LIKE OH MAH GOD, THIS IS MAH SONG!!!
Just kidding, it sucks.
Oh, Jason Aldean, the most ridiculously uneven of all artists. How does one album contain both "1994" and "Night train?" How is that even possible? And now this, from the man whose bad songs are so incredibly bad, you forget most of his songs are actually decent.
From the very first note you can tell this is gonna be awful. This song encapsulates everything I was trying to say about produced-out-the-ass sounding music. Why, Jason, did you lose your band and make this Chef Boyardee crap? (Cause it's CANNED, get it? HHAHAHAHA*cough*HA.) Or maybe his band got sucked into a computer and he needs to go on a quest to rescue them! Isn't that the plot of some movie? If it isn't, it TOTALLY SHOULD BE.
So I have this image of Maggie Rose and say, Jason Aldean, having an awkward first date in his truck.
Her: I want to be the girl in your truck song.
Him: I want you to be the girl in my truck song. Hey, that would make a good song! *starts humming*
Her: I want to be the girl in the girl in your truck song. ... wait, what did I just say? *giggles* Doesn't matter, just put me in your song.
Him: *pulls guitar out from somewhere* I want you to be the girl in my girl in my truck song, come on baby won't you sing along... okay number one hit right here. Hang on baby, and grab me a beer will ya? *starts speed dialing all of Nashville*
Her: Cool baby, I wanna be the girl in the girl in the girl in your truck song. Sure I'll get you a beer. Aw, there's only one left.
Him: Thanks babe. *swigs* Hey, Dallas? I gotta song I wanna run by you. It's called "Girl in My Girl..." Oh, you already wrote it? You'll send it over tomorrow? Awesome man! *hangs up* Okay babe, where were we?
Her: I wanna be the girl in your... girl...
Him: Oh man, I just got another awesome song idea! hang on babe. This one's really outside the box.
Her: Hmm, maybe we should just make out.
Pretty soon all songs will be called Song About Girl in Your Truck Song, Song About Song About Girl in Your Truck Song Song, Songs About Songs About Trucks, or maybe just Songs About Songs. And don't forget Songs About Songs About Songs. That one really broke some new ground.
Enough with the song-dropping. Can we please just get back to actual songs???
Showing posts with label douchebagification. Show all posts
Showing posts with label douchebagification. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Oh, dear
Maybe I should stop reading blogs. I would have never known this existed on my own.
"Got a keg of beer and a bunch of girls" - REALLY? I've never heard of such a thing! BEER and GIRLS in a song? What will these crazy outlaws think of next?! I know, they should take the keg of beer and the girls and put em in - wait for it, this is genius - a TRUCK! Y'know, the big jacked up kind you can crank Nelly real loud out of? I mean, Hank Williams, obviously. So easy to get them confused. Anyway, this sure is a nice change from all those songs about warm milk and bible studies!
LOL... "Crank that country up loud" - I will, as soon as you turn down your shitty rock song!
Seriously, what is this atrocity?
The only thing I can definitively say is, it's not a country song. It could be pretty much anything else though. Is it a terrible rock song? Is it "Friday" with a guitar? Is it nuclear fallout set to music? Is it a rabies-infested raccoon stumbling around someone's tool shed? Poor raccoon. They should really put it out of its misery.
Okay, palate cleansing time. You know, I'd pretty much forgotten more good music from the 90s than I've even heard in the last 5 years. Here's one of those gems, from another artist I miss.
"Got a keg of beer and a bunch of girls" - REALLY? I've never heard of such a thing! BEER and GIRLS in a song? What will these crazy outlaws think of next?! I know, they should take the keg of beer and the girls and put em in - wait for it, this is genius - a TRUCK! Y'know, the big jacked up kind you can crank Nelly real loud out of? I mean, Hank Williams, obviously. So easy to get them confused. Anyway, this sure is a nice change from all those songs about warm milk and bible studies!
LOL... "Crank that country up loud" - I will, as soon as you turn down your shitty rock song!
Seriously, what is this atrocity?
The only thing I can definitively say is, it's not a country song. It could be pretty much anything else though. Is it a terrible rock song? Is it "Friday" with a guitar? Is it nuclear fallout set to music? Is it a rabies-infested raccoon stumbling around someone's tool shed? Poor raccoon. They should really put it out of its misery.
Okay, palate cleansing time. You know, I'd pretty much forgotten more good music from the 90s than I've even heard in the last 5 years. Here's one of those gems, from another artist I miss.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Music is powerful
Music is powerful. It's more powerful than charts or any of the other artifice that's been built up around it.
I've been enjoying listening to some newer music lately, but my heart keeps going back to my favorite 90s stuff. Why is that? Well, it's almost across the board better music, but it's much more than that. A big part of enjoying music comes from the memories it makes; you hear a certain song and it takes you back. Songs have even been written about the power of songs. Kenny Chesney's I Go Back and Eric Church's Springsteen are two good ones.
So why would I want to return to the 90s, which was an absolutely terrible time for me personally? One of the reasons I still like 80s pop music is it takes me back to being a kid. Great memories. (I also like the fun, catchy music. Pop before it become one long electronic drone.) So why 90s? I've come to the conclusion that the music is so good, so powerful, that it in itself has become the memory. Hearing those songs doesn't take me back to the loneliness, the heartbreak, the complete shittiness of being a teenage girl and young woman in her 20s. The songs themselves supercede that, even cleanse it. All I hear is the music. All I remember is driving around listening to it. I might as well have not had a care in the world.
