I had to do it - the REAL worst song of 2018

WARNING - this is a cursed video! Clicking it may cause you to become infected with Untalented Attention-Seeking Douchebag Virus. If teenage white boys start listening to you ironically, please see your doctor immediately.



I... I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to give this any more underserved attention than it already has. But it's TORMENTING me. This song is one of the circles of Hell. I need to exorcise it from my soul. And of course, the only way to do that is to have a good old rant.

I guess we'll call this "post-zombie apocalypse music" and look, I'm glad the brainless walking dead are exploring their artistic side. Far be it for me to suppress culture. But... why is anyone else listening to this? WHY WAS IT A TOP 10 BILLBOARD HIT??

The answer is, the charts are no longer relevant and won't be as long as songs that are basically jokes, streamed by children and teens endlessly for FREE, are allowed to actually impact popular culture. I'm not mad this "song" exists; I'm mad it got out. I'm mad it's not firmly in its niche where it belongs and I had to hear it. Because as soulless and droning as this thing is - and the lyrics might as well just be "BRAAAAAAAINS" over and over - it's also somehow earwormy. To a ridiculous level. I, a grownass woman, should not have this parasite in my brain just because I watch youtube videos about music. (Is this thing actually played on the radio? Or in shops, or anywhere in polite society? I don't think I've heard it outside. But the threat is there, dammit. The threat is REAL.)

So anyone who says counting streams hasn't made pop music that bad, we're just overreacting, please listen to "Mo Bamba" over and over again on a loop for all eternity. It's fucking obvious why free streams shouldn't be counted - you'll click on any idiotic thing if you don't have to pay for it! You'll listen to it "ironically" or even hate-listen, and it all counts the same. Especially if you're a teen, tween, or fratdouche male. (Sidenote: I doubt any woman has ever listened to this song voluntarily.) So these dipshits are allowed to partially control the music culture and we all pay, even though they don't. Sure, pop music has always skewed young but when you actually have to shell out your Christmas money, you're not gonna spend it on this backed-up septic tank of a song.

This guy knows he's shit, everyone who listens to this knows it's shit, but that's the point. Ha ha ha. Let's stick it to people with taste, they suck. Remember when kids' rebellion music was rock n roll, or at least good hip hop like Dr. Dre? They had to earn our money. And idiots like this Sheck person don't. This isn't a case of one generation not understanding the next. Nothing has changed; kids have always rebelled. And that's fine! Listen to your shitty song to your heart's content, kids, but I shouldn't have to. It's the system that's changed, and it's broken. So how do we fix it? Streaming isn't going anywhere, but how about only paid streams count? That should at least cut back on 12 year old boys having so much power.

To compare this with probably the shittiest equivalent from my time, "Ice Ice Baby" - yeah, that song sucks, but there's an obvious reason it was a hit. That sweet "Under Pressure" beat. Why you wouldn't just listen to "Under Pressure" I have no idea, but Vanilla Ice played us. That's the shame of my generation, but at least there's an identifiable appeal. The lone appeal of "Mo Bamba" seems to be to torture other people with it. That sums up 2018 better than anything else I could say.

So "Frinds," as horrible as you are, you are only the second-worst song I heard in 2018 by virtue of being an actual song. And lemme tell you, I hate that song more every time I hear it. Girl, you are way past the "friend zone" and into the Twilight Zone with this guy. UGH. No, I'm not going back there. I PROMISED MYSELF I WOULDN'T GO BACK.

And I have to reiterate, when I say these are the two worst songs I heard, I refuse to listen to the garbage made by any of the criminals that had hits this year. That I even have to say "any of the criminals" is insulting, scary, and sad. "Stop making terrible people famous" has become a rallying cry, and really, let's do that, shall we? And also, maybe put the violent criminals in prison where they belong? We can let out all the poor people in there for weed and other non-violent bs to make space for 'em. WIN/WIN.

POSITIVE music post coming next, and then 2019! Let's do better. That clean slate is so smooth and inviting, isn't it?

