So remember last summer when I compared Blake Shelton to Taio Cruz?*

http://mrsrowsdower.blogspot.ca/2014_08_01_archive.html#5108279802716986722

It seems the rising fear I felt while writing that post is coming to fruition. Eli Young Band, one of the few mainstream acts whose hits I've consistently enjoyed, has released an overproduced, lyric-repeating monstrosity. It's called Turn it Up or Turn Me On or some generic pop wannabe crap. As Todd in the Shadows calls it, "club shit." Yeah, we'll just go with that. Eli Young Band has released club shit. I guess another one bites the "dust," eh? EH? Ha! ha! I laugh because I'm crying inside.

I still say "Neon Light" is actually redeemable. Just replace the repeated lines with actual lyrics and bring back the band he apparently fired to buy bigger truck tires. Giant, gold-plated truck tires. Anyway, do that and you've got a solid 90s hit. But all this latest watered-down dreck is absolutely useless, including Take it off or whatever this thing is called. Oh wait, that's a Kesha song about having an orgy in a filthy club, I think. Actually, never mind, perfect analogy.

*and does anyone actually remember Taio Cruz?

Hilarious parody!

Sssh... it's a parody. I refuse to believe otherwise. Cause, this makes Florida Georgia Line sound like Alabama. This is the worst "song" I've ever heard. Or it would be, if it wasn't a brilliant parody of bad music. That's my story, and I'm stickin' to it.

My favorite movie is Ghostbusters. I will probably not see any Ghostbusters remake. I don't care if it's women or men; I'd be more likely to see one with women just because it's different, and I appreciate the effort to showcase women in comedy. Boy, do I. But that doesn't change my feeling of... DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. This is when I hate nostalgia. Don't freaking remake stuff from our childhoods, make new stuff that will be iconic in 30 years. We already have the original for nostalgia purposes, we don't need a new one!

Also, they seem to fail at making movie characters likable anymore. Especially in comedies and horror. I feel like things are done just to get a reaction, instead of earning that reaction. It's all so cynical.

It doesn't help that I don't know who half of the new cast is, and the other half I don't find funny or likable. If they made Ghostbusters with the cast of Pretty Little Liars, I'd be so there. The acting, especially the comic timing, of those women is way better than it has any business being in a show called Pretty Little Liars. Somebody make this happen!

Feel Good Friday

I'm gonna have to revise my Supernatural playlist to 20 songs. I forgot some favorites! Here's one now.

a random mishmash of general things in my brain

1. Supernatural

Season 9 is worth watching just for Crowley. He's fun, and oddly compelling. Sam and Dean haven't been fun for like, 5 seasons now. I miss episodes ending with the Impala cruising down the highway and something like "All Right Now" playing. Rock n roll can still save your soul, is the message I took from that. But now every episode is "Sam and Dean have a midlife crisis. And there are angels and shit." When the bounciest part of your show is a demon, you might have some issues.

2. Social media, again

I, like many people, I expect, have a love/hate relationship with social media. (Except you, Blogger. That's pure love, baby.) One thing that strikes me is how funny people are on sites like twitter vs real life. I'd love to see more people being clever and interesting in real life, instead of talking about car mileage or stocks or whatever boring shit. So yes, I'm saying real life should be more like twitter. In a sense. God help me.

The beauty of the internet shows the failings of "real life" interaction, is what I'm saying. On the internet, you'd think everyone is into the nerdy shit you're into. Because it's so easy to find like-minded people. In real life, you'd think no one is into what you're into. It's hard to find like-minded people, or maybe people are just more themselves online. For every troll or bully that hides behind anonymity to do evil, there's probably like 5 people enjoying the freedom of being themselves behind that same anonymity. Which is great, but also sad. Imagine if we could be that way all the time? I mean, if everything in the "real" world is safe and bland, everything will continue to be safe and bland. I swear, this is the same reason shitty stuff becomes popular. Everyone has to "fit in" instead of just being their damn selves. So I love the internet for at least deconstructing that in one little corner of our lives.

And why does "fitting in" usually boil down to the lowest common denominator? It's like we're programmed to dumb ourselves down for consumption. So weird.