I remember how the music saved me, and still does.
This is why good, non-disposable music is so damn important.
There was a "sound" in country music, from the late 80s into about the early 2000s. I call it 90s country because pretty much the whole decade was like this (though less so in the later years). The best way to describe this sound is "warm." Warm vocals, warm songwriting, the warmth and genuine feeling that can only come from real musicians playing real instruments. I'm choosing these two songs not to go out of my way to prove my point; I looked at my list of hundreds of 90s songs and just let two pop out at me. My point being, it was very easy to find two songs that embody that warmth and feeling from back then, because almost every song had it. From the top artists, to the middle stars like Mark Chesnutt (who should have been bigger), down to those who had only a few hits. This was the sound.
So for everyone who thinks it's no big deal what "country" sounds like now, or who even thinks it's rightly "evolving," here are two songs that I feel embody today's soulless, ugly sound. I didn't pick something off the rails like "Donkey," I didn't need to. It's just as easy finding the bad now as it was finding the good back then. And THAT'S what I'm trying to contrast here. Not song vs song, but sound vs sound. This is too big to just sweep under the rug and not fight for.
The first one is useless garbage with a shamelessly catchy chorus. The second one is secondrate rock music, like something a Bon Jovi cover band would write in their off time. And these are, respectively, the number one and number five songs on Billboard right now. And they're very indicative of the sound of the past five or so years.
So who wants to tell me we don't have a serious problem here? And yes, I do take music damn seriously. Music is the closest thing we have to heaven. Music has the power to temporarily transport us out of our minds, out of our troubles, and into another state. Do you really want that state to be:
"Yeah holla at your boy if you need a ride
If you roll with me yeah you know we rollin' high
Up on them 37 Nittos, windows tinted hard to see though
How fresh my baby is in the shotgun seat oh
Them kisses are for me though, automatic like a free throw
This life I live it might not be for you but it's for me though
Let's roll!"
Jesus. I think my computer just got dumber from copying and pasting that.
It's important to note there's still good music on the radio. Chris Young, Randy Houser, Easton Corbin, Eli Young Band, and Dierks Bentley all have that warm sound on most of their songs. (I really hope they keep it up, cause there was a time when I thought Blake Shelton would help carry on this tradition. Har.) Miranda Lambert and Zac Brown Band don't have a 90s sound but make consistently good music with their own sound, which is awesome. Kacey Musgraves reminds me of 70s country, especially on her new song, but she has her own sound too. These are all good things. But the sad fact is these artists are the exceptions, not the rule. And that's why this era of music will never be one I go back to over and over for solace. I'll pack up the handful of songs I love with me, and run like hell.
I've been enjoying listening to some newer music lately, but my heart keeps going back to my favorite 90s stuff. Why is that? Well, it's almost across the board better music, but it's much more than that. A big part of enjoying music comes from the memories it makes; you hear a certain song and it takes you back. Songs have even been written about the power of songs. Kenny Chesney's I Go Back and Eric Church's Springsteen are two good ones.
So why would I want to return to the 90s, which was an absolutely terrible time for me personally? One of the reasons I still like 80s pop music is it takes me back to being a kid. Great memories. (I also like the fun, catchy music. Pop before it become one long electronic drone.) So why 90s? I've come to the conclusion that the music is so good, so powerful, that it in itself has become the memory. Hearing those songs doesn't take me back to the loneliness, the heartbreak, the complete shittiness of being a teenage girl and young woman in her 20s. The songs themselves supercede that, even cleanse it. All I hear is the music. All I remember is driving around listening to it. I might as well have not had a care in the world.
I remember how the music saved me, and still does.
This is why good, non-disposable music is so damn important.
There was a "sound" in country music, from the late 80s into about the early 2000s. I call it 90s country because pretty much the whole decade was like this (though less so in the later years). The best way to describe this sound is "warm." Warm vocals, warm songwriting, the warmth and genuine feeling that can only come from real musicians playing real instruments. I'm choosing these two songs not to go out of my way to prove my point; I looked at my list of hundreds of 90s songs and just let two pop out at me. My point being, it was very easy to find two songs that embody that warmth and feeling from back then, because almost every song had it. From the top artists, to the middle stars like Mark Chesnutt (who should have been bigger), down to those who had only a few hits. This was the sound.
So for everyone who thinks it's no big deal what "country" sounds like now, or who even thinks it's rightly "evolving," here are two songs that I feel embody today's soulless, ugly sound. I didn't pick something off the rails like "Donkey," I didn't need to. It's just as easy finding the bad now as it was finding the good back then. And THAT'S what I'm trying to contrast here. Not song vs song, but sound vs sound. This is too big to just sweep under the rug and not fight for.
The first one is useless garbage with a shamelessly catchy chorus. The second one is secondrate rock music, like something a Bon Jovi cover band would write in their off time. And these are, respectively, the number one and number five songs on Billboard right now. And they're very indicative of the sound of the past five or so years.
