sit, untouched for 25 years, behind the wall of the Best Buy or whatever it is now, waiting to be discovered.



I still remember exactly what this place smelled like - caramel corn, cotton candy, and FUN!

I've also always had a love for abandoned things. As a child I remember being drawn to old ruins, caves, empty houses (I even have a picture of me on a camping trip in Utah or someplace when I was about 6, building my own "ruin" out of rocks for me and my dolls to live in. :D) Old bridges, aqueducts, lighthouses, railroad tracks and trestles, any kind of random structure, crumbling or just old and interesting captures my imagination. And the internet is full of seriously cool people who feel the same way and make cool stuff out of it!

~ continued next post

Soooooo

I was writing up a post entitled "the sweet sweet valley of sanity," about how things seem to be going to these ridiculous mountains of extremes and my search for, well, the sweet sweet valley of sanity. It occurred to me that I mostly write about stuff I don't like on here, and my only really "fun" posts are my T&T posts, which I also don't like but at least I can snark the crap out of. It's weird because I'm really not a negative person, more of a walking MST, taking life's absurdities with a sort of non-aggressive mocking stance.

The reasons for this negativity are my SA obviously, and how this place serves as a refuge when I'm feeling particularly wretched. Maybe not so fun to read, but therapeutic. But beyond that there is what I see as the growing negativity in the world, which was exacerbated by my ill-fated interest in politics. We have a generation coming up that relates to the world through text messages and tweets and I wonder, do they feel the world? Do they ever think about where they came from, what's around them? I see humans becoming more desensitized and less connected every day. The world is always changing, and there have been some fantastic advances in the last 30 years, socially and technologically, that I wouldn't change for anything. But there are also really noticeable and disturbing changes that have taken place since I was a child that I don't think are beneficial or even natural.

Chiefly ~ the strip mallification of America. We've always had chain stores and there's nothing wrong with them, but it wasn't always like this. Everywhere you go in this country it's exactly the same, the same handful of stores that have driven out the unique regional culture. I mean, the only way you can even tell where you are anymore is what kind of trees are growing there.* Sometimes I come upon one of these monstrosities and I feel claustrophobic, I actually can't breathe. These big companies are strangling the life out of this country, and nobody seems to care. I mean when I was a kid we shopped at the "big" stores sometimes, but we also shopped at other places for variety. I guess somewhere along the line, people stopped doing that. They said fuck it, I wanna get tires and chewing gum and lawn furniture at the same damn place, every single day, no surprises, no soul, no problem. In and out and back home to watch tv and go to bed for another day of supporting the endless grind. Do they ever wonder what else is out there? Do they ever remember how things used to be, what still lies beneath the plastic surface?

*on the bright side, at least there are still trees.

The thing is, I think most people forget their childhood. They disregard it as something to "move on from." And with each generation, even children have less and less true childhood wonder (the kind that isn't manufactured in Japan). I think adults should celebrate their childhoods without shame, not in a way that's dwelling on the past but keeping alive what's important and interesting NOW, and preserving it for the future. This is what we are losing, our sense of preservation. Somewhere along the line, everything started becoming disposable. This is not progress, this is waste.

So, I will write my sweet sweet valley of sanity post another time, and end with this before my next post of STUFF THAT MAKES ME HAPPY DAMMIT. The reason I'm becoming so enamored with abandoned places (and other people who appreciate them) is not only because it's fun and creepy and damn interesting to explore the past but because it makes me feel less alone in my sensibilities. Other people are drawn to something besides what's presented to them as a consumer, other people CARE. And mostly, to preserve these things in some way before they're swept away forever to become something soulless and counter-intuitive to humanity like an office park.

Sure, looking at cool things in a state of decay can be sad, but at least it's an interesting kind of sad. It makes you think. It makes you feel. And somehow, they seem more alive and less decayed than the Everytown Big Store Consumer Depots of Hell. The old remnants are somehow alive, their souls remain. They speak to me. I also find them beautiful and sometimes, oddly, positive. It's less about what's gone than what's still there, the ruins and the memories.

