You would not believe how many girls on LJ have usernames like HAYDENSMOMMY2003 and KADENSMOMMA09 and JADENSMOMMIE and well, I think you get the idea. First of all, I'm sure they're all giant MILFS. Have kids? check. Have breasts? check. Congratulations, you are now a fully qualified MILF. Go forth and... milficate.
Second, the supercoolspecial names like KADEN! and MADISON! are no longer super cool and special when EVERYONE HAS THEM. "I want to be original, just like everyone else! Ooh Kaden, only five of my friends used that name already, they're so cool and different, I wanna be cool and different too!" This is also how hipsters happen. Like hipsters, the only way to tell them apart is by punching one of them in the face. Try sporting that shiner "ironically," sunshine.
There's also a fair amount of lj fuckery/mean Christian overlap. Here are some charming userpic messages to brighten your day: "Bitch you're on my shit list," "You are classy with a capital cunt," "One classy bitch," "Sorry I'm prettier than you," "Honey you're a dirty slag," and last but not least, "Christ follower." Yes, they all belong to the same person. I hope she never gets confused and ends up with "Jesus is a dirty slag" or something. Or maybe Christ is her sexy neighbor she follows around with high-powered binoculars? *grasps at anything to try to make the world make sense* Apparently being a Christian is like being a MILF. You just have to say you are one, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
In case this person wasn't confounding enough, she likes... Doctor Who? And Big Bang Theory, and Harry Potter? But but... those are MY things! "Classy bitches" and MILFS and woo girls can't have those things, they have Britney Spears and Jersey Shore and America's Next Top Slag Housewife Dancing with the Stars! Get your mean girl face outta my happy place. :/
This stuff is very prevalent on LJ, for some reason. The "I'm a classy bitch and you are something demeaning that makes you inferior" school of thought. From these girls' journals you'd think they've had really rough lives, hoes and slags and cunts humping their man's leg at every turn, what's a poor classy bitch to do? It's tough out there on the mean streets of *checks*... San Diego. I don't know what happened to turn today's young women so hard, but I'd like very much to go back in time and shoot it into space.
The worst part is I feel like I'm the only one who gives a shit or even notices. Man, I feel old.
BUT I'M NOT OLD. I'M RIGHT, DAMMIT.
Showing posts with label MILF: you're doing it wrong. Show all posts
Showing posts with label MILF: you're doing it wrong. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
I've been feeling kind of flibberty lately. I can't seem to focus on anything. Not even T&T, waah. So I bring you randomness, mostly lj and political fuckery.
A while back I made the post about Ye Olde Englishe Shoppeing a name up, as in adding random superfluous letters, wherein I christened myself Maelissah or some such silliness. At the time it was funny because it was hyperbolic, but now it's tragic because it's true. Ladies and gentleman, your lj mom name fuckery of the day... IZABELLAH!
Don't make me take the letter Z away from you people, cause I'll do it. Then I'll come for your H in all its proud, silent majesty. Look at it standing there, defying you to tell it it's doing nothing. I understand, letter H. You just wanna contribute something to the cause, you don't wanna die down there in no man's land. It's all you can do to stand up straight. Cheer up emo H, I'm taking you to a better place, at the front of a word, where you'll actually get to make a sound! Like HISS! Or HI-KEEBA! There, isn't that better already? *pats*
Me: Saving the alphabet from name fuckery, one letter at a time! The More You Know.
All the girls on LJ are named either Brittany/Britneee or Ashley/Ashleeee. ALL OF THEM. A lot of them are idiots and name fuckers. And a lot of these name fuckers are self-proclaimed MILFS. A MILF is a "mom I'd like to fuck," we all know this. Except, apparently, all these girls who don't understand "milf" is something SOMEONE ELSE calls you. You are basically saying you would like to go fuck yourself. I understand the sentiment, I'd like you to go fuck yourself too, but MILF: YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.
So new rule. Don't call yourself a MILF if you're not a MILF. Don't call yourself a MILF if you are a MILF. If you are, in fact, a MILF you likely don't have to call yourself one, cause you're too busy being a mom, and... fucking people, I guess? If you call yourself a MILF, you likely have huge boobs (oh!), a huge gut (oh :/), wear tight clothes that squeeze random things out, are very horny and are sick of dealing with screaming and diaper rash and dream of a place where you're not wearing your sexy thong under size 16 mom jeans and you're not tired all the time and your hubby isn't a drunk redneck who knocks you up between NASCAR races, NO! You're a MILF dammit, just by virtue of being a mom, and you can prove it! Squeeze into your sexiest wal-mart jeans, show off that thong and tramp stamp, walk around for a while sticking your boobs out til some guy is like BLAM! GIANT BOOBS IN MY FACE! and makes the cartoon woogly eyes and lets out an involuntary grunt in the direction of your chest and TADA! You are now a MILF, because you're alive and have breasts and gave birth. I mean, you can see how she'd just naturally assume, right?
If you call yourself a MILF, this is how you'll appear in my head. You've been warned.
P.S. If you value, well... anything, do not google image "fat milf." EVER.
Side note: I do not understand thongs. Life is scary enough without your underwear constantly threatening to creep up your butt. :/
Political fuckery time! To the "comedian" who said the death of Khaddafy-Qidaffffblergh-Gesundheit-however-the-hell-you-spell-it-Libyan-name-fuckery means liberals need to kill Sarah Palin:
First of all, WHAT? Second, that's not even remotely humorous. Third, WHAT?
Mocking Sarah Palin: AWESOME, if a bit fish-in-a-barrely. Saying she, or anyone else a few ridiculous hats shy of being a dictator, should be killed: FUCKERY.