So who wants to tell me we don't have a serious problem here? And yes, I do take music damn seriously. Music is the closest thing we have to heaven. Music has the power to temporarily transport us out of our minds, out of our troubles, and into another state. Do you really want that state to be:
"Yeah holla at your boy if you need a ride
If you roll with me yeah you know we rollin' high
Up on them 37 Nittos, windows tinted hard to see though
How fresh my baby is in the shotgun seat oh
Them kisses are for me though, automatic like a free throw
This life I live it might not be for you but it's for me though
Let's roll!"
Jesus. I think my computer just got dumber from copying and pasting that.
It's important to note there's still good music on the radio. Chris Young, Randy Houser, Easton Corbin, Eli Young Band, and Dierks Bentley all have that warm sound on most of their songs. (I really hope they keep it up, cause there was a time when I thought Blake Shelton would help carry on this tradition. Har.) Miranda Lambert and Zac Brown Band don't have a 90s sound but make consistently good music with their own sound, which is awesome. Kacey Musgraves reminds me of 70s country, especially on her new song, but she has her own sound too. These are all good things. But the sad fact is these artists are the exceptions, not the rule. And that's why this era of music will never be one I go back to over and over for solace. I'll pack up the handful of songs I love with me, and run like hell.
Friday, June 06, 2014
So I've given myself the task of writing a song called "Asshole in a Truck." It will be loosely based on all the "jacked up truck" country songs, but mostly my impressions of young, pickup drivin' males here in Edmonton. Y'know, the kind who've never hauled anything in their truck bed except the "dates" they keep bound and gagged and have license plates reading "badazz?" Maybe some charming artwork on the back depicting flames or skulls or, I dunno, ACTUAL WOMEN WHO HAVE BEEN BOUND AND GAGGED?
This is a real thing, folks. And there was more than one image like this, I had to PICK one. It's official, reality has become worse than my snark. I give up.
I'm still writing that song, though. I'll probably leave that part out of it.
This is a real thing, folks. And there was more than one image like this, I had to PICK one. It's official, reality has become worse than my snark. I give up.
I'm still writing that song, though. I'll probably leave that part out of it.
Tuesday, June 03, 2014
Country love songs back in my day:
"Adalida, pretty little cajun queen.
Sweet dixie flower, the belle of the bayou-
You're every young man's dream.
Adalida, I'd walk through a hurricane
To stand beside you sweet Adalida I'd swim the Pontchartrain."
"And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance."
Now:
"Get in my truck."
Or, if he's feelin' romantic: "Get in my truck, girl."
And pain? What is this "pain" you speak of? Frat boys don't feel pain bro, we just drink another brew and get another tat! Pain is for wussies who wear shirts, amirite bro?
"Adalida, pretty little cajun queen.
Sweet dixie flower, the belle of the bayou-
You're every young man's dream.
Adalida, I'd walk through a hurricane
To stand beside you sweet Adalida I'd swim the Pontchartrain."
"And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance."
Now:
"Get in my truck."
Or, if he's feelin' romantic: "Get in my truck, girl."
And pain? What is this "pain" you speak of? Frat boys don't feel pain bro, we just drink another brew and get another tat! Pain is for wussies who wear shirts, amirite bro?
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Why do I listen to anything, ever? Why do I read anything, ever? Why do I turn on my comp... wait, why do I even get out of bed at all??
I HATE THIS GUY. Goddammit country music. This guy needs to be bucked off the damn bronco for good. But he won't be as long as people are stupid and he keeps making money. Goddammit. This is why money is the root of all evil. Well, maybe people will surprise me and it won't be a hit, and he'll ride off into Mexico on his goddamn donkey. WHERE HE'LL GET SHOT 47 TIMES BY A DRUG CARTEL. (Miraculously, the donkey will survive and run happy and free in the countryside.)
A girl can dream.
I HATE THIS GUY. Goddammit country music. This guy needs to be bucked off the damn bronco for good. But he won't be as long as people are stupid and he keeps making money. Goddammit. This is why money is the root of all evil. Well, maybe people will surprise me and it won't be a hit, and he'll ride off into Mexico on his goddamn donkey. WHERE HE'LL GET SHOT 47 TIMES BY A DRUG CARTEL. (Miraculously, the donkey will survive and run happy and free in the countryside.)
A girl can dream.
Friday, February 21, 2014
See, what I've always liked about country music is, well, how likable most of it was. It was personable and relatable, and so were most of its artists. These weren't your airbrushed Britney Spears kind of stars.
I freaking love Joe Diffie. He looks like Zap Rowsdower, for pete's sake.
I wonder if there's beer on the sun?
In the wake of "1994," I've seen people slam Joe Diffie for no good reason. Not just his latest bomb, but his earlier music too. All I can say is, are you focusing so hard on the mullet and mustache you're not hearing the actual music? Cause I've heard as much country music as just about anyone, except maybe... Jesus, and Joe sounds pretty sweet to my ears. He deserved better.
Anyway. While I don't find rap inherently unlikable, it does kinda buzzkill the whole "down home" vibe I liked about country in the first place. And I don't mean yelling a bunch of random "country" words like you're playing a game of Outburst. Listen to "Forever and Ever, Amen" by Randy Travis or "Dixieland Delight" by Alabama or "Livin on Love" by Alan Jackson if you want a feel for what I'm talking about.