Maybe it's sad that exploring the past has become more appealing in some ways than the present, but one astute Youtube commenter said it best in a video entitled "Last Day at Kiddieland" (which is pretty much also the title of my life), about the closing of a beloved children's amusement park. From the description: "Started in 1929, the suburban Chicago Kiddieland survived the Great Depression, a World War and countless other challenges only to fall to a family dispute. One small branch of the family wanted to sell the land. The other, larger branch wanted to keep the park alive. Money won. Doesn't it always? Another big box retailer, a Wal-Mart or a Costco or something similar will replace Kiddieland..."

Commenter: you know....what made america, america is slowly dissapearing

Yeah... that's pretty much my whole post in one amazing sentence. Did that leave anyone else feeling gut-punched and winded like it did me? This is actually HAPPENING, and it's happening less and less slowly as we become more and more fast-paced and disposable and me me me and now now now and more more more. I mean, my favorite song "Big Yellow Taxi" was written in 1970. Before I was born. The warning signs were there even 40 years ago, but instead of paying attention we've just let more and more iconic things die. And for WHAT? For NOTHING! For profit, which means absolutely nothing in a world with nothing left to spend it on but... more profit. "If I die with the most crap, I win the world's biggest and most pointless game of Monopoly!"

These things that make up the fabric of our country are not things you trade in like a car or a computer. They don't need an upgrade, they're fine the way they are. And when they're gone, they're gone forever. And so is an important piece of who we are.

What makes humans, human is slowly disappearing.

~~Bob's a Beauty Queen~~

So what have I been watching? Well the title of this post should give you a clue... or a seizure... or both. I got on a huge kick of watching "people explore abandoned places!" videos on youtube (at least until I got sucked into dumb game show answers), because that shit is creepy and I love it and wish I could do it. I still have more of those I want to watch, but I found myself feeling the T&T "itch." (Eww. That sounds even worse than it sounded in my head. And in my head it sounded like a yeast infection.)

Anyway! Bob's a beauty queen. Yes. I'm not sure any more detail is required, but let me just say this. To the parents who say "I had kids JUST to put them in pageants," a question: Now obviously your sense of... well, everything is a bit askew, but what makes you think it's ok to admit that? Not only where your children will hear it, which is evil enough, but on national tv? Do you think this is going to impress people or something? "Wow, her dedication is inspiring, she went through 20 hours of labor just for pageants! Way to chase your dreams, you go girl!"

I wonder if her husband is referred to as "pageant sperm donor." I'm sure they all feel just wonderful about themselves. "When I had my son, I was so disappointed, til I found out boys could do pageants too!" Hence... Bob's a Beauty Queen. So, yeah. "Bob" looks like an adorable leprechaun, but who the hell calls their toddler Bob? Bob is permanently middle aged and doing your taxes. Well it's better than Maverick or Parker or Braxton or Haiden or Mykale or Kyvynn or Ye Olde Englishe Bobbe, so I guess I can't complain. It's just weird!

The 5 year old daughter this woman finally spawned for pageants: "When I lose, my heart is very small and black." And the title of World's Youngest Emo goes to... wow, just wow. I think "small and black" is a good way to describe what the atmosphere must be like in that house, as well as mom's heart, possibly dad's testicles, and my soul after watching this many episodes of T&T. (Actually, Dad seems rather chipper for a sperm donor.)

UGH! "Bob" is a cutie but he has one of those terrible, nasty, long skinny hair tails! Can someone explain the existence of these to me please? They look like rat tails! They serve no purpose except to say, "hi, my parents are crackers!" and ensure he winds up on People of Wal-Mart some day. They're not even as cool as mullets. Sheesh.

Mom: "My husband and I watch a lot of drag shows." Ahh... that explains the chipperness. However, this is the second episode I've seen lately where the kids are around drag queens, and it's pretty freaking awesome to see what teaching tolerance at a young age does. They haven't been taught that gay is "wrong" so... it isn't. How simple it could be to end almost all discrimination this way. Kids are awesome, like little vessels of acceptance. Parents, please don't fill that vessel with haterade. Thank you.

