LIKE OH MAH GOD, THIS IS MAH SONG!!!
Just kidding, it sucks.
Oh, Jason Aldean, the most ridiculously uneven of all artists. How does one album contain both "1994" and "Night train?" How is that even possible? And now this, from the man whose bad songs are so incredibly bad, you forget most of his songs are actually decent.
From the very first note you can tell this is gonna be awful. This song encapsulates everything I was trying to say about produced-out-the-ass sounding music. Why, Jason, did you lose your band and make this Chef Boyardee crap? (Cause it's CANNED, get it? HHAHAHAHA*cough*HA.) Or maybe his band got sucked into a computer and he needs to go on a quest to rescue them! Isn't that the plot of some movie? If it isn't, it TOTALLY SHOULD BE.
So I have this image of Maggie Rose and say, Jason Aldean, having an awkward first date in his truck.
Her: I want to be the girl in your truck song.
Him: I want you to be the girl in my truck song. Hey, that would make a good song! *starts humming*
Her: I want to be the girl in the girl in your truck song. ... wait, what did I just say? *giggles* Doesn't matter, just put me in your song.
Him: *pulls guitar out from somewhere* I want you to be the girl in my girl in my truck song, come on baby won't you sing along... okay number one hit right here. Hang on baby, and grab me a beer will ya? *starts speed dialing all of Nashville*
Her: Cool baby, I wanna be the girl in the girl in the girl in your truck song. Sure I'll get you a beer. Aw, there's only one left.
Him: Thanks babe. *swigs* Hey, Dallas? I gotta song I wanna run by you. It's called "Girl in My Girl..." Oh, you already wrote it? You'll send it over tomorrow? Awesome man! *hangs up* Okay babe, where were we?
Her: I wanna be the girl in your... girl...
Him: Oh man, I just got another awesome song idea! hang on babe. This one's really outside the box.
Her: Hmm, maybe we should just make out.
Pretty soon all songs will be called Song About Girl in Your Truck Song, Song About Song About Girl in Your Truck Song Song, Songs About Songs About Trucks, or maybe just Songs About Songs. And don't forget Songs About Songs About Songs. That one really broke some new ground.
Enough with the song-dropping. Can we please just get back to actual songs???
Showing posts with label the trucker hat of music. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the trucker hat of music. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 03, 2014
Country love songs back in my day:
"Adalida, pretty little cajun queen.
Sweet dixie flower, the belle of the bayou-
You're every young man's dream.
Adalida, I'd walk through a hurricane
To stand beside you sweet Adalida I'd swim the Pontchartrain."
"And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance."
Now:
"Get in my truck."
Or, if he's feelin' romantic: "Get in my truck, girl."
And pain? What is this "pain" you speak of? Frat boys don't feel pain bro, we just drink another brew and get another tat! Pain is for wussies who wear shirts, amirite bro?
"Adalida, pretty little cajun queen.
Sweet dixie flower, the belle of the bayou-
You're every young man's dream.
Adalida, I'd walk through a hurricane
To stand beside you sweet Adalida I'd swim the Pontchartrain."
"And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance."
Now:
"Get in my truck."
Or, if he's feelin' romantic: "Get in my truck, girl."
And pain? What is this "pain" you speak of? Frat boys don't feel pain bro, we just drink another brew and get another tat! Pain is for wussies who wear shirts, amirite bro?
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Why do I listen to anything, ever? Why do I read anything, ever? Why do I turn on my comp... wait, why do I even get out of bed at all??
I HATE THIS GUY. Goddammit country music. This guy needs to be bucked off the damn bronco for good. But he won't be as long as people are stupid and he keeps making money. Goddammit. This is why money is the root of all evil. Well, maybe people will surprise me and it won't be a hit, and he'll ride off into Mexico on his goddamn donkey. WHERE HE'LL GET SHOT 47 TIMES BY A DRUG CARTEL. (Miraculously, the donkey will survive and run happy and free in the countryside.)
A girl can dream.
I HATE THIS GUY. Goddammit country music. This guy needs to be bucked off the damn bronco for good. But he won't be as long as people are stupid and he keeps making money. Goddammit. This is why money is the root of all evil. Well, maybe people will surprise me and it won't be a hit, and he'll ride off into Mexico on his goddamn donkey. WHERE HE'LL GET SHOT 47 TIMES BY A DRUG CARTEL. (Miraculously, the donkey will survive and run happy and free in the countryside.)
A girl can dream.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
It's Friday y'all!
So why, you might ask, if anyone besides me actually read this thing, do you spend so much time ranting about current music? Why not just go listen to your 80s and 90s music and cry? Well, that is what I do the rest of the time I'm not on here. But anyway, here are two things I'd like to share about me.
1. Music used to be my life.
Like, pretty much literally. I'm an introvert with social anxiety, so my life has never been about parties and hanging out and... going to the bathroom in groups, or whatever social people do. I'm all about cats, and nature, and books, and quiet road trips, and exploring abandoned... meat smoking plants, or whatever. And music. Back when I was really into popular music, when I was about 10 up until my teenage years when I got more into alternative, the Billboard top 40 was my Bible. I listened to that Rick Dees weekly countdown like it was the word of God. Yes, my messiah was the man who brought us Disco Duck and Eat My Shorts. LOL 80s?
I had notebooks where I kept track of those countdowns every week, and rated each song in order of how much I liked them. (And put little doodles of hearts and unicorns or whatever next to them, cause I was a preteen girl.) I knew every song by heart, I had rows of cassettes lined up in alphabetical order and obsessively taped songs off the radio if I couldnt afford them. I'm relating this not to show what a crazy music geek I was, cause nothing can fully convey how much I ate, slept and breathed music for the first half of my life. I'm trying to put in perspective how my life has changed because of how music has changed.