Okay, continuing on! Before I do, while this list is generally 80s/90s, it'll probably be mostly mid-80s-early 90s cause that's when I was really listening to pop music. In the early 80s I was listening to, you know, songs about how to go to the potty, so I apologize if I miss some cheese-tastic disco leftovers and whatnot. And sometime in the early 90s I went country, cause there were all these exciting new artists and pop seemed kind of stale. So yeah.

Also, before doing this I researched some "worst songs of the 80s" lists and I don't agree with most of them. "We Built this City," which was number one on at least one list, will not be on mine. I don't like it, but I don't find it that offensive. "The Final Countdown" will also not be on my list, because it is the very definition of awesomely bad. I could listen to that cheesy synthesizer riff all day. So mnyah. "Safety Dance" also falls into that category. I really like Sunglasses at Night, Come on Eileen, Karma Chameleon, Mickey, 99 Luftballoons, and a bunch of others I saw on there. I mean, that stuff IS the 80s. It's classic. My list is... the unclassics.

7. I Saw Him Standing There - Tiffany

Tiffany remakes the Beatles. What name doesn't belong there? Hint: it isn't The Beatles. To be fair, I loved I Think We're Alone Now back in the day. I still kinda like it. But this is just unnecessary.

6. Rump Shaker - Wreckx in Effect? (too lazy to check it)

I wanted to pick one song that perfectly captures the cheesy club music of the early 90s. This one is bad, and not awesomely bad like Baby Got Back or U Can't Touch This. Just stupid and a waste of space. Though I have to give them credit for what, at the time, seemed like the dumbest lyrics ever. At least they had the decency to say "all I wanna do is zooma zoom zoom and a boom boom." Today it would be "all I wanna do is f*ck you in the -" ok, you get the idea. Rump Shaker, not so horrible with a little perspective. But still bad.

5. Naughty Naughty - John Parr

This is so cheesetastic I almost hate to include it. But, damn. I can deal with Journey, I can deal with Styx, I can even almost deal with Foreigner. But this is just too mullety for me. It crossed some sort of mullet line there's no coming back from. This is direct-to-beer-commercial music. Also, the title gives me the uncomfortable feeling that John Parr wants to spank me.

4. Electric Youth - Debbie Gibson

I LOVED Debbie Gibson's first song, Only in My Dreams. I still think it's a good, catchy pop song. But... that was pretty much it. Next was Shake your Love, which was pretty much the only lyric in the song. Then some sappy ballads that should have stayed safely contained in her poetry journal. I bet it had unicorns on the cover. And then... whatever the hell electric youth is. It sounds like something that would be repeated over and over at some motivational seminar/cult meeting. The future is electric youth... you are the future... you are electric... buy my book... hail satan. And they're all wearing like, legwarmers and sweatbands. I'm not too thrilled with how the future turned out, but at least it wasn't Electric Youth. whew.

3. Love of a Lifetime - Firehouse

This song is why the words "power ballad" make my eyes twitch uncontrollably to this day. This crap was big in the late 80s/early 90s. Let's see, we had When I See You Smile by Bad English, High Enough by Damn Yankees, I think even Motley Crue did a power ballad. Yeah. But this one is the worst. Why? Because FIREHOUSE beat Nirvana at the grammys for best hard rock artist. That was the moment the grammys lost whatever legitimacy they had ever had, and really it was a win for Nirvana, because it made people see what a ridiculous celebration of mediocrity awards shows are. God, this song is AWFUL.

2. Girls Girls Girls - Motley Crue

Yup, a song named after the sign outside of strip clubs. This is a great idea, just drive around town all day looking at signs and you've got a whole album. I can't decide whether to call my next song "Milk - 3.49 gal." or "Everything Must Go!"

1. Okay, I hate myself for doing this, but it's a tie. I just CAN'T DECIDE.

Every Rose has its Thorn - Poison

Just like every night has its dawn. Just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song. Have you been reading my diary, Poison? It's like you're speaking right to my soul. I didn't think the band that brought us Talk Dirty to Me and I Want Action and Unskinny Bop (all of which could have also topped this list) was capable of such intimate self-reflection. I wonder what this newfound introspection will bring next? "A Bird in the Hand is Worth Two in the Bush." That is so true, Poison. We should appreciate what we have. Please, enlighten me further. "An Apple a Day Keeps the Doctor Away." Why, that's entertaining and informative! Do go on. Or... don't.