That said - here are two things I hate about social media. One, the addicting nature of it. When I'm indoors, I'm online most of the time. And I think that's okay. What's the difference between that and any other indoor activity like watching TV, etc? But when I go outside, the only technology I take with me is my iPod to listen to some sweet tunes. (And sometimes my camera, depending.) I am not "connected" when I go outside, and I don't want to be. As much as I enjoy it the rest of the time, the break is a breath of fresh air, literally. This is something we all need, I think. But what do I see every time we go for a walk? People on their phones. People texting. While running, while walking their dogs, probably while frigging white water rafting. If you're running in a park and talking on your damn phone, I better hear the words "BLOOD IS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE DEAR GOD HELP ME," or put the goddamn thing away.

Second, there's just too damn much of it. Instagram and snapsomething and facebook and twitter and tumblr and idk, flogger, and I'm like WHY DO YOU NEED SO MANY THINGERS?? It seems so narcissistic. I quit livejournal... said most people 5 years ago, but I just did recently. Whatever. So I replaced it with the much more active twitter. I'm choosy. I also don't have the need to splash myself all over the internet like a Kardashian wannabe. The fewer of these sites you're on, the less chance you have of ever posting a butt selfie, is what I'm saying. Control the machine.

3. Music

My whole life, up to about 5 years ago, I've been a radio person. I've liked the music that's popular, not because it was popular, but because I genuinely liked it and never really had to search for alternatives. When rock died out as a popular form (it hurts me to type that) and pop became increasingly canned and sterile, there was still plenty of popular country to like. And honestly, looking at this week's country chart, I think things are getting better. There's still crap, and stuff that isn't bad but just doesn't sound like country music, but I'm definitely seeing a change. Maybe I'll become a radio person again someday, at least country radio. Pop radio sounds more and more like walking into a club, and I fucking hate clubs.

There has also been a lot of controversy about artists played on country radio vs artists that aren't. The thing that drives me more crazy than anything is when an artist that makes radio-friendly, commercial-sounding music (in the good way) can't get airplay because they're not part of some fuck club or whatever. I've been listening to Aaron Watson (I had a few of his older songs already) and geez, this guy would have been all over radio in the 90s. He's great, and well-suited to a wide country audience. God, I feel like if George Strait came out today, he'd be one of those artists that "doesn't exist." It's kind of scary. There are several more "alternative" country artists I've given a listen, and while I recognize they're good musically, it's not something I'd listen to. It doesn't grab me. I like the radio-friendly sound. Not today's radio, not FGL FM ("All turd country, all the time!"), but what used to be radio-friendly. George Strait, Alan Jackson, Trisha Yearwood, etc.

So that's my goal right now. Find as many artists like that as I can, as well as mining for gold on the radio. It's not as rare as it was 2-3 years ago, so that's something. I believe I've written this before, but what the hell. The thing that drove me off country radio for good? Repeated playings of "Country Girl Shake it for Me." I think I sensed things were gonna get a lot worse. Now, I think things can only get better. Thank you, Howard Jones.

Supernatural playlist

This is a subject near and dear to me, since I'm pretty much Dean Winchester music-wise if he also listened to country. So here's my definitive top 15 Supernatural playlist, or the "Greatest Hits of Mullet Rock." Most of these bands were played more than once on the show, but I'm only picking one song each.

In no particular order til #1, cause #1 = duh.

15. Can't Find My Way Home - Blind Faith
14. Don't Look Back - Boston
13. Rock n Roll Never Forgets - Bob Seger
12. Burnin' For You - Blue Oyster Cult
11. Highway to Hell - AC/DC
10. Fight the Good Fight - Triumph
9. Shambala - Three Dog Night
8. Renegade - Styx
7. Fly By Night - Rush
6. Wheel in the Sky - Journey
5. Long, Long Way from Home - Foreigner
4. Long Train Runnin' - Doobie Brothers
3. Bad Moon Rising - CCR
2. Bad Company - Bad Company
1. Carry On Wayward Son - Kansas

Songs I'd love to hear on the show that haven't been played: Rock and Roll (Led Zeppelin), Hotel California

So that's what I'll be listening to as I slog through the last of winter, taking road trips (and slaying demons) in my mind. :)

I'd be remiss if I didn't write this here.

Today is a sad day to be a geek (even a semi-geek like me), but it's a happier time to be a geek, and that owes a great deal to Star Trek and Leonard Nimoy. RIP

Awesome Yahoo headline of the Day:

"Missing Log Cabin Found 3,750 Feet Away From Original Location"

Fabulous. I love that someone took the time to measure it.

I should really do a feel good Friday. Well, it's been a rough week. I'm gonna fill something very large with wine and drink it. We'll see what I come up with after that!