And I like a good country "attitude" song if it's done right - "Friends in Low Places" being the obvious standard. Tracy Byrd's "Lifestyles of the Not So Rich and Famous" (an RC cola and a moon pie!), Miranda Lambert's "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend," and Confederate Railroad's "Trashy Women" are other examples of some good ol' country tude. Somehow, I also dig that "cocktail waitress in a Dolly Parton wig" and I get what he sees in her. That's genuine.
These current songs just sound harsh and aggressive. All attitude, and no substance to back it up. "Chew tobacco, chew tobacco, chew tobacco SPIT." Okay... why are you spitting in my general direction? This isn't something I wanna hear about. You might as well be saying "piss in the toilet, in the toilet, in the toilet, PISS." At least, I hope it's in the toilet. You know I wouldn't be surprised if for all its modernization, country music writers want us to believe they still use outhouses.
And that's just it. Where country charm used to live, country caricatures have moved in. There's always been some of that, but there's very little real sentiment left for farms and dirt roads and first loves and broken hearts in the age of autotune, so empty stereotypes of these things have become the new normal. And you can tell the difference. The less authentic it feels, the louder it gets. They've scraped away the friendly, homespun sensibilities and reduced it to base, redneck ugliness; the sweaty underbelly I thought we were trying to get away from. And everything that was likable about country music gets lost in this stew of spittle and piss and autotune. They got one thing right, these songs are the musical equivalent of a soggy wad of chaw splatted aross someone's nice clean rug.
Also? Chewing tobacco does this to your face.
Jesus Christ, don't do that.
While I don't hate rap as a style, I do hate most of rap's sensibilites (or lack thereof). Thrift Shop works because it's the complete opposite of all the old rap standards, and they're so happy and pumped about it it's infectious. Maybe country has a thrift shop-style rap in it somewhere, if they keep it genuine and not too damn hokum. Jesus, the entire catalogue of Hee Haw has more subtlety than most of these songs. There's just nothing at all redeeming about "Boys Round Here" or "My Kind of Night" or "1994." They don't work as country, they don't work as rap, they don't even work as toilet paper. Just useless.
Please, can we have Randy Travis back? Oh wait, I think he's in jail. Joe Dif - no, that's a horrible idea, forget I said anything. Patty Loveless maybe? I do think there'll be plenty of backlash against this crap, but will record companies allow us to hear any of it? Apparently all that makes money is crap, which is a self-fulfilling prophecy really, if all you put out is crap, so why release anything that takes actual effort? *sigh* We've got a long hard slog ahead of us, country music. It's time to get lost and get right with our souls, to quote the one modern "back road" anthem I actually like. Maybe then we can find our way home.
I freaking love Joe Diffie. He looks like Zap Rowsdower, for pete's sake.
I wonder if there's beer on the sun?
In the wake of "1994," I've seen people slam Joe Diffie for no good reason. Not just his latest bomb, but his earlier music too. All I can say is, are you focusing so hard on the mullet and mustache you're not hearing the actual music? Cause I've heard as much country music as just about anyone, except maybe... Jesus, and Joe sounds pretty sweet to my ears. He deserved better.
Anyway. While I don't find rap inherently unlikable, it does kinda buzzkill the whole "down home" vibe I liked about country in the first place. And I don't mean yelling a bunch of random "country" words like you're playing a game of Outburst. Listen to "Forever and Ever, Amen" by Randy Travis or "Dixieland Delight" by Alabama or "Livin on Love" by Alan Jackson if you want a feel for what I'm talking about.
And I like a good country "attitude" song if it's done right - "Friends in Low Places" being the obvious standard. Tracy Byrd's "Lifestyles of the Not So Rich and Famous" (an RC cola and a moon pie!), Miranda Lambert's "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend," and Confederate Railroad's "Trashy Women" are other examples of some good ol' country tude. Somehow, I also dig that "cocktail waitress in a Dolly Parton wig" and I get what he sees in her. That's genuine.
These current songs just sound harsh and aggressive. All attitude, and no substance to back it up. "Chew tobacco, chew tobacco, chew tobacco SPIT." Okay... why are you spitting in my general direction? This isn't something I wanna hear about. You might as well be saying "piss in the toilet, in the toilet, in the toilet, PISS." At least, I hope it's in the toilet. You know I wouldn't be surprised if for all its modernization, country music writers want us to believe they still use outhouses.
And that's just it. Where country charm used to live, country caricatures have moved in. There's always been some of that, but there's very little real sentiment left for farms and dirt roads and first loves and broken hearts in the age of autotune, so empty stereotypes of these things have become the new normal. And you can tell the difference. The less authentic it feels, the louder it gets. They've scraped away the friendly, homespun sensibilities and reduced it to base, redneck ugliness; the sweaty underbelly I thought we were trying to get away from. And everything that was likable about country music gets lost in this stew of spittle and piss and autotune. They got one thing right, these songs are the musical equivalent of a soggy wad of chaw splatted aross someone's nice clean rug.
Also? Chewing tobacco does this to your face.
Jesus Christ, don't do that.
While I don't hate rap as a style, I do hate most of rap's sensibilites (or lack thereof). Thrift Shop works because it's the complete opposite of all the old rap standards, and they're so happy and pumped about it it's infectious. Maybe country has a thrift shop-style rap in it somewhere, if they keep it genuine and not too damn hokum. Jesus, the entire catalogue of Hee Haw has more subtlety than most of these songs. There's just nothing at all redeeming about "Boys Round Here" or "My Kind of Night" or "1994." They don't work as country, they don't work as rap, they don't even work as toilet paper. Just useless.