Or in the wise words of Bob, "Don't worry, I'm a jingling elf!" Exactly, Bob. Those are words we can all live by. And him hugging his sister and saying "Riley won!" at the end was so genuine and cute. I take it back, this is a nice family that actually likes each other. Mom's not evil, just tacky. The tail's in the tale... er, the tale's in the tail. something.

Speaking of youtube, I am extremely tired. I shall call this the Youtube Black Hole Syndrome. You go on to watch particular things, you have a plan! ... then somehow halfway through you get sucked into something else, then something else and else and else til you completely forget where you were, what you were doing, and suddenly it's 3AM and you're watching something ridiculous like "worst Jeopardy answers EVAR" and you CAN'T STOP.

So, this is why I'm tired.

Some awesomeness I randomly discovered on youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_ZJJ2T-Zvg&feature=relmfu

This puts into words exactly what I've wanted to say. This shit is why I can't follow politics anymore.

ANGRY MOB: Show us your birth certificate!
OBAMA: *ignores idiots, does presidenty stuff*
PEOPLE WITH BRAINS: Why does he have to show a birth certificate? because he's black? because his name sounds foreign? kinda doubt there'd be an issue if he had, say, an Italian name...
ANGRY MOB: But Obama rhymes with OSAMA, so he must be foreign and Muslim and a terrorist and possibly Hitler!
HISTORIANS AND GEOGRAPHERS: *scratches head*
LOGIC: So a mouse is a house? A cat is a bat? Should I knock on my floor, and feed cheese to my hat?
DR. SUESS: *gets book idea*
ANGRY MOB: rabble rabble rabble socialism taxes we hate gays!
LOGIC: er, what?
ANGRY MOB: *waves flag angrily*
FLAG: *cringes* this wasn't my idea everyone, really... can't we all just get alo... OW!
ANGRY MOB: Obama's making SOCIALIST FLAGS! I have PROOF!
LOGIC *explodes*
FLAG: why couldn't I have been hung in a nice cosy prison like my cousin Larry? Man, he gets all the cushy gigs, while I'm stuck out here with these goons... I need a smoke.
OBAMA: Shiny birth certificate, right here! Sit n spin, mothafuckers! (ok, that's what I wish he'd said...)
ANGRY MOB: It's a FAKE!
PEOPLE WITH BRAINS: So if he produces a birth certificate, it's proof it's a fake and he's a Muslim terrorist, and if he doesn't produce one, it's proof it doesn't exist and he's a Muslim terrorist. Am I getting this straight here? It's almost like you're setting him up to fail no matter what... but that would be unpatriotic, wouldn't it?
ANGRY MOB: *FLAG FLAG FLAG!*
ANGRY SWEATY GUY WEARING BEER-STAINED FLAG SHIRT: You're unpatriotic, smartass, stop disrespecting the flag!
FLAG: Hey maybe I don't have it that bad, I could have gotten that gig... *shudders*
OBAMA: Off to kill bin Laden now, kthxbai
FOX NEWS: George Bush killed bin Laden with his awesome foreign policies!
OBAMA: *ovalofficeheaddesk* (and that is one big solid sucker of a desk, OW :/)
LOGIC: Screw this shit, I'm going to the pub.

Soooo yeah, stupid people are allergic to logic. They REPEL it, because if it was allowed to come in contact with their skin they would break out in hives. This is SCIENCE, people.

And religion isn't really the same thing. Except when it comes to the denial of evolution, there are no FACTS at stake in religion, because the existence or non-existence of God will never be a fact. It's all about faith and you know, whatever floats your boat. Instead, I think some of these people are taking the faith concept from religion and applying it to their other deeply held beliefs, even ones that can be disputed by facts. Your logic only makes my ignorance stronger, sucka! Remember what happened to a gremlin when you got it wet or fed it after midnight? Yeah, kinda like that.