Pop music started going bad in the late 80s/early 90s, and this was when I turned to country. And wow, what an incredible treasure that was to discover back then. I ate that stuff up like candy. I bought every CD I could get my hands on. I did my favorite songs on karaoke. Yes, I loved 90s country music so much I was able to get up and sing it in front of other people. I had a new music life. (I also got into the grunge and alt rock scene of the 90s, but that didn't last very long and I went right back to country when rock somehow sludged into Nickelback.)
2. I'm lazy.
There might still be good music put out today, but other than the one or two flukes that somehow make it onto the charts, it's not popular. Which means, you have to look for it. You didn't used to have to look for good music, it was right there in front of you. Turn on the radio, turn on MTV, walk out your front door and you trip over it. Even alternative music wasn't that hard to find, MTV had whole shows dedicated to playing it. MTV doesn't play music anymore, and if they did they'd play the shit that's popular so who cares anyway. I miss good music being readily available. In fact it's so hard to find, it seems like it's actively being hidden. Which it probably is, so some douchebags can get rich off of the crap that's repeatedly rammed down our ears.
Up until recently, I still listened to country music. There was plenty in there I liked, even as the older stars I loved faded away, we had Miranda Lambert and Zac Brown Band and Brad Paisley. Blake Shelton started off pretty promising too, as I mentioned before. But then, as I'm far from the first one to notice, in came the slew of dumbass truck driving beer drinking woman ogling songs, and country music became more of a frat party than a dixieland delight. It kind of crept up on me too, I didn't even realize why I stopped listening a couple years ago til I read those articles about "bro country." Oh yeah, that's why!
So now? About 98% of the music I listen to is music that's already come and gone. There's nothing to really look forward to or get excited about. Not even country, my last chance saloon of music. I thought "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk"* was an anomaly, an affliction that either works its way through your system or kills you, like malaria or "Achy Breaky Heart." But no, it was just the freaking warmup act. Enter Luke Bryan and Justin somebody and a bunch of dudes with interchangeable names and faces and tight-jeaned crotches singing about trucks and women like they're truck accessories. It was here I started losing interest and wandered off. I probably thought it was a passing fad. I don't even remember what I thought about it, if anything, I just turned off the radio. That's how unimportant it seemed. But now? It's everywhere, and it's gotten SO MUCH WORSE in my absence. There's even a song that references Kim Kardashian. God, I wish I could unknow that.
*a footnote on Trace Adkins, singer of another of my favorite 90s hits, "Every Light in the House is On," and yeah, something about a badonkadonk. From that, you'd think he left all his talent in the 90s along with his mullet and just sold out, but that isn't true. Years after the badonka-crisis he had a number one hit with one of the most heartfelt country songs I'd heard in a long time, "You're Gonna Miss This."
"She was staring out that window, of that SUV
Complaining, saying I can't wait to turn 18
She said I'll make my own money, and I'll make my own rules
Mamma put the car in park out there in front of the school
Then she kissed her head and said I was just like you
[Chorus]
You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These Are Some Good Times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this
Before she knows it she's a brand new bride
In a one-bedroom apartment, and her daddy stops by
He tells her It's a nice place
She says It'll do for now
Starts talking about babies and buying a house
Daddy shakes his head and says Baby, just slow down
[Chorus]
You're gonna miss this..."
...wow? That's what country music is to me, a little slice of life that anyone can relate too. And this was a HUGE HIT. So... why isn't there more stuff like this out there?? If Trace Adkins can recover from badonk-itis, anyone can. Eh, he also did that "swing batter batter swing" song, which I'd probably find more tolerable if I wasn't a baseball fan and hadn't had to listen to it before every single freaking game that year.
EDIT: to make this the longest footnote ever... A couple years after that, Trace Adkins apparently released a song called "Brown Chicken Brown Cow." Yeah, say it out loud, it's not very subtle. If you're befuddled by the nuances of "Titty's Beer," this is the song for you. But... it's funny! tee hee? Yeah, it's about as funny as a field full of dead farm animals BEING BEATEN REPEATEDLY. Never mind, Trace Adkins sucks.
Anyway. I do like a few of the "get your drink on" country songs. "Am I the Only One" by Dierks Bentley is actually one of the last country songs I downloaded before I got out of Dodge. Like "The More I Drink," there's a relatable undercurrent there. Am I the only one who wants to have fun tonight? C'mon, don't make me drink alone! That's a pretty classic theme of loneliness behind that good time song. Most party songs are generic and not really relatable to the average person- I mean, they might as well be singing about going to the circus or something. Who the hell goes to the circus every day? It doesn't resonate on any real level. But "I feel like getting drunk tonight but nobody wants to come cause they're all boring and reponsible and shit?" Yeah, I've been there.
But most of this stuff is dreck and it's taking over like kudzu. I'd rather listen to kudzu grow than most of this crap. At least, I thought we'd hit bottom with those Blake Shelton and Jason Aldean and Florida-Georgia Line songs I talked about earlier. It couldn't possibly get any worse, could it?
... jesus pole dancing christ. They made a country song that sounds like Friday.
THEY MADE A COUNTRY SONG THAT SOUNDS LIKE FRIDAY.
k I quit. Wait... here's a gem from the comments section:
"I'm obsessed. And I love the autotune"
FUCK YOU ASSFACE. Seriously. Okay, this is making me swear more than I actually planned to. And I vowed to never read comments on the internet. But it was right there at the top. :/
Yeah, country music is even farther gone than I thought. If people actually want this, maybe it should become a seperate genre like "nu-country" or something. Cause this is like ordering a country fried steak and getting a giant piece of dry lettuce. Except lettuce is healthy so... no, this is like ordering a country fried steak and getting a giant plate of dog turds. There.