Please, can we have Randy Travis back? Oh wait, I think he's in jail. Joe Dif - no, that's a horrible idea, forget I said anything. Patty Loveless maybe? I do think there'll be plenty of backlash against this crap, but will record companies allow us to hear any of it? Apparently all that makes money is crap, which is a self-fulfilling prophecy really, if all you put out is crap, so why release anything that takes actual effort? *sigh* We've got a long hard slog ahead of us, country music. It's time to get lost and get right with our souls, to quote the one modern "back road" anthem I actually like. Maybe then we can find our way home.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
I'm not sure how to feel about this.
On a whim, I looked at the Billboard top 100 hit songs of 2013. I kinda wanted to see where that Fox song ended up (#70something hee! - that would be even funnier if it hadn't beat out one of my favorite songs EVER which was stuck at #89. but whatever). And anyway, 3 of the top 5 songs... I like.
I. LIKE. Them.
WTF UNIVERSE?? IT'S LIKE I'M IN THE MATRIX, IF I HAD UNDERSTOOD THAT MOVIE AT ALL AND ACTUALLY KNEW WHAT THAT MEANT.
Now, the other two songs make me want to dunk my head in a vat of bleach, but... this is progress, right? Okay, here are the top 5 songs. Maybe you can figure out which ones I like, and which ones make me want to burn my face off. Let's go!
1
THRIFT SHOP
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis Featuring Wanz
2
BLURRED LINES
Robin Thicke Featuring T.I. + Pharrell
3
RADIOACTIVE
Imagine Dragons
4
HARLEM SHAKE
Baauer
5
CAN'T HOLD US
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis Featuring Ray Dalton
Yeah, I like Macklemore and Imagine Dragons. That probably wasn't too hard. For the record, I like the music and background "woo" on Blurred Lines but the actual song and the video make me want to SCRUB AND KEEP SCRUBBING. CAN... NEVER... GET... CLEAN. And Harlem Shake is a freaking squirrel fart, why is this even on my radar. Jesus.
The rest of the list is mostly stuff I hate (two miley cyrus masterpieces in a row) or stuff I haven't heard of and probably would hate. But Imagine Dragons have two more songs on there, which just blows my mind. I can't understand how the same people who listen to that can in good conscience put Miley Cyrus and Katy Perry on the charts. Or maybe it's totally different people. Whatever. The point is, an actual band who sing and play instruments had 3 hits in a year, so I'm calling this a win for the good guys.
I don't even have to comment on Thrift Shop. Just go listen to Thrift Shop, and smile.
Also, Bruno Mars is on the list. He was kind of on my radar before the super bowl cause he wrote and sang a couple songs I like. Yeah, I italicized that shit because this man is an actual singer-songwriter who also plays a variety of musical instruments. And he sounds kickass live and seems to genuinely enjoy every aspect of music and the performing thereof. And while this kind of thing used to be a staple of the music world, these days it makes you a freakin virtuoso. So hats off to you, Bruno Mars. You're pretty decent.
I never (ever ever) thought Taylor Swift would be in my "hated" music category but God, I can't stand either of her two songs on there. They're pop songs, not country, which is fine; I actually like pop music when it's done well. I don't hate her music now cause she's "gone pop," I hate it cause she's gone bad pop. But I didn't like much of the country music that came out last year either, so yeah. It seems a lot of last year's country fell under the "trucker hat of music" category.
Apparently this "Cruise" thing was the biggest country hit ever and... yeah, I don't like it. I don't really hate it, if someone told me this had gone to like #10 on the country chart I'd be like, "Yeah, okay." But biggest country hit ever? It's just too damn slick. And I don't think country music is supposed to be slick. The hip hop remix doesn't sound much different than the original to me, and that's the problem. Hip hop isn't my favorite genre mostly because of the very produced sound it has. I don't want my country music to sound produced, I want it to sound... hatched. Like a baby chick. Okay, that's a horrible analogy, but as far as farm analogies go at least it's better than "slopped like a pig" or "ridden like a horse." Actually wait, that second one isn't so bad. I want my country music to sound as if it was composed ON HORSEBACK.
Okay, glad I worked that one out. Now I'm just gonna pretend the biggest country hit ever is still "Friends in Low Places" or "Don't Rock the Jukebox" or whatever awesome song these doucheknockers replaced.*
Jesus. Is that Nickelback, or something? I couldn't even find one photo of these guys wearing a cowboy hat. And I looked. Well, better than "all hat and no cattle" I guess, but... yecch. RIP country music. Well, except for that kickass Miranda Lambert song at #89. Um... keep hanging on life support, country music?
*It was Need You Now by Lady Antebellum. Still a pretty decent song. Which I guess beat out Love Story by Taylor Swift... meh. Okay, apparently country music has been on a downswing for a while now. And those are just digital downloads, I guess, so who knows what happened to the music that came out before digital downloads. I'm a simple caveman, your world frightens and confuses me. Well it SHOULD be Friends in Low Places, so I'm just gonna stick my fingers in my ears and go la la la and... no, I'm gonna go LISTEN to Friends in Low Places. Then I'm gonna have a beer and listen to, I dunno, The Thunder Rolls. Then I'm gonna cry and have another beer and listen to another song til I pass out cause COUNTRY MUSIC IS NOT HAPPY FUN DRINKING MUSIC GODDAMMIT, IT'S NOT PARTY FREAKING ROCK ANTHEM, IT'S SAD DRINKING MUSIC THAT SOMEHOW MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER, OR AT LEAST DRUNKER! ENOUGH WITH THE PARTY IN MY TRUCK SONGS, AND BACK TO TEAR IN MY BEER!