50 shades of puke is upon us, so I might just hide in my pop culture fallout shelter til it goes away.

I actually thought Twilight would be our literary limbo stick for how low it can go. Oh self of five years ago, how blissfully innocent you were. I envy you, I do.

I'm going to go watch a Friday the 13th movie.

Feel Good Friday

Like girly empowerment songs? Think "Shake it Off" sounds like a diss written by a homeschooled 11-year old? I present, One Girl Revolution.



"I christen you Titanic, underestimate and swim." Now THAT'S some good writin'.

I mean, here are the two top rap songs on Billboard right now.

Nicki Minaj, "Only"

Yo, I never fucked Wayne, I never fucked Drake
On my life, man, fuck's sake
If I did I menage with 'em and let 'em eat my ass like a cupcake
My man full, he just ate, I don't duck nobody but tape
Yeah, that was a set up for a punchline on duct tape
Worried 'bout if my butt's fake
Worry 'bout yall niggas, us straight
These girls are my sons, John and Kate plus eight
When I walk in, sit up straight, I don't give a fuck if I was late
Dinner with my man on a G5 is my idea of an update
Hut one, hut two, big bitties, big butt too
Fuck with them real niggas who don't tell niggas what they up to

I think my computer just got an STD from copy/pasting that. THANKS.

Big Sean, "I Don't Fuck With You"

I don't fuck with you
You little stupid ass bitch, I ain't fuckin' with you
You little, you little dumb ass bitch, I ain't fuckin' with you
I got a million trillion things I'd rather fuckin' do
Than to be fuckin' with you
Little stupid ass, I don't give a fuck, I don't give a fuck
I don't I don't I don't give a fuck
Bitch I don't give a fuck about you or anything that you do
Don't give a fuck about you or anything that you do

JESUS SPELUNKING CHRIST. What planet am I on??

I think the problem is self-evident. I know not all rap is like this, but this is what gets popular for whatever reason. Kids like to cruise around the 'burbs pumping this shit to annoy their neighbors and feel cool? I guess.

We have more swagga than you, old man raking your leaves!

I'm not familiar with Kendrick Lamar, who actually won the rap Grammy. I don't follow hip-hop. I'm not seeing him anywhere in the top 100 though, and holy shit, Shake it Off and All About that Bass are still in the top 15. SOMEBODY REBOOT THE CHARTS! I'm guessing since he has a normal name and not something like Big Floopy or Thug the Dragon, he's a Serious Rapper. Maybe the fact that he didn't perform at the Grammys is the sign of a real problem. Or maybe his favorite show was on that night and his DVR was broken so he was like, "Nah." Or he had a hot date. Both of those things are probably more important than the Grammys, in the long run.

A few positives on the charts:

Nice to see Ashley Monroe's name, even if it's with Blake Shelton. I'm more pissed at Blake Shelton for not being part of the solution than for being part of the problem, honestly. At least he's a good singer.

Randy Houser's Like a Cowboy is in the hot 100! I love that song! That means country radio is playing an actual country song!! Dare I say, YEEHAW?

Zac Brown Band is there too!

#67, however, is something called "Throw Sum Mo" by *ahem* Rae Sremmurd Featuring Nicki Minaj & Young Thug. Oh who cares, it's being beaten out by Randy "voice that proves there's a God" Houser! So neener neener, Rae Sremmurd!

Weekend wrap up, and a newbie's thoughts on twitter

1. Winter is still cold. Weekend wrap up, achieved.

2. Twitter is not the devil, except when it is.

I remember dismissing twitter when I first heard of it, just because I'm not normally a 140-character kind of gal. I HAVE SHIT TO SAY, SON. Over the years I got the impression that its target demographic was, y'know, fetus, like most things these days. And people who care about shit like who got voted off Bachelor Island. (That exists, right? If there are Sandwich Islands, there can be Bachelor Islands.) And yeah, I dedicated like a year of this blog to Toddlers & Tiaras, but that was the funnest thing to riff on ever. I didn't actually care what happened to those people.

Then last month the big shake up at channel awesome happened, and I wanted to know what was going on besides the insultingly vague two sentences they put up on the site. (Basically, "These people are gone. We wish them well." Damn, that's a cold-ass honkey. And not in a good way.) Anyway, I started reading their tweets, and saw some of those fun hashtag games, but every time I was about to sign up I saw some stupid garbage crap and fled. I fled like the time I walked into an "Irish pub" and they were playing Britney Spears instead of fucking bagpipes.