LOGIC: *mumbles* can I have *hic!* 'nother round pleashe... *falls off barstool*
BARTENDER: Sorry, we're closing. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.
LOGIC: what is home, do I have a home anymore...? *passes out in a sad philosophical stupor*

This is your wake up call, America! You're turning logic into a homeless sad drunk. SAVE LOGIC NOW, before it asks you for spare change for the bus!

~~~ THE MORE YOU KNOW ~~~

This dude also brings to light the Mean Christian idea. I really, really like this dude. "Gentle, loving Christians" indeed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAaNg2nvHzs&feature=relmfu

This is not a knock on Christians who truly spread God's love and are positive influences on the world. It's asking why so many seem to be straying from that and becoming hateful, foaming at the mouth rabid wolverines. I think, or maybe hope, the majority of Christians still preach the prevailing message of Christ, which to me is "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" and "start loving your fellow man the fuck already, GOD.* I mean, DAD."

*No, I don't know why Jesus sounded like Napoleon Dynamite in my head just then. HE JUST DID OK

But I see too many people in these hate churches, especially young people, to dismiss them as fringe. This is what Christianity is to some people, being God's bully. God's goon. This is not right, and they can't hide behind the excuse of religion, especially when some of their beliefs so closely resemble the fundamentalist Muslims they rail against (without bothering to make the distinction that not all Muslims are fundamentalist.) It's hate, pure and simple, and that will never be a religion no matter what poor deity you slap onto it.



And this one's for you, Congresswoman Bachmann. Happy trails. Now you can devote all your time to praying that your husband keeps not being gay, or whatever. Cause no one could use that prayer power for you know, food or water or shelter or peace or a cure for their brain tumor or anything. Not when there's all that GAY running around!



And on a tangential note...



True, so true. So next time, please don't hire incompetent blowhard jackwagons in the first place. Hindsight may be 20/20, but foresight isn't blind people!

"For me, my ultimate goal is to try out for a lingerie football league." - Weird Priority Woman (AKA Pageant Mom)

Oh Toddlers and Tiaras, how I've missed you.

And I think I have a new blog title. Oh yes, I think I do.

Her ULTIMATE goal. I'm just gonna let y'all mull over the various things that could have been her ultimate goal for a while, and come back in a couple days.

Also: O HAI 2012.

So a crumpet appears to be a piece of bread that exists so you have something to put your blackberry jam on. Cause eating it straight from the jar is undignified. Even if you keep your pinky out. omnomnom.

First Very Important Knowledge of 2012: When you search for "Old Navy" on ebay, you sometimes get things that are old, and from the Navy.



I am questioning the whimsical goatee on this sailor. Not in a "don't ask don't tell" sort of way, but in a "excuse me Pierre, you seemed to have escaped from an old cartoon featuring stereotypical Frenchman and mistaken that hat for a beret" sort of way. Not that you don't look adorable, but...



yes. This is what I'm saying. I wonder how many Frenchman ACTUALLY WORE a striped shirt and beret and kicky red scarf while pedaling down the streets of Paris for it to become a stereotype. I mean, you wouldn't think it would be THAT many. Maybe it was the uniform for some kind of Giant Bread Bicycle Delivery Service?



So in 100 years, this will be the Stereotypical American. Don't say I didn't warn you.

EDIT: I was close! Apparently it was traditional wear for Onion Bicycle Deliverers who pedaled over to England to... deliver onions. On a bicycle. Seriously. Except for the fact that I loathe onions, that's actually rather charming. It still doesn't explain the Giant Bread, though. I mean, bread and onions? Eww! No wonder they needed the wine, though I'm not sure that's the best idea when you're travelling to another country by bicycle. Those were probably the idyllic days when there was hardly any traffic and you could ride your bike naked down the center of the road chugging wine and singing Alouette at the top of your lungs and not encounter anyone but an annoyed squirrel.* Stupid traffic, ruining all the fun charming things in life! Like public nudity, or riding through the English countryside chugging wine on a warm summer's day. Or you know... having space. To breathe. Ever.