Country music only needed two truck songs, and they are Pickup Man by Joe Diffie* and That Ain't My Truck by Rhett Akins. Lock up the studio, we're done here.
*Someone actually considered Pickup Man to be the start of all the stupid country "truck" songs and... no. "You can set my truck on fire and roll it down a hill, and I still wouldn't trade it for a coupe de ville!" is about a million times more fun and clever than all the dumb cliches they're throwing around now. Also, country music needed at least one truck song. It's country music, for pete's sake. And this is a darn good representative. We just didn't need, you know, 17 of them, and each more vapid than the last.
By virtue of hindsight, I'm also gonna allow one of Luke Bryan's early hits, We Rode in Trucks. For one thing it came out in 2007, so this was actually kind of a fresh concept then. I'm not gonna blame this song for all the trucking garbage that came after it. And while it is about yep, trucks, it's also a metaphor for growing up in the country and feeling nostalgic for it. Maybe a bit simplistic, but it's deeper and more relatable than its watered-down spawn which is basically just I LOVE MAH TRUCK. and women. not necessarily in that order. I have no qualms about deep-fried country sentiment if it feels somewhat genuine. Which this does.
So anyway. I actually liked more of the pop songs on that list than the country songs, which frightens me to the very core of my soul. Overall, it was kinda mediocre, kinda sickening, a few bright spots, about what you'd expect out of a top 100 songs of the year list. But... those 3 out of 5 songs I like. Why doesn't this make me feel better??? I want to like music, right? And yet... I feel strangely empty inside. Quick, bring me something awful to hate on! There must be something... where'd Cher Lloyd go? Hasn't she followed up her brilliant reworking of My Darling Clementine with a rap remix of Three Blind Mice yet? C'mon, there must be something!
I'll be waiting...
In the meantime, while I was trying to hunt down the actual all-time biggest country hit, I stumbled across this. It's brilliant. Read it. The part about the aforementioned Mr. Diffie makes me sad, though. He's one of my country heroes, dammit! I saw him in concert! Well at least he made some money last year, I guess. *sigh* And... oh God, I also saw Montgomery Gentry in concert. Back in the day when they had a song called "Daddy Won't Sell the Farm" and I was all, "Hell yeah, don't sell that farm!" and now... I'm just gonna go over there. I can't be here anymore.
http://www.savingcountrymusic.com/tag/cruise
On a whim, I looked at the Billboard top 100 hit songs of 2013. I kinda wanted to see where that Fox song ended up (#70something hee! - that would be even funnier if it hadn't beat out one of my favorite songs EVER which was stuck at #89. but whatever). And anyway, 3 of the top 5 songs... I like.
I. LIKE. Them.
WTF UNIVERSE?? IT'S LIKE I'M IN THE MATRIX, IF I HAD UNDERSTOOD THAT MOVIE AT ALL AND ACTUALLY KNEW WHAT THAT MEANT.
Now, the other two songs make me want to dunk my head in a vat of bleach, but... this is progress, right? Okay, here are the top 5 songs. Maybe you can figure out which ones I like, and which ones make me want to burn my face off. Let's go!
1
THRIFT SHOP
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis Featuring Wanz
2
BLURRED LINES
Robin Thicke Featuring T.I. + Pharrell
3
RADIOACTIVE
Imagine Dragons
4
HARLEM SHAKE
Baauer
5
CAN'T HOLD US
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis Featuring Ray Dalton
Yeah, I like Macklemore and Imagine Dragons. That probably wasn't too hard. For the record, I like the music and background "woo" on Blurred Lines but the actual song and the video make me want to SCRUB AND KEEP SCRUBBING. CAN... NEVER... GET... CLEAN. And Harlem Shake is a freaking squirrel fart, why is this even on my radar. Jesus.
The rest of the list is mostly stuff I hate (two miley cyrus masterpieces in a row) or stuff I haven't heard of and probably would hate. But Imagine Dragons have two more songs on there, which just blows my mind. I can't understand how the same people who listen to that can in good conscience put Miley Cyrus and Katy Perry on the charts. Or maybe it's totally different people. Whatever. The point is, an actual band who sing and play instruments had 3 hits in a year, so I'm calling this a win for the good guys.
I don't even have to comment on Thrift Shop. Just go listen to Thrift Shop, and smile.
Also, Bruno Mars is on the list. He was kind of on my radar before the super bowl cause he wrote and sang a couple songs I like. Yeah, I italicized that shit because this man is an actual singer-songwriter who also plays a variety of musical instruments. And he sounds kickass live and seems to genuinely enjoy every aspect of music and the performing thereof. And while this kind of thing used to be a staple of the music world, these days it makes you a freakin virtuoso. So hats off to you, Bruno Mars. You're pretty decent.
I never (ever ever) thought Taylor Swift would be in my "hated" music category but God, I can't stand either of her two songs on there. They're pop songs, not country, which is fine; I actually like pop music when it's done well. I don't hate her music now cause she's "gone pop," I hate it cause she's gone bad pop. But I didn't like much of the country music that came out last year either, so yeah. It seems a lot of last year's country fell under the "trucker hat of music" category.
