I had to do it - the REAL worst song of 2018

WARNING - this is a cursed video! Clicking it may cause you to become infected with Untalented Attention-Seeking Douchebag Virus. If teenage white boys start listening to you ironically, please see your doctor immediately.



I... I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to give this any more underserved attention than it already has. But it's TORMENTING me. This song is one of the circles of Hell. I need to exorcise it from my soul. And of course, the only way to do that is to have a good old rant.

I guess we'll call this "post-zombie apocalypse music" and look, I'm glad the brainless walking dead are exploring their artistic side. Far be it for me to suppress culture. But... why is anyone else listening to this? WHY WAS IT A TOP 10 BILLBOARD HIT??

The answer is, the charts are no longer relevant and won't be as long as songs that are basically jokes, streamed by children and teens endlessly for FREE, are allowed to actually impact popular culture. I'm not mad this "song" exists; I'm mad it got out. I'm mad it's not firmly in its niche where it belongs and I had to hear it. Because as soulless and droning as this thing is - and the lyrics might as well just be "BRAAAAAAAINS" over and over - it's also somehow earwormy. To a ridiculous level. I, a grownass woman, should not have this parasite in my brain just because I watch youtube videos about music. (Is this thing actually played on the radio? Or in shops, or anywhere in polite society? I don't think I've heard it outside. But the threat is there, dammit. The threat is REAL.)

So anyone who says counting streams hasn't made pop music that bad, we're just overreacting, please listen to "Mo Bamba" over and over again on a loop for all eternity. It's fucking obvious why free streams shouldn't be counted - you'll click on any idiotic thing if you don't have to pay for it! You'll listen to it "ironically" or even hate-listen, and it all counts the same. Especially if you're a teen, tween, or fratdouche male. (Sidenote: I doubt any woman has ever listened to this song voluntarily.) So these dipshits are allowed to partially control the music culture and we all pay, even though they don't. Sure, pop music has always skewed young but when you actually have to shell out your Christmas money, you're not gonna spend it on this backed-up septic tank of a song.

This guy knows he's shit, everyone who listens to this knows it's shit, but that's the point. Ha ha ha. Let's stick it to people with taste, they suck. Remember when kids' rebellion music was rock n roll, or at least good hip hop like Dr. Dre? They had to earn our money. And idiots like this Sheck person don't. This isn't a case of one generation not understanding the next. Nothing has changed; kids have always rebelled. And that's fine! Listen to your shitty song to your heart's content, kids, but I shouldn't have to. It's the system that's changed, and it's broken. So how do we fix it? Streaming isn't going anywhere, but how about only paid streams count? That should at least cut back on 12 year old boys having so much power.

To compare this with probably the shittiest equivalent from my time, "Ice Ice Baby" - yeah, that song sucks, but there's an obvious reason it was a hit. That sweet "Under Pressure" beat. Why you wouldn't just listen to "Under Pressure" I have no idea, but Vanilla Ice played us. That's the shame of my generation, but at least there's an identifiable appeal. The lone appeal of "Mo Bamba" seems to be to torture other people with it. That sums up 2018 better than anything else I could say.

So "Frinds," as horrible as you are, you are only the second-worst song I heard in 2018 by virtue of being an actual song. And lemme tell you, I hate that song more every time I hear it. Girl, you are way past the "friend zone" and into the Twilight Zone with this guy. UGH. No, I'm not going back there. I PROMISED MYSELF I WOULDN'T GO BACK.

And I have to reiterate, when I say these are the two worst songs I heard, I refuse to listen to the garbage made by any of the criminals that had hits this year. That I even have to say "any of the criminals" is insulting, scary, and sad. "Stop making terrible people famous" has become a rallying cry, and really, let's do that, shall we? And also, maybe put the violent criminals in prison where they belong? We can let out all the poor people in there for weed and other non-violent bs to make space for 'em. WIN/WIN.

POSITIVE music post coming next, and then 2019! Let's do better. That clean slate is so smooth and inviting, isn't it?

Worst song ever?

Well, I hate to burst the positive bubble I've been in, but yesterday I was at the mall and... I heard it. The WORST SONG EVER WRITTEN (ending the tragically short reign of that new Fall Out Boy abomination). This song makes bro country sound like Johnny Cash. This song makes The Chainsmokers sound like Beck. THIS SONG MAKES THAT FUCKING FALL OUT BOY SONG SOUND GOOD. This song... makes me say ridiculous things.

You have been warned.



Yes, a "love" "song" with lyrics about "swiping right" and "tapping twice," and I don't want to live on this planet anymore. :( :( :( I'll be in my haunted treehouse on the moon.

At least the mall trip was successful. I got a sweet Oilers shirt, and in a youth size so it was cheap! #hobbitperks

Worthless Yahoo Headline/Story of the Day:

"French Montana Posts Picture of Khloe Kardashian's Butt, Shares his Girlfriend's Assets with the World"

Sometimes I genuinely feel like I don't know where I am. This is one of those articles that makes me disoriented, like what planet am I on? What happened to us as a people? Is there any sense of decency left when trash like this is plastered across a mainstream news page instead of some dark back alley of the internet?

Usually I'm content to let the headline speak for itself, but I'm gonna delve deeper into this one. Cover me.

"French Montana left fans in no doubt as to which part of Khloe Kardashian he treasures the most, by sharing a photo of her famous butt via Instagram"

Gosh, how touching. First of all, what the hell is a "French Montana?" A performer in a wild west-themed drag show? Some kind of gay cowboy sex move (not that there's anything wrong with that)? A failed land merger? I give up.

"The 29-year-old rapper snapped the racy picture, of 30-year-old Kardashian's curvaceous booty, clad in a pair of brown skintight hot pants while she lay on an unmade four poster bed. And sharing the picture with fans via his Instagram account, he captioned it, simply, "#asssscap."

Ah, it's a rapper. That... doesn't actually explain anything at all. Still a stupid-ass name. Okay, whatever. The point is, I think copying and pasting that just gave my computer an STD. Thanks, French.

"The pair have spent the past few days together in New York, on the set of Montana’s new music video for "Don't Panic." And the rapper’s latest picture proves the couple are closer than ever."

Yes, nothing says deep, meaningful relationship like sharing your girlfriend's ass with the world. I give these kids a good 6 months, which I guess by Hollywood standards is a damn Rick Astley song.

If I was her... I'd probably burst into flames, but if I didn't, I'd totally post a photo of whatever his dumb face looks like and caption it #myfavoriteass. But clearly, she doesn't care about being objectified. She doesn't care that the wrong end of her is "most treasured," unless her brain's in her ass. Which is a theory I'm willing to entertain.

Please, just let these people, and more importantly, this ridiculous culture, go away.

Ew ew EW!!!! More that is everything WRONG!

NBC chairman Bob Greenblatt said, “It was a difficult decision. Everyone here respects Harry’s Law a lot but we were finding it hard to grow the audience for it. Its audience skewed very old. It’s hard to monetize that.”

Now I never watched this show, but I only watch a handful of shows and none of them are crap like The Bachelor that is apparently easily MONETIZED (barf up a stream) either, so that's beside the point. The point is, HI, I'M BOB EVIL.

Yes, I understand companies need to make a profit. But goddamit, it didn't used to be ALL about that. There used to be some damned CULTURE AND HUMANITY. It really is all about the bottom line now, isn't it? How depressing.

I'm going to stop reading things now and listen to some country music.

Okay that's it, I'm putting this past week behind me forever. No more of this. Back to funnish posts next week when the mean fog has cleared.