Worthless Yahoo Headline of the Day

I'm back from vacation!... to this. Why did I come down off that mountain again?

"While some are obsessed with Derick Dillard's man bun, others speculate that Jill Dillard's pregnant"

WHO

EVER

LOVING

MOTHER

FUCKING

GIVES

A

FLYING

MONKEY

SHIT

???

*wistful sigh* I was like, so plaid, you guys. So happy and plaid. It was the plaidest vacation ever.

Worthless Yahoo Headline of the Day

"Bridezilla Demands Bridesmaids Pay for Her $10,500 Wedding Dress"

I... can't believe that's actually some people's lives.

FUN FACT: My wedding cost $100. The Las Vegas Wedding Wagon came to our hotel room. I wore an A&F sundress and a cardi I already had in my closet, and I REGRET NOTHING except that hideous gold curtain.

What part has that hideous gold curtain played in my actual married life? None. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada. A big fat gold doughnut*. You see what I'm trying to say here? MORE PEOPLE SHOULD BE LIKE MEEEEE. Stupid entitled brats. These are the people who are buying Meghan Trainor songs, aren't they? I see you. I know what you did and you should be ashamed!!

*mmm, gold doughnut.

Worthless Yahoo Headline of the Day

Or, thing I care least about in the whole wide world: "Taylor Swift's Squad Allegedly Unfollowed Demi Lovato for Posting a Selfie With Hailey Baldwin"

Seriously, tell me all about your toenail fungus. I'm all ears. Can't be any worse. I think my favorite part is the "allegedly," as though a crime may have taken place. Law & Order: Stupid Celebrity Tweets *chung chung*

Worthless Yahoo Headline of the Day

um.

"John Stamos Talks Rehab and Surprise Pregnancy"

...what kind of rehab was that, exactly?

Worthless Yahoo Headline of the Day

"MIRANDA LAMBERT: TWEET LIKED BY GWEN STEFANI, ALTHOUGH GWEN STILL DOESN’T FOLLOW HER"

LIKE OMG YOU GUYS!! Hurray, apparently both Gwen and Miranda are more mature than the people who write Yahoo news headlines, who are clearly twelve. (I'm not betting the farm on Blake, though. Seriously, how does that corny doofball get these amazing women?)

I hate when celebs I love become tabloid fodder. Miranda might be the first one. I wish her happiness, dignity, and great music in her new relationship.

Worthless Yahoo Headline of the Day

"Polls may actually underestimate Trump's support, study finds"

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!

Worthless blah blah of the blah - sigh

Don't check Yahoo headlines, I tell myself. The world is chugging along just fine, you don't need to invite its stupid into your living room. But... what if something happened I actually want to know about? Something cool, like sentient life was discovered on Mars, and they have really good taste in music?

Sigh.

"Clinton: Trump not funny"

Now it takes SPECIAL ASS CIRCUMSTANCES for me to get all meme-y, but the real question was, do I go for the obvious-yet-satisfying "WELL DUUUUUUUH," or something different? Answer: Supernatural. The answer is always Supernatural.

Also, the headline quote came from a woman who I'm 88% sure was replaced with a cyborg at some point. Gawd I can't wait til this stupid shit is over. It gives me that I HATE EVERYTHING feel, and I hate hating things. I like liking things, dammit. So on that note...

Worthless Headlines of the Day

WE HAVE THE DEFINITIVE WORD, LADIES AND GENTLEMAN. "Candace Cameron Bure: Actress Says Starbucks Red Cup Is Not Offensive"

Thank gawd, our long national nightmare is finally over. We can now return to the nothing we were doing. And boy, if a Cameron thinks your religious outrage is batshit... you might have some soul-searchin' to do.

"Woman complained to Campbell’s about new gay-friendly soup ad"

OMG GAY SOUP!!!1 What great scourge is coming next, transgender tea? Cause gay people don't eat or drink like regular folks, they run on batteries and the souls of small children. TRUE FACTS. My favorite Gay Soup flavor has to be Lesbian Lentil, but I'm also quite fond of In the Navy Bean. Play me out, Village People!

Silly headline of the day

"9 ways you're cooking your steak wrong, according to the chef of Wall Street's oldest steakhouse"

Why not just save time and tell us the one right way to make it, then!

Headline of the day

"Miley Cyrus, 22, Reportedly 'Hooking Up' With 43-Year-Old Comedian Dane Cook"

Douchebaggery knows no age limit. This is perfect on a cosmic level.

Worthless headline of the day

"Kim Kardashian: Reality TV Personality Wears Body-Hugging Outfit at MTV Video Music Awards"

YOU DON'T SAY. I'd have thought she'd wear a muu muu or a hazmat suit! *eyeroll* Worthless, personified. News is supposed to be, y'know... new. That's why it's called "news" not "same old boring predictable crap."

Runner-up: "Luke Bryan: Musician Says He's Offended by the Term 'Bro-Country'"

What a coincidence, I'm offended by your dumb bro-ass music! He goes on to say something like "I feel it's used as a *gasp!* derogatory term." Gee Luke, ya THINK? A derogatory term about terrible, terrible music? Again, this is not news, and if it is news to Luke I'd like to find the rock he's been sleeping under and borrow it so I never have to hear his music again. Luke's been awfully butthurt lately about his terrible, terrible music. If all the criticism bothers him so much there's a pretty simple solution - stop making terrible, terrible music!!