Apparently this "Cruise" thing was the biggest country hit ever and... yeah, I don't like it. I don't really hate it, if someone told me this had gone to like #10 on the country chart I'd be like, "Yeah, okay." But biggest country hit ever? It's just too damn slick. And I don't think country music is supposed to be slick. The hip hop remix doesn't sound much different than the original to me, and that's the problem. Hip hop isn't my favorite genre mostly because of the very produced sound it has. I don't want my country music to sound produced, I want it to sound... hatched. Like a baby chick. Okay, that's a horrible analogy, but as far as farm analogies go at least it's better than "slopped like a pig" or "ridden like a horse." Actually wait, that second one isn't so bad. I want my country music to sound as if it was composed ON HORSEBACK.
Okay, glad I worked that one out. Now I'm just gonna pretend the biggest country hit ever is still "Friends in Low Places" or "Don't Rock the Jukebox" or whatever awesome song these doucheknockers replaced.*
Jesus. Is that Nickelback, or something? I couldn't even find one photo of these guys wearing a cowboy hat. And I looked. Well, better than "all hat and no cattle" I guess, but... yecch. RIP country music. Well, except for that kickass Miranda Lambert song at #89. Um... keep hanging on life support, country music?
*It was Need You Now by Lady Antebellum. Still a pretty decent song. Which I guess beat out Love Story by Taylor Swift... meh. Okay, apparently country music has been on a downswing for a while now. And those are just digital downloads, I guess, so who knows what happened to the music that came out before digital downloads. I'm a simple caveman, your world frightens and confuses me. Well it SHOULD be Friends in Low Places, so I'm just gonna stick my fingers in my ears and go la la la and... no, I'm gonna go LISTEN to Friends in Low Places. Then I'm gonna have a beer and listen to, I dunno, The Thunder Rolls. Then I'm gonna cry and have another beer and listen to another song til I pass out cause COUNTRY MUSIC IS NOT HAPPY FUN DRINKING MUSIC GODDAMMIT, IT'S NOT PARTY FREAKING ROCK ANTHEM, IT'S SAD DRINKING MUSIC THAT SOMEHOW MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER, OR AT LEAST DRUNKER! ENOUGH WITH THE PARTY IN MY TRUCK SONGS, AND BACK TO TEAR IN MY BEER!
Country music only needed two truck songs, and they are Pickup Man by Joe Diffie* and That Ain't My Truck by Rhett Akins. Lock up the studio, we're done here.
*Someone actually considered Pickup Man to be the start of all the stupid country "truck" songs and... no. "You can set my truck on fire and roll it down a hill, and I still wouldn't trade it for a coupe de ville!" is about a million times more fun and clever than all the dumb cliches they're throwing around now. Also, country music needed at least one truck song. It's country music, for pete's sake. And this is a darn good representative. We just didn't need, you know, 17 of them, and each more vapid than the last.
By virtue of hindsight, I'm also gonna allow one of Luke Bryan's early hits, We Rode in Trucks. For one thing it came out in 2007, so this was actually kind of a fresh concept then. I'm not gonna blame this song for all the trucking garbage that came after it. And while it is about yep, trucks, it's also a metaphor for growing up in the country and feeling nostalgic for it. Maybe a bit simplistic, but it's deeper and more relatable than its watered-down spawn which is basically just I LOVE MAH TRUCK. and women. not necessarily in that order. I have no qualms about deep-fried country sentiment if it feels somewhat genuine. Which this does.
So anyway. I actually liked more of the pop songs on that list than the country songs, which frightens me to the very core of my soul. Overall, it was kinda mediocre, kinda sickening, a few bright spots, about what you'd expect out of a top 100 songs of the year list. But... those 3 out of 5 songs I like. Why doesn't this make me feel better??? I want to like music, right? And yet... I feel strangely empty inside. Quick, bring me something awful to hate on! There must be something... where'd Cher Lloyd go? Hasn't she followed up her brilliant reworking of My Darling Clementine with a rap remix of Three Blind Mice yet? C'mon, there must be something!
I'll be waiting...
In the meantime, while I was trying to hunt down the actual all-time biggest country hit, I stumbled across this. It's brilliant. Read it. The part about the aforementioned Mr. Diffie makes me sad, though. He's one of my country heroes, dammit! I saw him in concert! Well at least he made some money last year, I guess. *sigh* And... oh God, I also saw Montgomery Gentry in concert. Back in the day when they had a song called "Daddy Won't Sell the Farm" and I was all, "Hell yeah, don't sell that farm!" and now... I'm just gonna go over there. I can't be here anymore.
http://www.savingcountrymusic.com/tag/cruise
Sunday, September 18, 2011
I didn't think any man had referred to his spouse as "the wife" since about 1965. Apparently I was wrong. Ah T&T, it's like a little time capsule living among us. I almost find it charming, but that's probably because I hate pretty much everything about this fast-paced lookatme texting facebooking* uncaring about actual flesh and blood humans world. It also reminds me of The Starfighters MST ("I'm going home to The Wife." "We're going the have The Sex!") which is pure awesomeness. I don't really want to be called "the wife," though, so some good progress has been made. *nod*
*A particularly obnoxious side effect of this is making things into verbs that are not verbs. "I'll text you later!" "I'll facebook you!" My response: a very appropriate verb starting with "f", followed by "you." At exactly what point did people lose the ability to recognize they're being douchebags? We used to have a douchebag filter; everyone knew who the douchebags were and the douchebags didn't care, because they're douchebags. See:
Consider your future carefully, America. One of these things is enough.