I'll leave you with the wise words of Wynonna, circa (you guessed it) 1994: "Rock bottom ain't no place to be."
1. Music used to be my life.
Like, pretty much literally. I'm an introvert with social anxiety, so my life has never been about parties and hanging out and... going to the bathroom in groups, or whatever social people do. I'm all about cats, and nature, and books, and quiet road trips, and exploring abandoned... meat smoking plants, or whatever. And music. Back when I was really into popular music, when I was about 10 up until my teenage years when I got more into alternative, the Billboard top 40 was my Bible. I listened to that Rick Dees weekly countdown like it was the word of God. Yes, my messiah was the man who brought us Disco Duck and Eat My Shorts. LOL 80s?
I had notebooks where I kept track of those countdowns every week, and rated each song in order of how much I liked them. (And put little doodles of hearts and unicorns or whatever next to them, cause I was a preteen girl.) I knew every song by heart, I had rows of cassettes lined up in alphabetical order and obsessively taped songs off the radio if I couldnt afford them. I'm relating this not to show what a crazy music geek I was, cause nothing can fully convey how much I ate, slept and breathed music for the first half of my life. I'm trying to put in perspective how my life has changed because of how music has changed.
Pop music started going bad in the late 80s/early 90s, and this was when I turned to country. And wow, what an incredible treasure that was to discover back then. I ate that stuff up like candy. I bought every CD I could get my hands on. I did my favorite songs on karaoke. Yes, I loved 90s country music so much I was able to get up and sing it in front of other people. I had a new music life. (I also got into the grunge and alt rock scene of the 90s, but that didn't last very long and I went right back to country when rock somehow sludged into Nickelback.)
2. I'm lazy.
There might still be good music put out today, but other than the one or two flukes that somehow make it onto the charts, it's not popular. Which means, you have to look for it. You didn't used to have to look for good music, it was right there in front of you. Turn on the radio, turn on MTV, walk out your front door and you trip over it. Even alternative music wasn't that hard to find, MTV had whole shows dedicated to playing it. MTV doesn't play music anymore, and if they did they'd play the shit that's popular so who cares anyway. I miss good music being readily available. In fact it's so hard to find, it seems like it's actively being hidden. Which it probably is, so some douchebags can get rich off of the crap that's repeatedly rammed down our ears.
Up until recently, I still listened to country music. There was plenty in there I liked, even as the older stars I loved faded away, we had Miranda Lambert and Zac Brown Band and Brad Paisley. Blake Shelton started off pretty promising too, as I mentioned before. But then, as I'm far from the first one to notice, in came the slew of dumbass truck driving beer drinking woman ogling songs, and country music became more of a frat party than a dixieland delight. It kind of crept up on me too, I didn't even realize why I stopped listening a couple years ago til I read those articles about "bro country." Oh yeah, that's why!
So now? About 98% of the music I listen to is music that's already come and gone. There's nothing to really look forward to or get excited about. Not even country, my last chance saloon of music. I thought "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk"* was an anomaly, an affliction that either works its way through your system or kills you, like malaria or "Achy Breaky Heart." But no, it was just the freaking warmup act. Enter Luke Bryan and Justin somebody and a bunch of dudes with interchangeable names and faces and tight-jeaned crotches singing about trucks and women like they're truck accessories. It was here I started losing interest and wandered off. I probably thought it was a passing fad. I don't even remember what I thought about it, if anything, I just turned off the radio. That's how unimportant it seemed. But now? It's everywhere, and it's gotten SO MUCH WORSE in my absence. There's even a song that references Kim Kardashian. God, I wish I could unknow that.
*a footnote on Trace Adkins, singer of another of my favorite 90s hits, "Every Light in the House is On," and yeah, something about a badonkadonk. From that, you'd think he left all his talent in the 90s along with his mullet and just sold out, but that isn't true. Years after the badonka-crisis he had a number one hit with one of the most heartfelt country songs I'd heard in a long time, "You're Gonna Miss This."
"She was staring out that window, of that SUV
Complaining, saying I can't wait to turn 18
She said I'll make my own money, and I'll make my own rules
Mamma put the car in park out there in front of the school
Then she kissed her head and said I was just like you
[Chorus]
You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These Are Some Good Times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this
Before she knows it she's a brand new bride
In a one-bedroom apartment, and her daddy stops by
He tells her It's a nice place
She says It'll do for now
Starts talking about babies and buying a house
Daddy shakes his head and says Baby, just slow down
[Chorus]
You're gonna miss this..."
...wow? That's what country music is to me, a little slice of life that anyone can relate too. And this was a HUGE HIT. So... why isn't there more stuff like this out there?? If Trace Adkins can recover from badonk-itis, anyone can. Eh, he also did that "swing batter batter swing" song, which I'd probably find more tolerable if I wasn't a baseball fan and hadn't had to listen to it before every single freaking game that year.
EDIT: to make this the longest footnote ever... A couple years after that, Trace Adkins apparently released a song called "Brown Chicken Brown Cow." Yeah, say it out loud, it's not very subtle. If you're befuddled by the nuances of "Titty's Beer," this is the song for you. But... it's funny! tee hee? Yeah, it's about as funny as a field full of dead farm animals BEING BEATEN REPEATEDLY. Never mind, Trace Adkins sucks.
Anyway. I do like a few of the "get your drink on" country songs. "Am I the Only One" by Dierks Bentley is actually one of the last country songs I downloaded before I got out of Dodge. Like "The More I Drink," there's a relatable undercurrent there. Am I the only one who wants to have fun tonight? C'mon, don't make me drink alone! That's a pretty classic theme of loneliness behind that good time song. Most party songs are generic and not really relatable to the average person- I mean, they might as well be singing about going to the circus or something. Who the hell goes to the circus every day? It doesn't resonate on any real level. But "I feel like getting drunk tonight but nobody wants to come cause they're all boring and reponsible and shit?" Yeah, I've been there.