But I bit the bullet and signed up, cause there was a blizzard so obviously. First day or so after, one of the trending topics is about 80s songs. COULD YOU LOB THE BALL ANY MORE DIRECTLY INTO MY WHEELHOUSE, TWITTER? And yeah, there's stupid shit I've gotta work to avoid, and 15-year olds who don't know who Beck is, but like everything in life, you've just gotta do your thing and ignore the crap. I give it 3 1/2 out of five stars, would tweet again.

3. I was gonna write something about Chipper Jones here, but it depresses me too much. I don't expect my favorite athletes to possess great intelligence - I saw Curt Schilling on Jeopardy, after all - but I do expect them to not be batshit stupid.

4. What else was I mulling over... oh, yeah. I don't wanna write nerdy blog post #2736475858575757 about Guardians of the Galaxy, so instead I'll write nerdy blog post #475767567 about the Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack. I don't know if it should, but its popularity gives me some hope about the future of pop music. I'm not saying artists need to make music that sounds like the 70s or 80s (unless they're Bruno Mars), just make music that sounds like music. Let's make an Awesome Mix of today that people will still want to listen to in 30 years. That should be the number one goal of every artist right now: "Is this Awesome Mix material?" Or is this about Nicki Minaj's butt? Sorry, try again!

I think butt songs are pop music's version of bro country. I like Baby Got Back, but that's it. We only needed one butt song. I guess by that standard, we need one bro-country song as well. Hmmm... I guess I'll let "Cruise" live, just because it's not so much harmful in itself as for what it has brought upon us.

It's winter in Canada - and boy is it ever - so I'm pretty damn happy to have social media right now. Otherwise I'd have to, idk, knit socks or gossip or play the harpsichord all day. Whatever people in Jane Austen novels did.

Because I have to come down from my high horse sometimes (I'm coming at you like a high horse! ... yup, still makes more sense than "Dark Horse"), here's where I share my own musical shame. This is not what I consider "good" music, but we all have our guilty pleasures. I've already admitted to "Timber," so what could possibly be worse than that?

Two of last year's hits that have grown on me feature Iggy Azalea.

I don't... I just... look, she's not even a bad rapper, technically. I mean staying on the beat-wise, she's pretty good. And I hate what I'm about to say because it sounds like I'm throwing on the "She's WHITE!" dogpile. I don't think I am, because I recognize there are white people who rap and sound natural doing so. Eminem, the Beastie Boys, Macklemore, even Gwen Stefani on Hollaback Girl (another guilty pleasure).

Iggy Azalea isn't terrible, really. She's just... the high school drama department of rapping. She's not bad at playing a rapper, much like the girl who played Eliza Doolittle in your school's production of My Fair Lady and did a pretty serviceable Cockney accent, considering she's from Cedar Rapids, Iowa. But she still wasn't Julie Andrews, and you knew it. She clearly studied the part, but it never feels like anything other than a performance.

So my guilty enjoyment of "Fancy" and "Problem" is really more in spite of her. Fancy is all Charli XCX. Seriously, I think she's awesome and I hope she gets more good material like "Boom Clap" so she can come into her own. Problem... hmm. What is it about Problem? Ariana Grande is okay, decent voice, don't really get much personality from her. Seems like just another Disney Action Figure Pop Star™ (Action Microphone™ and Action Ponytail Scrunchie™ sold separately). So it's not Ariana. Oh wait, I know what it is. The chorus is a KILLER HORN RIFF! Oh my god, I love that thing. And yeah, there's a similar and also awesome riff on Jason Derulo's "Talk Dirty To Me, Differently-Raced Girl," but that song and "artist" are reprehensible even by guilty pleasure standards.

At least I can safely say I didn't enjoy the 27th Iggy Azalea song this year, Black Widow. It's basically Dark Horse with a somewhat more coherent metaphor. It's still awful.

So in short:

GOOD

AWESOME

Got lead in all-white school's "A Tribute to Missy Elliott"; didn't completely embarrass herself

I expect both songs will have worn on me and be completely gone by Easter.

Also: seriously, Taylor Swift?? You do realize Lady Gaga, the one popstar I come dangerously close to enjoying, said "This beat is sick" about 50 times in Love Game, right? What will you try to trademark next, "I wanna take a ride on your disco stick?" The number "22?" The word "mine?" The word "the?" Tim McGraw (the actual human being, not the song)?