Yes, Poison, every rose does have its thorn. Just like every songwriter has a list of stupid cliches he turns to when he needs a fast hit to pay off his dealer. And oh yes, just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song. Of course. The only redeeming quality of this song is you can hear actual instruments being played on it. But that wasn't such a big deal back then.

I Want Your Sex - George Michael

A lot of people slam Wham!, but I never had a problem with them. Their music was an appropriate level of cheese for the time. It was harmless fun. Also like some of George Michael's solo work.

But then... look, I've already covered this topic a million times. I know you're trying to be provocative, and that's just it. You're trying too hard. It's not sexy. Feeling that you're entitled to sex is about the LEAST SEXY thing I can think of. Guess what, if you've been romancing some chick for a while and she doesn't seem interested, SHE DOESN'T WANT YOUR SEX. It's time to move on before she says I Want a Restraining Order.

Also, I want your sex? Since when is sex something you possess, like a clock radio? I want your toaster, baby. Yeah. I want your Barbie Dream House. Well fine, here, you can have my sex. Now go play with it in the other room and leave me alone.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Don Johnson - Heartbeat

This is one of the worst things I've ever heard, but I couldn't muster the energy to take it seriously as an actual song. It might as well be called "Herp Berp" by Don Johnson's White Sportcoat. I mean, those jackets were the real stars. That's gotta suck. He's even being upstaged by the light blue t-shirt.

Also from the "actors who inexplicably decided to sing" category:

Bruce Willis - Respect Yourself

He really should have taken his own advice.

Eddie Murphy - Party all the Time

This always sounded like "my girl wants to potty all the time," in which case, she needs VESICARE(tm)! Vesicare(tm), for all your bladder control needs.*

*Warning: may cause seizures, vomiting, stalking, chronic wedgies, the uncontrollable urge to punch clowns in the face, justin bieber (you don't think he was born, do you?), extreme golf, belly button-itis, deep feelings of personal inadequacy, mild genocide, renouncing your god and worshipping a small family of chipmunks, and/or death. But at least you won't have to potty all the time.

Rick Springfield

I wanted to put this guy on here somewhere just cause he looks like such a leather-vested douchebag, but alas, none of his songs were horrible enough. So this will have to do.

STUPIDEST TITLE: I've Never Been to Me

Um, what? A person isn't something you can go to like the Grand Canyon, let alone... yourself. Is this some kind of weird self-improvement slogan? A travel brochure? "This summer, come visit the lush tropical paradise of YOU!" This barely beat out "Get Out of my Dreams, Get into My Car," which, even if it sounds like a thinly veiled kidnapping threat, at least makes sense. sort of.

In conclusion! There has always been bad music, and there will always be bad music. But will there ever be good music again?

Here we go... the top 14 80s/90s-ish songs I wish I'd never thought of again, dammit.

14. Crush on You - the Jets

This song is just bland and generic and devoid of... anything. And that's what I said when I was ten. I don't know how I even remembered this song, it wasn't that big of a hit. I guess because it struck me as an 80s Call me Maybe. I have a crush on you, so call me maybe! A totally forgettable little pop song that says nothing new and changes no one's life. Except... apparently Call me Maybe is the Second Coming of bloody pop music, people are speaking in tongues and waiting for the freakin rapture. But it's not. It's the second coming of the Jets. It's the same warmed over crap. What's wrong with you people?

13. Rock me Amadeus - some German dude

I guess this is the... gangnam style of the 80s? This falls under the wtf category, but it isn't interesting, it's just bad. This confused me as a child, and I can't say time has brought any clarity to the matter.

12. Bad Boys - Miami Sound Machine

I liked a lot of their music. Conga was festive, the ballads were pretty, and I still glance behind myself every once in a while to make sure the rhythm isn't gonna get me. But this song, ugh. Bad, bad, bad, bad boys. You make me feel so good. Knew you would. You call me on the phone, it goes ring ring ring ring ring ring. Seriously, those are the lyrics. And the music isn't interesting enough to make up for it. This is a dumb, throwaway song I can't believe made the top 10.