But most of this stuff is dreck and it's taking over like kudzu. I'd rather listen to kudzu grow than most of this crap. At least, I thought we'd hit bottom with those Blake Shelton and Jason Aldean and Florida-Georgia Line songs I talked about earlier. It couldn't possibly get any worse, could it?
... jesus pole dancing christ. They made a country song that sounds like Friday.
THEY MADE A COUNTRY SONG THAT SOUNDS LIKE FRIDAY.
k I quit. Wait... here's a gem from the comments section:
"I'm obsessed. And I love the autotune"
FUCK YOU ASSFACE. Seriously. Okay, this is making me swear more than I actually planned to. And I vowed to never read comments on the internet. But it was right there at the top. :/
Yeah, country music is even farther gone than I thought. If people actually want this, maybe it should become a seperate genre like "nu-country" or something. Cause this is like ordering a country fried steak and getting a giant piece of dry lettuce. Except lettuce is healthy so... no, this is like ordering a country fried steak and getting a giant plate of dog turds. There.
I'll leave you with the wise words of Wynonna, circa (you guessed it) 1994: "Rock bottom ain't no place to be."
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
I'm not sure how to feel about this.
On a whim, I looked at the Billboard top 100 hit songs of 2013. I kinda wanted to see where that Fox song ended up (#70something hee! - that would be even funnier if it hadn't beat out one of my favorite songs EVER which was stuck at #89. but whatever). And anyway, 3 of the top 5 songs... I like.
I. LIKE. Them.
WTF UNIVERSE?? IT'S LIKE I'M IN THE MATRIX, IF I HAD UNDERSTOOD THAT MOVIE AT ALL AND ACTUALLY KNEW WHAT THAT MEANT.
Now, the other two songs make me want to dunk my head in a vat of bleach, but... this is progress, right? Okay, here are the top 5 songs. Maybe you can figure out which ones I like, and which ones make me want to burn my face off. Let's go!
1
THRIFT SHOP
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis Featuring Wanz
2
BLURRED LINES
Robin Thicke Featuring T.I. + Pharrell
3
RADIOACTIVE
Imagine Dragons
4
HARLEM SHAKE
Baauer
5
CAN'T HOLD US
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis Featuring Ray Dalton
Yeah, I like Macklemore and Imagine Dragons. That probably wasn't too hard. For the record, I like the music and background "woo" on Blurred Lines but the actual song and the video make me want to SCRUB AND KEEP SCRUBBING. CAN... NEVER... GET... CLEAN. And Harlem Shake is a freaking squirrel fart, why is this even on my radar. Jesus.
The rest of the list is mostly stuff I hate (two miley cyrus masterpieces in a row) or stuff I haven't heard of and probably would hate. But Imagine Dragons have two more songs on there, which just blows my mind. I can't understand how the same people who listen to that can in good conscience put Miley Cyrus and Katy Perry on the charts. Or maybe it's totally different people. Whatever. The point is, an actual band who sing and play instruments had 3 hits in a year, so I'm calling this a win for the good guys.
I don't even have to comment on Thrift Shop. Just go listen to Thrift Shop, and smile.
Also, Bruno Mars is on the list. He was kind of on my radar before the super bowl cause he wrote and sang a couple songs I like. Yeah, I italicized that shit because this man is an actual singer-songwriter who also plays a variety of musical instruments. And he sounds kickass live and seems to genuinely enjoy every aspect of music and the performing thereof. And while this kind of thing used to be a staple of the music world, these days it makes you a freakin virtuoso. So hats off to you, Bruno Mars. You're pretty decent.
I never (ever ever) thought Taylor Swift would be in my "hated" music category but God, I can't stand either of her two songs on there. They're pop songs, not country, which is fine; I actually like pop music when it's done well. I don't hate her music now cause she's "gone pop," I hate it cause she's gone bad pop. But I didn't like much of the country music that came out last year either, so yeah. It seems a lot of last year's country fell under the "trucker hat of music" category.
Apparently this "Cruise" thing was the biggest country hit ever and... yeah, I don't like it. I don't really hate it, if someone told me this had gone to like #10 on the country chart I'd be like, "Yeah, okay." But biggest country hit ever? It's just too damn slick. And I don't think country music is supposed to be slick. The hip hop remix doesn't sound much different than the original to me, and that's the problem. Hip hop isn't my favorite genre mostly because of the very produced sound it has. I don't want my country music to sound produced, I want it to sound... hatched. Like a baby chick. Okay, that's a horrible analogy, but as far as farm analogies go at least it's better than "slopped like a pig" or "ridden like a horse." Actually wait, that second one isn't so bad. I want my country music to sound as if it was composed ON HORSEBACK.
Okay, glad I worked that one out. Now I'm just gonna pretend the biggest country hit ever is still "Friends in Low Places" or "Don't Rock the Jukebox" or whatever awesome song these doucheknockers replaced.*
Jesus. Is that Nickelback, or something? I couldn't even find one photo of these guys wearing a cowboy hat. And I looked. Well, better than "all hat and no cattle" I guess, but... yecch. RIP country music. Well, except for that kickass Miranda Lambert song at #89. Um... keep hanging on life support, country music?