What happened to "timeless," anyway? So many of today's "artists" who have had multiple hits still feel like flash in the pans, because their music is so forgettable. Disposable. Who's the last really timeless pop artist? Mariah Carey, maybe? It's certainly not a word that comes to mind when I think of Flo Rida, or Kesha, or Maroon5, or the Black Eyed Peas. Is there anyone making hits in the last 5-10 years who qualifies? I can't think of any. That's kind of a big sign something's wrong, because most decades have had several.

It's no wonder things seem more disposable; culture keeps skewing younger and younger. This is what happens when 13-year olds run the world. It's like having a diet of mostly Skittles.

Remember the good old days of... last week?

Let's start with the song Automatic, by Miranda Lambert. I've probably pounded to death how much I like and relate to this song, so I'm not focusing on that. The question is, WHY do I miss making mixtapes off the radio? The sound quality was atrocious, the dj always cut into the song, and sometimes you had to wait up all night for them to play the song you wanted. Why the hell is iTunes NOT better than that??

The answer is, it is better. In every way except you can't draw little heart doodles on the label. Miranda's point is, things that take more effort give you a greater sense of accomplishment than things that come easy. They have more personal value. And I don't know anyone who would argue that. But why do I have such nostalgia for things that are less convenient? Isn't that sort of, I dunno, crazy?

Why do I wish I still had a VCR, and my little rows of alphabetized cassettes on a shelf and even a record player?* Is it because they're somehow more real, more present than digital things? Is it because life was simpler back then, if not more convenient, and I love me some simplicity? Well, I think it's all those things, but it's also just the giant Snuggie that is nostalgia. Because if I really wanted to, I could go out and buy a VCR and all my favorite 80s movies on tape, I could rebuy all my Madonna and Go-Go's cassettes, god knows they'd be cheap enough. I could certainly buy a record player, that's even a thing that people do. I think. But I don't, because I know it wouldn't be the same as when viewed through nostalgia goggles, and I don't want to ruin that. Everyone has "good old days," fuck, today will be someone's "good old days," and if that thought isn't enough to make you want to unplug everything and run screaming into the woods, I don't know what is.

*having popular music on vinyl predates me, the only vinyl I owned was the Smurfs and songs about choo-choo trains. But vinyl is the one "outdated" medium I would consider owning now, because that earthy scratch of a record is just so inviting and intrinsic to music. Which is why the sound has been reproduced digitally many times.

But here's the other thing I've noticed, the thing that actually scares me and why I'm often so resistant to newness and change. Now there have been always been catalysts that have caused sudden, drastic shifts in popular culture. Movies. Television. Rock music, one of the single most sweeping and amazing changes to ever happen culturally. I mean, one day everyone was listening to Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney (yes, I totally googled that) and then Rock Around the Clock came out and it was like BLAM! Once rock hit, it just dominated. I wasn't around then obviously, but the billboard charts tell the story. Oh yeah, the billboard charts actually meant doodley-shit back then, too.

And rock, in varying incarnations, was pretty huge for the next 50 years. From Bill Haley and Elvis to the Beatles and Stones to Led Zeppelin and Deep Purple to Journey and Rush to Bon Jovi and Metallica to Nirvana and Soundgarden to the Killers and the White Stripes. Whew. AND SCREW YOU NICKLEBACK.

Did Nickleback kill rock? That's a discussion for another time. From what I can see, rock and roll has been replaced by computer music. Tom Petty said all this very eloquently in an article so I'm not going to dwell on it. What I'm talking about is the sudden, rapid change in culture that happened in the 2000s, and why I feel it's having a negative impact. (Unlike the positive impact I think rock music, tv, etc. had on culture for the most part.)

I grew up in the 80s. I love 80s music, especially the early and middle parts of the decade. The late 80s actually sucked for popular music, which is why I got into "college rock" and, eventually, country. I loved a lot of 90s music. Basically I was into any music that someone of my generation would be expected to be into, from Madonna to REM to Nirvana to Garth Brooks. I was into ALL of it, not just one genre. But, I was also really really into my PARENTS' generation's music. I LOVED 50s music, from the first note of Rock Around the Clock to the smoky romanticness of The Platters. I loved really popular stuff like Elvis and Buddy Holly and I found some kind of obscure stuff from back then I enjoyed too.



How the hell many people of my generation would know this? I freaking LOVE this, for the record. How about this early 60s gem?