*Annoyed squirrels in France also wear berets. They don't ride bicycles, though. That would be ridiculous.

I am somewhat envious of people who wear hats. Now I realize anyone can wear a hat, but that does not automatically make you a Person Who Wears Hats. A person who wears hats looks like the hat just naturally occurred on their head, like a rainbow or a stalagmite. Whereas a non-hat person looks like, "I just put a thing on my head. I'm not sure why. It's not remotely connected to the rest of my body, and it sort of itches. How long must I keep it on to have officially Worn a Hat?" And it always looks like it's either too big, too small, about to come off, or some odd combination of all three. It is eventually removed and replaced by an expression of "Hat? What hat? I wasn't wearing a hat, la la la..." while it sits awkwardly to the side, wondering why it couldn't have found a proper hat person to wear it to a tea party.

Hat people always look knowing and breezy and very much off to a tea party. NO, hat people always look like they're hosting a tea party. Wherever they go. The DMV, whatever. And I mean the sort of tea party you drink tea at, not the sort you bring your rifle and delightful Obama-as-a-monkey poster to. Cause he's BLACK HAHA GET IT? Oh wait... WHAT century is this?

But I digress. However, I think the ye-olde-englishe-pinky-sticking-out-care-for-another-crumpet-wot-wot kind of tea party is becoming more in fashion than the "we're not racists, really, we just hate the president and think he eats a lot of bananas, GEEZ" kind. And this makes me happy. It also makes me want a crumpet. Or, it makes me want to find out what a crumpet is and then want one. Cheerio!

No, actually, everything sucks. EVERYTHING. In the entire world. Except kittens. (Well, they suckle. Which is entirely different, and cute.)

So has anyone but me noticed the world is becoming a giant fuckbasket? Is anyone like, trying to stop this, or something? Just wondering.

My life could not mirror the general mood of fuckbastry any better if it was run by Congress. (Okay, it probably could. Congress is the forgotten, left-out-in-the-sun-for-a-week Easter egg in the fuckbasket of life.)

I sincerely do not want to talk about it. ANY of it. I can't laugh at it, I can't make funny reindeer pictures out of it, I just want it to GO AWAY. I'll be in bed, under a pile of squishy blankets. If you bother me, I will tell you to go away. Unless you have pancakes. Maybe.

Crapening II: The False Alarm (Lamest sequel ever, but whew!)

Everything I thought sucked, does not actually suck. Well, not everything. Actually everything I think sucks pretty much does suck, except the stuff I thought sucked at 8:46 this morning. That's all good.

And I hate Twilight. Not because it's cool to hate Twilight, but because it sucks. It still gets an A for escapism but so does three margaritas, especially with the little umbrellas in. And you probably won't wake up with a vampire biting your pillow. ... probably. So here's a toast to things continuing to... not suck for the next 5 months.

I think I understand now why people like Twilight, fuck.

It's escapism, and escaping is good. Or rather, it's not so much good as the lesser of two evils (reality being the great Cthulu in this scenario).

Yes the Crapening has returned, with great and mighty force. Crapening II: Revenge of the Crap.

So I had the terrible horrible no good very bad week from hell. In a hand basket. On a pogo stick. Even my RPG sucked. When things go bad in your imaginary world, where exactly do you go? Hint: it involved a lot of sleeping. And watching Hoarders and Toddler & Tiaras. And eating candy. I'm not proud. But things are much better now, after what I will refer to as the Weekend of the Great De-crapening, so I am back. My DVR kindly recorded the Chitlin Strut for me so... yeah, that is a really weird sentence. My DVR knows me too well in a sort of uncomfortable way. But that means more T&T posts, so woo hoo!

My DVR reads my mind while I sleep, doesn't it. :/ THAT'S HOW THEY WORK, ISN'T IT. YOUR TECHNOLOGY FRIGHTENS AND CONFUSES ME. But... thanks for the Toddlers & Tiaras episodes I would have never admitted wanting to anyone else. Actually you're kinda like my BFF, aren't you DVR? Let's... try on jeans together and eat pudding. Or whatever the hell BFFs do.