*It was Need You Now by Lady Antebellum. Still a pretty decent song. Which I guess beat out Love Story by Taylor Swift... meh. Okay, apparently country music has been on a downswing for a while now. And those are just digital downloads, I guess, so who knows what happened to the music that came out before digital downloads. I'm a simple caveman, your world frightens and confuses me. Well it SHOULD be Friends in Low Places, so I'm just gonna stick my fingers in my ears and go la la la and... no, I'm gonna go LISTEN to Friends in Low Places. Then I'm gonna have a beer and listen to, I dunno, The Thunder Rolls. Then I'm gonna cry and have another beer and listen to another song til I pass out cause COUNTRY MUSIC IS NOT HAPPY FUN DRINKING MUSIC GODDAMMIT, IT'S NOT PARTY FREAKING ROCK ANTHEM, IT'S SAD DRINKING MUSIC THAT SOMEHOW MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER, OR AT LEAST DRUNKER! ENOUGH WITH THE PARTY IN MY TRUCK SONGS, AND BACK TO TEAR IN MY BEER!
Country music only needed two truck songs, and they are Pickup Man by Joe Diffie* and That Ain't My Truck by Rhett Akins. Lock up the studio, we're done here.
*Someone actually considered Pickup Man to be the start of all the stupid country "truck" songs and... no. "You can set my truck on fire and roll it down a hill, and I still wouldn't trade it for a coupe de ville!" is about a million times more fun and clever than all the dumb cliches they're throwing around now. Also, country music needed at least one truck song. It's country music, for pete's sake. And this is a darn good representative. We just didn't need, you know, 17 of them, and each more vapid than the last.
By virtue of hindsight, I'm also gonna allow one of Luke Bryan's early hits, We Rode in Trucks. For one thing it came out in 2007, so this was actually kind of a fresh concept then. I'm not gonna blame this song for all the trucking garbage that came after it. And while it is about yep, trucks, it's also a metaphor for growing up in the country and feeling nostalgic for it. Maybe a bit simplistic, but it's deeper and more relatable than its watered-down spawn which is basically just I LOVE MAH TRUCK. and women. not necessarily in that order. I have no qualms about deep-fried country sentiment if it feels somewhat genuine. Which this does.
So anyway. I actually liked more of the pop songs on that list than the country songs, which frightens me to the very core of my soul. Overall, it was kinda mediocre, kinda sickening, a few bright spots, about what you'd expect out of a top 100 songs of the year list. But... those 3 out of 5 songs I like. Why doesn't this make me feel better??? I want to like music, right? And yet... I feel strangely empty inside. Quick, bring me something awful to hate on! There must be something... where'd Cher Lloyd go? Hasn't she followed up her brilliant reworking of My Darling Clementine with a rap remix of Three Blind Mice yet? C'mon, there must be something!
I'll be waiting...
In the meantime, while I was trying to hunt down the actual all-time biggest country hit, I stumbled across this. It's brilliant. Read it. The part about the aforementioned Mr. Diffie makes me sad, though. He's one of my country heroes, dammit! I saw him in concert! Well at least he made some money last year, I guess. *sigh* And... oh God, I also saw Montgomery Gentry in concert. Back in the day when they had a song called "Daddy Won't Sell the Farm" and I was all, "Hell yeah, don't sell that farm!" and now... I'm just gonna go over there. I can't be here anymore.
http://www.savingcountrymusic.com/tag/cruise
On a whim, I looked at the Billboard top 100 hit songs of 2013. I kinda wanted to see where that Fox song ended up (#70something hee! - that would be even funnier if it hadn't beat out one of my favorite songs EVER which was stuck at #89. but whatever). And anyway, 3 of the top 5 songs... I like.
I. LIKE. Them.
WTF UNIVERSE?? IT'S LIKE I'M IN THE MATRIX, IF I HAD UNDERSTOOD THAT MOVIE AT ALL AND ACTUALLY KNEW WHAT THAT MEANT.
Now, the other two songs make me want to dunk my head in a vat of bleach, but... this is progress, right? Okay, here are the top 5 songs. Maybe you can figure out which ones I like, and which ones make me want to burn my face off. Let's go!
1
THRIFT SHOP
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis Featuring Wanz
2
BLURRED LINES
Robin Thicke Featuring T.I. + Pharrell
3
RADIOACTIVE
Imagine Dragons
4
HARLEM SHAKE
Baauer
5
CAN'T HOLD US
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis Featuring Ray Dalton
Yeah, I like Macklemore and Imagine Dragons. That probably wasn't too hard. For the record, I like the music and background "woo" on Blurred Lines but the actual song and the video make me want to SCRUB AND KEEP SCRUBBING. CAN... NEVER... GET... CLEAN. And Harlem Shake is a freaking squirrel fart, why is this even on my radar. Jesus.
The rest of the list is mostly stuff I hate (two miley cyrus masterpieces in a row) or stuff I haven't heard of and probably would hate. But Imagine Dragons have two more songs on there, which just blows my mind. I can't understand how the same people who listen to that can in good conscience put Miley Cyrus and Katy Perry on the charts. Or maybe it's totally different people. Whatever. The point is, an actual band who sing and play instruments had 3 hits in a year, so I'm calling this a win for the good guys.
I don't even have to comment on Thrift Shop. Just go listen to Thrift Shop, and smile.
Also, Bruno Mars is on the list. He was kind of on my radar before the super bowl cause he wrote and sang a couple songs I like. Yeah, I italicized that shit because this man is an actual singer-songwriter who also plays a variety of musical instruments. And he sounds kickass live and seems to genuinely enjoy every aspect of music and the performing thereof. And while this kind of thing used to be a staple of the music world, these days it makes you a freakin virtuoso. So hats off to you, Bruno Mars. You're pretty decent.
I never (ever ever) thought Taylor Swift would be in my "hated" music category but God, I can't stand either of her two songs on there. They're pop songs, not country, which is fine; I actually like pop music when it's done well. I don't hate her music now cause she's "gone pop," I hate it cause she's gone bad pop. But I didn't like much of the country music that came out last year either, so yeah. It seems a lot of last year's country fell under the "trucker hat of music" category.