11. I Wanna Sex You Up - Color Me Badd

Some early 90s crap, for a change. This song just always made me cringe, even when I was a teenager who was supposed to... swoon, I guess? over the prospect of 5 guys wearing purple leather jackets wanting to sex me up. Again. Sexiness is allure, it's mystery, it's flirtation, it's not slamming sex into your face with all the subtlety of a Mexican wrestler. EL SEXO!

And, color me badd? That sounds really... well, gay. "Tonight, we're going to paint the town BADD!" And he swishes his hair and jumps into his gaymobile. I dunno. All I know is, there is nothing right about this band or this song. They had a couple other totally forgettable hits, but this one stays with me. Like the still-smoldering cigarette your stalker leaves in the ashtray to let you know he's been there. Yeah... sexy.

EDITED TO CORRECT: It was only 4 guys. And only one of them wore a purple jacket. but still.

10. Cherry Pie - Warrant

I almost didn't put this on here, because it's so obviously bad and kind of campy and funny now. But I remember the OUTRAGE in my little teenaged heart the first time I saw that woman with pie on her crotch. WHY IS SHE LETTING HERSELF BE OBJECTIFIED LIKE THAT? DOESN'T SHE HAVE ANY SELF-RESPECT? But now we have Kesha, and the crotch-pie girl just looks... quaint. Yep, cherry pie has become the good old days of innocence. Weep for yourselves, people. But I still really hate it.

9. This One's for the Children - New Kids on the Block

I never hated NKotB, I was pretty neutral on them. As hard as I tried, I couldn't find anything really offensive about them. Until this song. Wow, what a saccharine sachet bag of cliches this thing is.

"Many people are happy
And many people are sad
Some people have many things
That others can only wish they had
So for the sake of the children
Show them love's the only way to go
'Cause they are tomorrow, and people, they've got to know"

Okay, you care about starving children in africa or wherever more than picking up acid-washed groupies at the mall. That's noble, I get that. But GAAAWD, couldn't you have have found a slightly less simplistic way to express it? It's like the world's most boring Dr. Suess book. Or a nursery rhyme. "This little piggy was happy, this little piggy was saaad." And your mom pulls the sad face. I mean, the ladies who write hallmark cards are going DAYUM, man, can't you find some fresh material? At least no one had ever said "Hangin Tough" before (and never would again). Unless this was written by Mrs. Dinglehoffer's 3rd grade class, it is not acceptable as an actual song.

8. Nobody's Fool - Cinderella

Dear GOD, that nails on the chalkboard voice. It sounds like a train trying to brake to avoid hitting a cow. SCREEEEEEE *gears grinding* SCREEEEEE SCREEEEEEEE mooooo - then silence. RIP cow. Your untimely demise helped make a Cinderella record, if that helps any. No, I didn't think so. When people think "bad hair bands" they think... well, Warrant maybe. Cinderella isn't even on the radar. But that screeching weasel voice has been haunting me for years, and maybe now I can finally let go.

WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM FOR AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE

My husband just got home. he was supposed to pick up a package for me at the post office. The package was physically THERE, but he couldn't pick it up, because the bloody computers were down. Why does that matter a flying turd? Well apparently, they have to enter the transaction into the computer. Umm...

You do know there's such a thing as PAPER, right? It's what we used to write stuff down on back in the pre-madison days (oh yeah, worked that one back in!) Have we twisted ourselves into such a technology-dependant pretzel that we no longer remember how pen and paper works? Or that they even exist? "What's this flat white stuff? Ooh, is this the new iPad? Cool! How do you turn it on?" Yes... Haydyn, or whatever names these fools have, it's called iPaper, and it's so revolutionary you don't even have to turn it on. "Whoa!" HAHSHDHJFHFJDHHFJSHEDDHBDJPP *head explodes*

songs continued next post. if I can put my brain back together