It may shock you from my posts, but I've never had a female friend *gasp!* I know, I'm so full of girlish goo. Can't you just picture me squealing on the phone all day? But seriously, I'm not bothered by this. I don't understand the way women act with each other and I don't miss it. I'm relieved to have my space. And my DVR, who never judges and also does a damn fine pedicure!



Oh DVR, Chitlin Strut and Rosy Pink Shimmer? You spoil me! (And yes, my feet ARE SO surrounded by flowers and water and... tea garden stones. SHADDUP.)

You would not believe how many girls on LJ have usernames like HAYDENSMOMMY2003 and KADENSMOMMA09 and JADENSMOMMIE and well, I think you get the idea. First of all, I'm sure they're all giant MILFS. Have kids? check. Have breasts? check. Congratulations, you are now a fully qualified MILF. Go forth and... milficate.

Second, the supercoolspecial names like KADEN! and MADISON! are no longer super cool and special when EVERYONE HAS THEM. "I want to be original, just like everyone else! Ooh Kaden, only five of my friends used that name already, they're so cool and different, I wanna be cool and different too!" This is also how hipsters happen. Like hipsters, the only way to tell them apart is by punching one of them in the face. Try sporting that shiner "ironically," sunshine.

There's also a fair amount of lj fuckery/mean Christian overlap. Here are some charming userpic messages to brighten your day: "Bitch you're on my shit list," "You are classy with a capital cunt," "One classy bitch," "Sorry I'm prettier than you," "Honey you're a dirty slag," and last but not least, "Christ follower." Yes, they all belong to the same person. I hope she never gets confused and ends up with "Jesus is a dirty slag" or something. Or maybe Christ is her sexy neighbor she follows around with high-powered binoculars? *grasps at anything to try to make the world make sense* Apparently being a Christian is like being a MILF. You just have to say you are one, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

In case this person wasn't confounding enough, she likes... Doctor Who? And Big Bang Theory, and Harry Potter? But but... those are MY things! "Classy bitches" and MILFS and woo girls can't have those things, they have Britney Spears and Jersey Shore and America's Next Top Slag Housewife Dancing with the Stars! Get your mean girl face outta my happy place. :/

This stuff is very prevalent on LJ, for some reason. The "I'm a classy bitch and you are something demeaning that makes you inferior" school of thought. From these girls' journals you'd think they've had really rough lives, hoes and slags and cunts humping their man's leg at every turn, what's a poor classy bitch to do? It's tough out there on the mean streets of *checks*... San Diego. I don't know what happened to turn today's young women so hard, but I'd like very much to go back in time and shoot it into space.

The worst part is I feel like I'm the only one who gives a shit or even notices. Man, I feel old.

BUT I'M NOT OLD. I'M RIGHT, DAMMIT.

DAY 2937 OF OCCUPY: MY BEDROOM. DEMANDS STILL NOT MET.

Oh, fuckcakes. I had a terrible night. And a mostly terrible day, except for the candy-getting part. Oh and the burrito-getting part, that was pretty good too. But the parts that didn't involve putting stuff in my mouth? TERRIBLE.

When I'm sad I tend to roam the internet like a lonely hitchhiker, seeking out things from the past. The last thing I expected was the rare LLOL (LITERAL LAUGH OUT LOUD), but I sure needed it tonight. I looked up this girl I went to elementary school with, found her facebook and some other stuff, and this girl was like SUPER SMART so I wasn't surprised she had some long initimidating-sounding technical title at WeUnderstandYourComputerAndYouDon'tCo,Inc. And a Masters degree. And possibly a pony. So then I click on the myspace of a girl with her name, scroll down to see if it's her, and there was her occupation: MEAT PROCESSOR. So yeah... probably a different person. And OMG, I think I peed a little. Not that there's anything wrong with processing meat! But it sounds exactly like what I would make up to be the opposite of Technical Smartypants, so that made my night. Cause real life should sound like me more often.

My title is now officially MEAT PROCESSOR, if anyone asks.

