A while back I made the post about Ye Olde Englishe Shoppeing a name up, as in adding random superfluous letters, wherein I christened myself Maelissah or some such silliness. At the time it was funny because it was hyperbolic, but now it's tragic because it's true. Ladies and gentleman, your lj mom name fuckery of the day... IZABELLAH!
Don't make me take the letter Z away from you people, cause I'll do it. Then I'll come for your H in all its proud, silent majesty. Look at it standing there, defying you to tell it it's doing nothing. I understand, letter H. You just wanna contribute something to the cause, you don't wanna die down there in no man's land. It's all you can do to stand up straight. Cheer up emo H, I'm taking you to a better place, at the front of a word, where you'll actually get to make a sound! Like HISS! Or HI-KEEBA! There, isn't that better already? *pats*
Me: Saving the alphabet from name fuckery, one letter at a time! The More You Know.
All the girls on LJ are named either Brittany/Britneee or Ashley/Ashleeee. ALL OF THEM. A lot of them are idiots and name fuckers. And a lot of these name fuckers are self-proclaimed MILFS. A MILF is a "mom I'd like to fuck," we all know this. Except, apparently, all these girls who don't understand "milf" is something SOMEONE ELSE calls you. You are basically saying you would like to go fuck yourself. I understand the sentiment, I'd like you to go fuck yourself too, but MILF: YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.
So new rule. Don't call yourself a MILF if you're not a MILF. Don't call yourself a MILF if you are a MILF. If you are, in fact, a MILF you likely don't have to call yourself one, cause you're too busy being a mom, and... fucking people, I guess? If you call yourself a MILF, you likely have huge boobs (oh!), a huge gut (oh :/), wear tight clothes that squeeze random things out, are very horny and are sick of dealing with screaming and diaper rash and dream of a place where you're not wearing your sexy thong under size 16 mom jeans and you're not tired all the time and your hubby isn't a drunk redneck who knocks you up between NASCAR races, NO! You're a MILF dammit, just by virtue of being a mom, and you can prove it! Squeeze into your sexiest wal-mart jeans, show off that thong and tramp stamp, walk around for a while sticking your boobs out til some guy is like BLAM! GIANT BOOBS IN MY FACE! and makes the cartoon woogly eyes and lets out an involuntary grunt in the direction of your chest and TADA! You are now a MILF, because you're alive and have breasts and gave birth. I mean, you can see how she'd just naturally assume, right?
If you call yourself a MILF, this is how you'll appear in my head. You've been warned.
P.S. If you value, well... anything, do not google image "fat milf." EVER.
Side note: I do not understand thongs. Life is scary enough without your underwear constantly threatening to creep up your butt. :/
Political fuckery time! To the "comedian" who said the death of Khaddafy-Qidaffffblergh-Gesundheit-however-the-hell-you-spell-it-Libyan-name-fuckery means liberals need to kill Sarah Palin:
First of all, WHAT? Second, that's not even remotely humorous. Third, WHAT?
Mocking Sarah Palin: AWESOME, if a bit fish-in-a-barrely. Saying she, or anyone else a few ridiculous hats shy of being a dictator, should be killed: FUCKERY.
You know, I'm gonna skip over all the serious important stuff about WAY TO FUCK UP OUR STANCE ON NON-VIOLENT RHETORIC, JACKASS, and how really offensive and counterproductive and possibly dangerous that is (HI A WOMAN WAS ACTUALLY SHOT IN THE HEAD YOU MORON). Ok... I'm done skipping over that now. *cough*
Instead I will critique the "humor." Let's pretend for a moment it's ok to suggest killing innocent people. Ya with me? Good! The "joke" doesn't work because Sarah Palin has nothing to do with Qaddafiwhatsit. She isn't a crazed dictator, she doesn't kill people... and yeah, that's pretty much it. It's like saying hey, a kangaroo died in Australia today, everyone in Kansas must be shot! Kansas: Um, what? Kangaroos? Now if you were to suggest she be killed by say, a special ops caribou force, or a Fish Militia, or a Navy seal team of ACTUAL SEALS, that might be funny. Cause she kills that stuff! HAHAHAHA! Anything else is just random nonsense. (Ok, she probably doesn't actually kill seals. That's how you exaggerate without crossing the border into hate speech. Dig?)
Reindeer Green Berets: Whose head's gonna be hung over the mantle now, motherfucker?! *PEWPEWPEW*
Now that's funny. You're welcome.