But now the douchebags are everybody, or at least the majority of everybody. It all happened so fast, this douchebagification, we hardly knew what hit us. Our only hope is that humans' natural trigger that lets them know they're being douchebags will eventually kick in, and they'll go "Omigod what was I thinking! I'm so embarrassed!" And thus will "I'll text you" go the way of Hammer pants. But when I look at teenagers, I kinda lose hope. :/ I also kinda miss Hammer pants.
Thinking about teenagers makes me think about skinny jeans, which could pretty much be called douchebag jeans, and how much I loathe them and everyone who wears them. Teenage girls in skinny jeans always have myspace hair and perma-bitchface and walk like they're saying "get the fuck outta my way, I'm wearing skinny jeans and you're not." Teenage boys in skinny jeans... well, if a boy wants to experiment with different things he should be able to. Free to be you and me and all that. But guys in skinny jeans? DOUCHEBAGS. ACROSS THE BOARD. Gay, straight, bi, it doesn't matter. THEY ARE COOLER THAN YOU, AND THEY NEED YOU TO BE AWARE OF THAT FACT AT ALL TIMES.
My impression of every teenager today: skinny jeans, too-tight t-shirt with something "you've probably never heard of" on it, myspace hair (which should have died along with myspace), a piercing located somewhere on their face to prove they're unique, just like everybody else, a perma-snooty look or smirk, and a text-message thingy that you would have to PHYSICALLY AMPUTATE FROM THEIR HAND. They text their friend who is sitting right next to them because duh, that's so much cooler than talking to them. They are known to burst into loud laughter that clearly signifies they are in on the joke, and you are not. They travel in packs. They hate you. They hate your cousin, and they hate your grandma. And they're gonna breed and make little versions of themselves that are gonna get progressively worse. I'm gonna stop now before I get hopelessly depressed and decide I want to homeschool my children, or possibly shrink wrap them.
Hello! My name is Douchebag McGee.
Hi. Your hair and very existence fill me with possibly irrational rage. :(
Yours too. Unless you are the same person. I can't really tell. Also? I hope your face gets stuck in that retarded myspace pose FOREVER. Also? I hope you get eaten by wolverines.
(If you ever want to hate the world for a while, try googling "myspace hair and skinny jeans." Oy. :/)
*A particularly obnoxious side effect of this is making things into verbs that are not verbs. "I'll text you later!" "I'll facebook you!" My response: a very appropriate verb starting with "f", followed by "you." At exactly what point did people lose the ability to recognize they're being douchebags? We used to have a douchebag filter; everyone knew who the douchebags were and the douchebags didn't care, because they're douchebags. See:
Consider your future carefully, America. One of these things is enough.
But now the douchebags are everybody, or at least the majority of everybody. It all happened so fast, this douchebagification, we hardly knew what hit us. Our only hope is that humans' natural trigger that lets them know they're being douchebags will eventually kick in, and they'll go "Omigod what was I thinking! I'm so embarrassed!" And thus will "I'll text you" go the way of Hammer pants. But when I look at teenagers, I kinda lose hope. :/ I also kinda miss Hammer pants.
Thinking about teenagers makes me think about skinny jeans, which could pretty much be called douchebag jeans, and how much I loathe them and everyone who wears them. Teenage girls in skinny jeans always have myspace hair and perma-bitchface and walk like they're saying "get the fuck outta my way, I'm wearing skinny jeans and you're not." Teenage boys in skinny jeans... well, if a boy wants to experiment with different things he should be able to. Free to be you and me and all that. But guys in skinny jeans? DOUCHEBAGS. ACROSS THE BOARD. Gay, straight, bi, it doesn't matter. THEY ARE COOLER THAN YOU, AND THEY NEED YOU TO BE AWARE OF THAT FACT AT ALL TIMES.
My impression of every teenager today: skinny jeans, too-tight t-shirt with something "you've probably never heard of" on it, myspace hair (which should have died along with myspace), a piercing located somewhere on their face to prove they're unique, just like everybody else, a perma-snooty look or smirk, and a text-message thingy that you would have to PHYSICALLY AMPUTATE FROM THEIR HAND. They text their friend who is sitting right next to them because duh, that's so much cooler than talking to them. They are known to burst into loud laughter that clearly signifies they are in on the joke, and you are not. They travel in packs. They hate you. They hate your cousin, and they hate your grandma. And they're gonna breed and make little versions of themselves that are gonna get progressively worse. I'm gonna stop now before I get hopelessly depressed and decide I want to homeschool my children, or possibly shrink wrap them.
Hello! My name is Douchebag McGee.
Hi. Your hair and very existence fill me with possibly irrational rage. :(
Yours too. Unless you are the same person. I can't really tell. Also? I hope your face gets stuck in that retarded myspace pose FOREVER. Also? I hope you get eaten by wolverines.
(If you ever want to hate the world for a while, try googling "myspace hair and skinny jeans." Oy. :/)
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