This photo is totally gonna rock my journal now. It pretty much sums up everything I want to say about life that can be said with a bedazzler, ya know? The four exclamation marks really make it for me. Cause three just wouldn't have been enough! What would Jesus do? Punctuate!!!!

So I watched this episode again to confirm that the Glitz!Jesus lady and the lady who dressed her 4 year old up like a prostitute were one and the same, and by golly I was not disappointed. I wonder what happened to her to make the flow of blood completely stop reaching her brain. Clearly she is a miracle of science.

I forgot what a deep fried mess this one was. Nothin' but high-pitched twangs, screaming children and "unfortunate" mishaps. And it's the south, so it's all very dramatic! "Who wears a big bad wolf costume to a pageant to scare all the other little kids?" One mom cries in her best outraged twang. Um, a FUCKING GENIUS? Geez, no wonder the lil hooker* won. Everyone else was really terrible. I mean, they did NOT bring their A-game despite being thoroughly briefed on the necessity of bringing one's A-game. You'd almost think they were like, toddlers or something. And I don't know if these moms were a special brand of awful or if the INCESSANT TWANGING JUST STRETCHED OUT EVERY AGONIZING SYLLABLE LIKE A MEDIEVAL TORTURE DEVICE, but holy FUCK they grated on me.

*Lil Hooker doll, coming to the back alley of a store near you! Oh wait, they're already called Bratz.

Stupid name of the pageant: Brystol (also the girl scared by the big bad wolf. Probably unrelated). "We named her after the racetrack, but with a y cause you know, we're not rednecks or anything. These are her twin sisters, Daytonna and Tallydega. I swear we're really interesting, and I read a book once!" I dare you to figure out if I'm making that up or not. YOU CAN'T, CAN YOU? That's the beauty of T&T, folks. It's like living in a world completely populated by fairies and mermaids and elves; if a unicorn walked in would anyone really notice?

I had more to write tonight but I'm tired, so I'll be back tomorrow! It appears I've finally broken out of my recent blog funk. I might even be ready to tackle that chitlin pageant; I just need some earplugs to keep the twanging down to a dull roar.

The earplugs... they do nothing. :/

I was randomly searching people from my old hometown on facebook and came across the little boy of the woman who used to babysit me, who had grown into a very gay man. Now that's not exactly earth-shaking (well in El Segundo it might be actually), but this guy isn't just gay he is VERY VERY gay, he is King Gaynor of Gaystonia. His interests listed are "Gay Marriage, Gay Music Videos, Gay Movies, Gay Podcasts..." *deep breath* ... Gaytime: Television for Gay Men, Gay Hiking, Gay Decathlon, Gay Hunting, Fishing and Archery Association, Gay Australian Rules Football, Gay Book Club, Gay Astronomy, Gay Birdwatching, Gay Breakfast, Gay Cream of Mushroom Soup, Gay Playing the Guitar, and Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay.*

So yeah, he's gay a little. And considering I last saw him as a tow-headed 6-year old being raised by two straight, conservative El Segundo parents, I had a fleeting sense of... disreality. (Yeah, that's a word. MAKE IT NOT BE ONE.) This on top of the sense of disreality you always feel upon seeing someone you knew as a little kid as an adult. "You mean... they grew UP? What?!" After my brain processed the unexpected information, it felt happy. I mean, growing up gay in El Segundo must have sucked. I wonder how long it took him to come out, like if he waited til after he moved on to the gayer pastures of Santa Monica, or what. But while his interest list might be a bit excessively gay, he looks comfortable with himself, like an IT GETS BETTER ad. I'm happy for him. Hell, I'm GAY for him. Wheee!

*Gay Hobbies I considered and rejected upon rereading: Gay Fly-Fishing, Gay Deep Sea Diving, Gay Sandwiches, and Gay Sleeping with Other Men. Actually wait, I like that one. It's like the "Bob Johnson!" of fake gay hobbies. I had to keep Gay Cream of Mushroom Soup though. Now whenever someone searches the internets for "gay cream" - AND SOMEONE WILL - they'll be directed to my blog. And this makes me win. or something.

Love,
Punch Rockgroin (unfunnest gay hobby ever!)

I've been feeling kind of flibberty lately. I can't seem to focus on anything. Not even T&T, waah. So I bring you randomness, mostly lj and political fuckery.