You know, I'm gonna skip over all the serious important stuff about WAY TO FUCK UP OUR STANCE ON NON-VIOLENT RHETORIC, JACKASS, and how really offensive and counterproductive and possibly dangerous that is (HI A WOMAN WAS ACTUALLY SHOT IN THE HEAD YOU MORON). Ok... I'm done skipping over that now. *cough*
Instead I will critique the "humor." Let's pretend for a moment it's ok to suggest killing innocent people. Ya with me? Good! The "joke" doesn't work because Sarah Palin has nothing to do with Qaddafiwhatsit. She isn't a crazed dictator, she doesn't kill people... and yeah, that's pretty much it. It's like saying hey, a kangaroo died in Australia today, everyone in Kansas must be shot! Kansas: Um, what? Kangaroos? Now if you were to suggest she be killed by say, a special ops caribou force, or a Fish Militia, or a Navy seal team of ACTUAL SEALS, that might be funny. Cause she kills that stuff! HAHAHAHA! Anything else is just random nonsense. (Ok, she probably doesn't actually kill seals. That's how you exaggerate without crossing the border into hate speech. Dig?)
Reindeer Green Berets: Whose head's gonna be hung over the mantle now, motherfucker?! *PEWPEWPEW*
Now that's funny. You're welcome.
A while back I made the post about Ye Olde Englishe Shoppeing a name up, as in adding random superfluous letters, wherein I christened myself Maelissah or some such silliness. At the time it was funny because it was hyperbolic, but now it's tragic because it's true. Ladies and gentleman, your lj mom name fuckery of the day... IZABELLAH!
Don't make me take the letter Z away from you people, cause I'll do it. Then I'll come for your H in all its proud, silent majesty. Look at it standing there, defying you to tell it it's doing nothing. I understand, letter H. You just wanna contribute something to the cause, you don't wanna die down there in no man's land. It's all you can do to stand up straight. Cheer up emo H, I'm taking you to a better place, at the front of a word, where you'll actually get to make a sound! Like HISS! Or HI-KEEBA! There, isn't that better already? *pats*
Me: Saving the alphabet from name fuckery, one letter at a time! The More You Know.
All the girls on LJ are named either Brittany/Britneee or Ashley/Ashleeee. ALL OF THEM. A lot of them are idiots and name fuckers. And a lot of these name fuckers are self-proclaimed MILFS. A MILF is a "mom I'd like to fuck," we all know this. Except, apparently, all these girls who don't understand "milf" is something SOMEONE ELSE calls you. You are basically saying you would like to go fuck yourself. I understand the sentiment, I'd like you to go fuck yourself too, but MILF: YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.
So new rule. Don't call yourself a MILF if you're not a MILF. Don't call yourself a MILF if you are a MILF. If you are, in fact, a MILF you likely don't have to call yourself one, cause you're too busy being a mom, and... fucking people, I guess? If you call yourself a MILF, you likely have huge boobs (oh!), a huge gut (oh :/), wear tight clothes that squeeze random things out, are very horny and are sick of dealing with screaming and diaper rash and dream of a place where you're not wearing your sexy thong under size 16 mom jeans and you're not tired all the time and your hubby isn't a drunk redneck who knocks you up between NASCAR races, NO! You're a MILF dammit, just by virtue of being a mom, and you can prove it! Squeeze into your sexiest wal-mart jeans, show off that thong and tramp stamp, walk around for a while sticking your boobs out til some guy is like BLAM! GIANT BOOBS IN MY FACE! and makes the cartoon woogly eyes and lets out an involuntary grunt in the direction of your chest and TADA! You are now a MILF, because you're alive and have breasts and gave birth. I mean, you can see how she'd just naturally assume, right?
If you call yourself a MILF, this is how you'll appear in my head. You've been warned.
P.S. If you value, well... anything, do not google image "fat milf." EVER.
Side note: I do not understand thongs. Life is scary enough without your underwear constantly threatening to creep up your butt. :/
Political fuckery time! To the "comedian" who said the death of Khaddafy-Qidaffffblergh-Gesundheit-however-the-hell-you-spell-it-Libyan-name-fuckery means liberals need to kill Sarah Palin:
First of all, WHAT? Second, that's not even remotely humorous. Third, WHAT?
Mocking Sarah Palin: AWESOME, if a bit fish-in-a-barrely. Saying she, or anyone else a few ridiculous hats shy of being a dictator, should be killed: FUCKERY.
You know, I'm gonna skip over all the serious important stuff about WAY TO FUCK UP OUR STANCE ON NON-VIOLENT RHETORIC, JACKASS, and how really offensive and counterproductive and possibly dangerous that is (HI A WOMAN WAS ACTUALLY SHOT IN THE HEAD YOU MORON). Ok... I'm done skipping over that now. *cough*
Instead I will critique the "humor." Let's pretend for a moment it's ok to suggest killing innocent people. Ya with me? Good! The "joke" doesn't work because Sarah Palin has nothing to do with Qaddafiwhatsit. She isn't a crazed dictator, she doesn't kill people... and yeah, that's pretty much it. It's like saying hey, a kangaroo died in Australia today, everyone in Kansas must be shot! Kansas: Um, what? Kangaroos? Now if you were to suggest she be killed by say, a special ops caribou force, or a Fish Militia, or a Navy seal team of ACTUAL SEALS, that might be funny. Cause she kills that stuff! HAHAHAHA! Anything else is just random nonsense. (Ok, she probably doesn't actually kill seals. That's how you exaggerate without crossing the border into hate speech. Dig?)
Reindeer Green Berets: Whose head's gonna be hung over the mantle now, motherfucker?! *PEWPEWPEW*
Now that's funny. You're welcome.
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