Also, I feel like the rest of my life will be nothing but a series of finding out once-loved celebs are racists, rapists, or dead. Being an adult freaking sucks.

Worthless Headline of the Day

*sigh* Is it Feel Good Friday yet? No. No, it's Worthless Wednesday.

"Ariana Grande Won't Be Charged in California Doughnut-Licking Incident"

California Doughnut-Licking Incident needs to be the name of an indie band NOW. Quick! Go!

Headline that made me straight up giggle today:

"Madonna's Cone Bra Turns 25"

hoo...raay...?

We have weird priorities as a people, is what I'm saying.

Possible Stupidest Headline I've Ever Seen of the Day:

"Rihanna's 41 Best (and Nippliest!) Looks"

Nippliest?

NIPPLIEST??

NIPPLIEST???

Nip.

pli.

est.


I quit.

Worthless Yahoo Headline of the Day:

"Amanda Bynes Shows Off Slender Frame in New Twitter Selfie

The 28-year-old, who has been battling mental illness, has resurfaced on Twitter..."

Yes, because when you're battling mental illness, the most important thing is that you have a slender frame.

Fark off. This is why we can't have nice things.

Worthless Yahoo Headline of the - Oh, Wait!

"Miley Cyrus Wears Pasties Instead Of A Shirt, Continues Being Shocking"

That's right... it's a Yahoo headline that's a parody of a worthless Yahoo headline. Someone, somewhere, has some actual sense! And decency.

Okay, maybe not decency.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/07/miley-cyrus-pasties_n_5780658.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592

Blogger, in what I'm sure is some kind of self-defense against stupid, will not let me post the photo featured in this article. It is worth seeing, though. Not for the Miley ice cream pasties... HOOOOO HUMMMMM... but for the totally bored-looking dude standing behind her. He's like, whatever bitch, nothin' I ain't seen before. It pretty much sums up the proper reaction to this boring, talentless little hack. I mean, a blind man could pretty much see Miley coming at this point.

"If you still have the energy in your weary bones to be shocked by Miley Cyrus prepare to be rattled once more," the article begins. Oh, common sense writer, how I love you. "Saturday night, September 6, whilst you dreamed sweetly in your bed, Miley Cyrus was wearing pasties to the Alexander Wang's after party. (...) Where one buys such things is unclear. It's possible that Cyrus made them herself, seeing as she is a nascent artist with a prolific set of homemade bongs and other crafts to her name. Or maybe she just ripped them off a shirt from Delia's."

THE SAD LITTLE BIRD THAT LIVES IN A CAGE IN MY HEART IS AT LAST FREE. FREEEEEEEEE!!!

Or, you know, it's just really snarky and awesome.

Usually comments on the internet make me die a little inside, but there were a couple gems at the top.

"She uses shock because she lacks any other talent!" Yup. Sadly, it still works. And while this writer is giving her the undeserved attention she wants, at least she did it her way. Cause you know someone had to write about it, and I'm glad it was this person and not someone feigning actual shock.

"I heard someone hacked into her phone and saw pictures of her fully clothed and with her mouth shut. She was not happy."

You win this battle of snark, random internet commenter. And to all parties involved here, thanks for making my night.

... Until it gets down to the rape comments, anyway. Goddammit internet.

Tomorrow I'm going to talk about a movie! Wheeee!

Worthless Yahoo Headline of the Day:

"Ariana Grande Posts Butt Selfie at NFL Kickoff"

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME... BUTTBALL?!?

And the entire world just got collectively dumber.

Yeah, that Amish thing's looking pretty sweet right now. A land where the words "butt selfie" hold no meaning. They have crops to till, you lazy butt-goggling assholes!

Worthless Yahoo Headline of the Day:

"Kim Kardashian Is 'Waist Training' With A Super-Tight Corset"

Boldly leading women back to the 1890s! Yeehaw!

Also, is it wrong that my only real response to this article was, "Starbucks makes a $2 coffee?!"

https://gma.yahoo.com/florida-man-deliberately-scuttles-pay-forward-starbucks-line-165749709--abc-news-topstories.html

Worthless Yahoo Headline of the Day:

"Casper Smart -- I Won't Be Banging JLo in My New House"

This is on the front page of Yahoo "news." I wonder how many kids will read that today. Why don't they just put straight-up porn on there? Obviously this is not "news" outside of some tabloid gossip column, and it's also reeeeeeally inappropriate for such a mainstream page.

Translation of headline: "Someone I've never heard of cause he's only 'famous' for dating someone who's actually famous buys house; does not have sex in it." There you go, your "news" for the day. Well I guess when the other news is some of the most depressing-ass crap I've ever seen I understand the need for something lighter, but AGAIN: "banging" is not appropriate terminology unless it's a story about carpentry.

I'm just waiting for comment from said house. My guess is it'll be, "Whew."

Worthless Yahoo headline of the day:

"Beyonce's Surfboard Instagram Is What You've Been Waiting For"

Oh Yahoo, you read my mind. Try to guess what I'm thinking now. Go on, I bet you'll never guess!

Is this what some people's lives really consist of? Waiting for celebrities to post photos on social media? I'm starting to feel disoriented again. Though I guess when your news alternatives are plane crashes, ebola virus, and never-ending conflict in the middle east, I understand the need for some sugary cereal. But you could also put down the computer and go for a walk. Listen to some music, play a game, read a snarky blog, surely there are better places to escape than silly celeb worship?

Whatever, at least Beyoncé actually has a job title other than "celebrity."