A while back I made the post about Ye Olde Englishe Shoppeing a name up, as in adding random superfluous letters, wherein I christened myself Maelissah or some such silliness. At the time it was funny because it was hyperbolic, but now it's tragic because it's true. Ladies and gentleman, your lj mom name fuckery of the day... IZABELLAH!

Don't make me take the letter Z away from you people, cause I'll do it. Then I'll come for your H in all its proud, silent majesty. Look at it standing there, defying you to tell it it's doing nothing. I understand, letter H. You just wanna contribute something to the cause, you don't wanna die down there in no man's land. It's all you can do to stand up straight. Cheer up emo H, I'm taking you to a better place, at the front of a word, where you'll actually get to make a sound! Like HISS! Or HI-KEEBA! There, isn't that better already? *pats*

Me: Saving the alphabet from name fuckery, one letter at a time! The More You Know.

All the girls on LJ are named either Brittany/Britneee or Ashley/Ashleeee. ALL OF THEM. A lot of them are idiots and name fuckers. And a lot of these name fuckers are self-proclaimed MILFS. A MILF is a "mom I'd like to fuck," we all know this. Except, apparently, all these girls who don't understand "milf" is something SOMEONE ELSE calls you. You are basically saying you would like to go fuck yourself. I understand the sentiment, I'd like you to go fuck yourself too, but MILF: YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

So new rule. Don't call yourself a MILF if you're not a MILF. Don't call yourself a MILF if you are a MILF. If you are, in fact, a MILF you likely don't have to call yourself one, cause you're too busy being a mom, and... fucking people, I guess? If you call yourself a MILF, you likely have huge boobs (oh!), a huge gut (oh :/), wear tight clothes that squeeze random things out, are very horny and are sick of dealing with screaming and diaper rash and dream of a place where you're not wearing your sexy thong under size 16 mom jeans and you're not tired all the time and your hubby isn't a drunk redneck who knocks you up between NASCAR races, NO! You're a MILF dammit, just by virtue of being a mom, and you can prove it! Squeeze into your sexiest wal-mart jeans, show off that thong and tramp stamp, walk around for a while sticking your boobs out til some guy is like BLAM! GIANT BOOBS IN MY FACE! and makes the cartoon woogly eyes and lets out an involuntary grunt in the direction of your chest and TADA! You are now a MILF, because you're alive and have breasts and gave birth. I mean, you can see how she'd just naturally assume, right?



If you call yourself a MILF, this is how you'll appear in my head. You've been warned.

P.S. If you value, well... anything, do not google image "fat milf." EVER.

Side note: I do not understand thongs. Life is scary enough without your underwear constantly threatening to creep up your butt. :/

Political fuckery time! To the "comedian" who said the death of Khaddafy-Qidaffffblergh-Gesundheit-however-the-hell-you-spell-it-Libyan-name-fuckery means liberals need to kill Sarah Palin:

First of all, WHAT? Second, that's not even remotely humorous. Third, WHAT?



Mocking Sarah Palin: AWESOME, if a bit fish-in-a-barrely. Saying she, or anyone else a few ridiculous hats shy of being a dictator, should be killed: FUCKERY.

You know, I'm gonna skip over all the serious important stuff about WAY TO FUCK UP OUR STANCE ON NON-VIOLENT RHETORIC, JACKASS, and how really offensive and counterproductive and possibly dangerous that is (HI A WOMAN WAS ACTUALLY SHOT IN THE HEAD YOU MORON). Ok... I'm done skipping over that now. *cough*

Instead I will critique the "humor." Let's pretend for a moment it's ok to suggest killing innocent people. Ya with me? Good! The "joke" doesn't work because Sarah Palin has nothing to do with Qaddafiwhatsit. She isn't a crazed dictator, she doesn't kill people... and yeah, that's pretty much it. It's like saying hey, a kangaroo died in Australia today, everyone in Kansas must be shot! Kansas: Um, what? Kangaroos? Now if you were to suggest she be killed by say, a special ops caribou force, or a Fish Militia, or a Navy seal team of ACTUAL SEALS, that might be funny. Cause she kills that stuff! HAHAHAHA! Anything else is just random nonsense. (Ok, she probably doesn't actually kill seals. That's how you exaggerate without crossing the border into hate speech. Dig?)



Reindeer Green Berets: Whose head's gonna be hung over the mantle now, motherfucker?! *PEWPEWPEW*

Now that's funny. You're welcome.