Apparently this "Cruise" thing was the biggest country hit ever and... yeah, I don't like it. I don't really hate it, if someone told me this had gone to like #10 on the country chart I'd be like, "Yeah, okay." But biggest country hit ever? It's just too damn slick. And I don't think country music is supposed to be slick. The hip hop remix doesn't sound much different than the original to me, and that's the problem. Hip hop isn't my favorite genre mostly because of the very produced sound it has. I don't want my country music to sound produced, I want it to sound... hatched. Like a baby chick. Okay, that's a horrible analogy, but as far as farm analogies go at least it's better than "slopped like a pig" or "ridden like a horse." Actually wait, that second one isn't so bad. I want my country music to sound as if it was composed ON HORSEBACK.
Okay, glad I worked that one out. Now I'm just gonna pretend the biggest country hit ever is still "Friends in Low Places" or "Don't Rock the Jukebox" or whatever awesome song these doucheknockers replaced.*
Jesus. Is that Nickelback, or something? I couldn't even find one photo of these guys wearing a cowboy hat. And I looked. Well, better than "all hat and no cattle" I guess, but... yecch. RIP country music. Well, except for that kickass Miranda Lambert song at #89. Um... keep hanging on life support, country music?
*It was Need You Now by Lady Antebellum. Still a pretty decent song. Which I guess beat out Love Story by Taylor Swift... meh. Okay, apparently country music has been on a downswing for a while now. And those are just digital downloads, I guess, so who knows what happened to the music that came out before digital downloads. I'm a simple caveman, your world frightens and confuses me. Well it SHOULD be Friends in Low Places, so I'm just gonna stick my fingers in my ears and go la la la and... no, I'm gonna go LISTEN to Friends in Low Places. Then I'm gonna have a beer and listen to, I dunno, The Thunder Rolls. Then I'm gonna cry and have another beer and listen to another song til I pass out cause COUNTRY MUSIC IS NOT HAPPY FUN DRINKING MUSIC GODDAMMIT, IT'S NOT PARTY FREAKING ROCK ANTHEM, IT'S SAD DRINKING MUSIC THAT SOMEHOW MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER, OR AT LEAST DRUNKER! ENOUGH WITH THE PARTY IN MY TRUCK SONGS, AND BACK TO TEAR IN MY BEER!
Country music only needed two truck songs, and they are Pickup Man by Joe Diffie* and That Ain't My Truck by Rhett Akins. Lock up the studio, we're done here.
*Someone actually considered Pickup Man to be the start of all the stupid country "truck" songs and... no. "You can set my truck on fire and roll it down a hill, and I still wouldn't trade it for a coupe de ville!" is about a million times more fun and clever than all the dumb cliches they're throwing around now. Also, country music needed at least one truck song. It's country music, for pete's sake. And this is a darn good representative. We just didn't need, you know, 17 of them, and each more vapid than the last.
By virtue of hindsight, I'm also gonna allow one of Luke Bryan's early hits, We Rode in Trucks. For one thing it came out in 2007, so this was actually kind of a fresh concept then. I'm not gonna blame this song for all the trucking garbage that came after it. And while it is about yep, trucks, it's also a metaphor for growing up in the country and feeling nostalgic for it. Maybe a bit simplistic, but it's deeper and more relatable than its watered-down spawn which is basically just I LOVE MAH TRUCK. and women. not necessarily in that order. I have no qualms about deep-fried country sentiment if it feels somewhat genuine. Which this does.
So anyway. I actually liked more of the pop songs on that list than the country songs, which frightens me to the very core of my soul. Overall, it was kinda mediocre, kinda sickening, a few bright spots, about what you'd expect out of a top 100 songs of the year list. But... those 3 out of 5 songs I like. Why doesn't this make me feel better??? I want to like music, right? And yet... I feel strangely empty inside. Quick, bring me something awful to hate on! There must be something... where'd Cher Lloyd go? Hasn't she followed up her brilliant reworking of My Darling Clementine with a rap remix of Three Blind Mice yet? C'mon, there must be something!
I'll be waiting...
In the meantime, while I was trying to hunt down the actual all-time biggest country hit, I stumbled across this. It's brilliant. Read it. The part about the aforementioned Mr. Diffie makes me sad, though. He's one of my country heroes, dammit! I saw him in concert! Well at least he made some money last year, I guess. *sigh* And... oh God, I also saw Montgomery Gentry in concert. Back in the day when they had a song called "Daddy Won't Sell the Farm" and I was all, "Hell yeah, don't sell that farm!" and now... I'm just gonna go over there. I can't be here anymore.
http://www.savingcountrymusic.com/tag/cruise
Thursday, January 24, 2013
In assessing today's music, I have to ask myself honestly: Is the problem just that you aren't the target audience anymore? Would you have liked this stuff as a teenager?
Well for one thing, I'm in my 30s, I'm not exactly old. It's not like I should be playing bingo and listening to... polka, or something. So I'm a little annoyed that popular culture is so skewed toward youth now (in 20 years they'll be targeting embryos) that I feel like its freakin mother. "Turn that noise off and do your homework!"
And second... well, the short answer is no. I wouldn't have liked this stuff as a teenager. All I have to do is compare the music I liked then to the music of today, and I think the results speak for themselves. I still like all these 80s songs, today, whilst in my 30s. And not just as nostalgia, I think it's genuinely good music.
Ah, Holiday by Madonna. This is kind of the quintessential 80s song to me. It's so happy and always makes me think of the beach.
Kesha. Makes me think of shooting up in a dark alley outside da club.
We Got the Beat by the Go-Gos. A tight, catchy pop-rock song with great harmonies and cool chicks playing their own instruments. It's happy and makes me think of the beach, as pretty much all good 80s songs do.
Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus. Generic, canned background music, something that is either singing or a coyote with its tail caught in a blender, stupid lyrics, and I can never unsee that pole dance no matter how hard I try. What a mess. (To be fair, I might have liked this when I was 9-10 years old, back in the Kids Incorporated days. But it wouldn't have lasted beyond that. And Martika was awesome. random martika shout out. i miss her. anyway.)
Saving All My Love for You by Whitney Houston. Never mind how she ended up, this is how I'll always remember her. She had a beautiful voice and this is just a pretty song. The kind that doesn't exist anymore, cause it sounds like actual music, and we can't have that. Quick, sample the hell out of this thing! :( I'm sure someone probably already has, in vulgar fashion.
cakecakecakecakecakecakecakecakecakecake by Rihanna. Yeah, we've already discussed this one. Somehow we've gone from "saving all my love for you" to "I wanna f*uck you right now." I think if we can pinpoint the moment that happened, we can figure out what went wrong with the world. And try to fix it.
Push It by Salt n Pepa. Yeah, PUSH IT! Push what? Push the button, Frank? I didn't know. I didn't care. This was the song I did the white girl dance in my bedroom to. I'll never look that stupid again. I miss those days. Man, female rappers started out so promising...
Stupid Hoe by Nicki Minaj. 'nuff said. Most people seem to hate this song, but it was still popular. Not sure how that works.
Billie Jean by Michael Jackson. I was never a huge MJ fan, but damn, this song soothes my sore ears.
Robot in a Blender or whatever by Kanye West. ... eh ... hmm... Man, Michael Jackson really had a good voice. Ok, moving on.
Girls Just Want to Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper. Cyndi comes home in the morning light, and professional wrestler dad is mad, but dammit, girls just wanna have fun! Now when I listen to this song, I don't get the feeling that Cyndi was doing anything more til the morning light than dancing and having a good time with her friends, maybe putting a new pink streak in her hair, that kinda thing. If she was doing more than that I don't wanna know about it and bless her, she doesn't tell us about it. Also, it's happy and makes me think of the beach.
Last Friday Night by Katy Perry. "There's a stranger in my bed, is this a hickey or a bruise?" umm ok... girls just wanna have fun, I guess? with a random dude who might have smacked them around during sex? Ok... a little off the original point, I guess, but let's keep going, maybe it gets better!
"Pictures of last night ended up online, it's a blacked out blur but I'm pretty sure it ruled!" teeheehee, drunk naked pictures of me online, my life is ruined forever and no one will ever hire me, teeheehee! but girls just wanna... have fun... i guess... "We went streaking in the park, skinny dipping in the dark" Well, that doesn't sound too bad, at least not the kind of thing you'll regret forever "Then had a menage a trois" ... oh. :( Okay, we need Captain Lou from the last video to get in here and lay the angry dad smackdown on this chick STAT. I think she needs it a lot more than Cyndi did. She also got arrested and had her car towed and is broke. But hey, girls... fun... whatever.
I'm gonna end this with two songs. The first is probably my favorite 80s song, sung by a woman with a beautiful voice that's both tough and vulnerable. She somehow manages to sing "those were the happiest days of my life" like her heart is breaking. Still gives me chills.
Back on the Chain Gang - the Pretenders
And now, my least favorite song OF ALL TIME. How far we have fallen. Oh, there was some wretched crap in the 80s too, but there was so much good, and it was popular. The Pretenders song was a top ten hit. These days, no one would even know about it.
Yes the immortal "i'm hotter than your girlfriend" song by a bunch of strippers. AIM HIGH SISTER. You know, if I could say just ONE thing to the world it would be, "less hot chicks deserve to get dumped for more hot chicks." It's just such a positive message. It's the "no fat chicks" trucker hat of music. I would also tell the world to drink lots of Bud Light Lime and vote for Donald Trump.
And while I appreciate your efforts to make me feel insecure in my own skin, Ms. Doll, I somehow end up feeling sorry for you and your pathetic need to put down other women. I might never be rich or famous or "hot" lol, but I have something that's been a foreign concept for a long time, and that's decency. And dignity. okay, that's two things.
NO MATTER WHAT THEY TAKE FROM ME, THEY CAN'T TAKE AWAY MY DIGNITYYYYY... LEARNING TO LOVE YOURSELF, IT IS THE GREATEST LOOOOOOOOVE OF ALL! Okay, it's a little sappy and heavy-handed. BUT. The message is still important. Please, young women of today, this is empowerment, not being "hot" and slutting yourself out. It might feel empowering in the short term, but it's empty calories. It's the Big Gulp of empowerment.
~~ The More You Know ~~
EDIT: lol I just had to wikipedia the stupid pussycat dolls song, didn't I. I'm a glutton for punishment. Billy Johnson, Jr. of Yahoo! Music said, "front and center, the stunning Nicole Scherzinger, surrounded by good company, pranced around in tank tops and short shorts while drag racing in convertible jeeps. They raised the bar."
They RAISED THE BAR. From what, exactly? Warrant's Cherry Pie video? Outtakes from Girls Gone Wild? Grainy footage of a hobo getting beaten up? Just where was this bar you speak of to begin with? I HATE YOU MEN. YOU TOO WOMEN. GO AWAY EVERYBODY.
Well for one thing, I'm in my 30s, I'm not exactly old. It's not like I should be playing bingo and listening to... polka, or something. So I'm a little annoyed that popular culture is so skewed toward youth now (in 20 years they'll be targeting embryos) that I feel like its freakin mother. "Turn that noise off and do your homework!"
And second... well, the short answer is no. I wouldn't have liked this stuff as a teenager. All I have to do is compare the music I liked then to the music of today, and I think the results speak for themselves. I still like all these 80s songs, today, whilst in my 30s. And not just as nostalgia, I think it's genuinely good music.
Ah, Holiday by Madonna. This is kind of the quintessential 80s song to me. It's so happy and always makes me think of the beach.
Kesha. Makes me think of shooting up in a dark alley outside da club.
We Got the Beat by the Go-Gos. A tight, catchy pop-rock song with great harmonies and cool chicks playing their own instruments. It's happy and makes me think of the beach, as pretty much all good 80s songs do.
Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus. Generic, canned background music, something that is either singing or a coyote with its tail caught in a blender, stupid lyrics, and I can never unsee that pole dance no matter how hard I try. What a mess. (To be fair, I might have liked this when I was 9-10 years old, back in the Kids Incorporated days. But it wouldn't have lasted beyond that. And Martika was awesome. random martika shout out. i miss her. anyway.)
Saving All My Love for You by Whitney Houston. Never mind how she ended up, this is how I'll always remember her. She had a beautiful voice and this is just a pretty song. The kind that doesn't exist anymore, cause it sounds like actual music, and we can't have that. Quick, sample the hell out of this thing! :( I'm sure someone probably already has, in vulgar fashion.
cakecakecakecakecakecakecakecakecakecake by Rihanna. Yeah, we've already discussed this one. Somehow we've gone from "saving all my love for you" to "I wanna f*uck you right now." I think if we can pinpoint the moment that happened, we can figure out what went wrong with the world. And try to fix it.
Push It by Salt n Pepa. Yeah, PUSH IT! Push what? Push the button, Frank? I didn't know. I didn't care. This was the song I did the white girl dance in my bedroom to. I'll never look that stupid again. I miss those days. Man, female rappers started out so promising...
Stupid Hoe by Nicki Minaj. 'nuff said. Most people seem to hate this song, but it was still popular. Not sure how that works.
Billie Jean by Michael Jackson. I was never a huge MJ fan, but damn, this song soothes my sore ears.
Robot in a Blender or whatever by Kanye West. ... eh ... hmm... Man, Michael Jackson really had a good voice. Ok, moving on.
Girls Just Want to Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper. Cyndi comes home in the morning light, and professional wrestler dad is mad, but dammit, girls just wanna have fun! Now when I listen to this song, I don't get the feeling that Cyndi was doing anything more til the morning light than dancing and having a good time with her friends, maybe putting a new pink streak in her hair, that kinda thing. If she was doing more than that I don't wanna know about it and bless her, she doesn't tell us about it. Also, it's happy and makes me think of the beach.
Last Friday Night by Katy Perry. "There's a stranger in my bed, is this a hickey or a bruise?" umm ok... girls just wanna have fun, I guess? with a random dude who might have smacked them around during sex? Ok... a little off the original point, I guess, but let's keep going, maybe it gets better!
"Pictures of last night ended up online, it's a blacked out blur but I'm pretty sure it ruled!" teeheehee, drunk naked pictures of me online, my life is ruined forever and no one will ever hire me, teeheehee! but girls just wanna... have fun... i guess... "We went streaking in the park, skinny dipping in the dark" Well, that doesn't sound too bad, at least not the kind of thing you'll regret forever "Then had a menage a trois" ... oh. :( Okay, we need Captain Lou from the last video to get in here and lay the angry dad smackdown on this chick STAT. I think she needs it a lot more than Cyndi did. She also got arrested and had her car towed and is broke. But hey, girls... fun... whatever.
I'm gonna end this with two songs. The first is probably my favorite 80s song, sung by a woman with a beautiful voice that's both tough and vulnerable. She somehow manages to sing "those were the happiest days of my life" like her heart is breaking. Still gives me chills.
Back on the Chain Gang - the Pretenders
And now, my least favorite song OF ALL TIME. How far we have fallen. Oh, there was some wretched crap in the 80s too, but there was so much good, and it was popular. The Pretenders song was a top ten hit. These days, no one would even know about it.
Yes the immortal "i'm hotter than your girlfriend" song by a bunch of strippers. AIM HIGH SISTER. You know, if I could say just ONE thing to the world it would be, "less hot chicks deserve to get dumped for more hot chicks." It's just such a positive message. It's the "no fat chicks" trucker hat of music. I would also tell the world to drink lots of Bud Light Lime and vote for Donald Trump.
And while I appreciate your efforts to make me feel insecure in my own skin, Ms. Doll, I somehow end up feeling sorry for you and your pathetic need to put down other women. I might never be rich or famous or "hot" lol, but I have something that's been a foreign concept for a long time, and that's decency. And dignity. okay, that's two things.
NO MATTER WHAT THEY TAKE FROM ME, THEY CAN'T TAKE AWAY MY DIGNITYYYYY... LEARNING TO LOVE YOURSELF, IT IS THE GREATEST LOOOOOOOOVE OF ALL! Okay, it's a little sappy and heavy-handed. BUT. The message is still important. Please, young women of today, this is empowerment, not being "hot" and slutting yourself out. It might feel empowering in the short term, but it's empty calories. It's the Big Gulp of empowerment.
~~ The More You Know ~~
EDIT: lol I just had to wikipedia the stupid pussycat dolls song, didn't I. I'm a glutton for punishment. Billy Johnson, Jr. of Yahoo! Music said, "front and center, the stunning Nicole Scherzinger, surrounded by good company, pranced around in tank tops and short shorts while drag racing in convertible jeeps. They raised the bar."
They RAISED THE BAR. From what, exactly? Warrant's Cherry Pie video? Outtakes from Girls Gone Wild? Grainy footage of a hobo getting beaten up? Just where was this bar you speak of to begin with? I HATE YOU MEN. YOU TOO WOMEN. GO AWAY EVERYBODY.
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