There's a more famous version of that by the Dave Clark Five, which is also wonderful and a bit more rockin', but I slightly prefer this original version. Anyway, I'm a huge music dork. That's beside the point. The point is, the 50s and 60s are so far removed from me, that by modern standards it makes no sense for me to relate them musically. But I do, and I don't know anyone from my generation and even younger that doesn't like at least some music from the 50s, 60s, and 70s. There was crap then like there's crap now, but holy crap there was less of it and the classics from back then were just that. TIMELESS. So this 80s/90s girl loves 50s/60s/70s music as though it were my own. You could just say, well that music was really GOOD. And it was. I mean, "The Beatles were GOOD" is not exactly stunning musical commentary. So what else?

Skip to today, or maybe like the mid-2000s. Whenever people stopped listening to the Killers and started listening to no-talent crap like Jason Derulo and the Pussycat Dolls. (Jesus Christ, if I had to pick one least favorite artist of all time, it would have to be the Pussycat Dolls. Even more so than Britney Spears. Both represent everything I hate, music that is both morally and musically bankrupt, but PCD was like having multiple Britney Spearses simpering at you. EURRRRRGGGHHH.) That horrible little time in music when rock let out a sad death rattle (that's the sound of Fall Out Boy, by the way), and country started veering dangerously into stupid (which has of course come to full fruition).

So we're talking about a 10-year window in music here, why is that such a big deal? Well, because I hardly like any popular music anymore, not pop, country, anything. I don't relate to it. 1955 I relate to, but 2015 not at all. You see the problem here? I refuse to believe it's because I've aged 10 years. I've always been very open to music, I LOVE music and I want it to be happy! I even liked mainstream rap at first, before it decided to get all stupid and misogynistic and violent and gross. No, the problem is, TIME SHOULDN'T MOVE THIS FAST. Soon we'll no longer be measuring things by decades but by years. Months. "Ah, November of 2018, what a great time that was!"

I think this is why more and more people are putting on their nostalgia goggles these days, and they're doing it younger and younger. We need to slow down with all the electronic everything. It's desensitizing. It's disconcerting. It's dehumanizing. Some of it is fine, but please don't let it take over everything so fast, just because it's easier and today's kids don't know any better. That sells everyone out short. In this 10 year window, I feel like Chef Boyardee music and CGI and insane amounts of social media have become like kudzu. It completely took over the landscape.

Agh no, my HOUSE! I was using that!

Just remember, as I so eloquently wrote a few years ago, STUFF SHOULD SMELL LIKE SOMETHING. Is it any coincidence that smell is so intrinsically tied into memories and nostalgia? Stuff should also FEEL like something, like you can hold it in your actual hand. Senses are part of how infants learn to relate to the world, and if half of our senses fall into misuse, what does that make us?

On the subject of social media, I'm actually not allowed to have an Instagram because I don't have a phone, only a laptop. Apparently just having a laptop is not being fully plugged into the collective, nope, you have to have a damn phone even if you hate talking on the phone and never do so. Wait, do people use their phones to actually talk on anymore? Right, only while driving in rush hour traffic and during the most pivotal scene of a movie you're trying to watch. Ok.

Anyway, at least I can still be a technological curmudgeon on that point. Whew, I guess? Honestly, I have no idea why I'd boast about being any sort of curmudgeon. Do I think I'm "special?" Ugh. Am I a hipster? No, I don't know many hipsters who listen to Brooks and Dunn and Reba McEntire unironically. Or even ironically. That would be like me listening to Luke Bryan ironically. I think? I have no freaking idea. I think the source of my curmudgeonliness is those damn kids on my lawn with their phones best described by a Dierks Bentley song title. I'd settle for a slowdown. Because things are moving ENTIRELY TOO DAMN FAST. I remember old bumper stickers, probably from the 80s, that said "stop the world, I want to get off!" And never has that been more relevant.

So I think that explains my resistance to these things that I feel have taken over the lives of our current generation (I did not use a Borg reference earlier by accident). Someone has to lay on the brakes, however ineffectively. This brings me to a post I've been wanting to make for a while, so I'm going to do that separately. TO THE NOSTALGIAMOBILE!

So yes, I have a twitter now. It will be random nonsense so basically, the same as anyone else's twitter. Why did I do this again?

https://twitter.com/emperorcupcake2

When I'm stuck inside for too many days, it sort of feels like I'm turning into a shadow. Like I could just fade into a corner somewhere and disappear.

I think my seasonal depression has officially entered the long dark teatime of the soul.

"In the end, it was the Sunday afternoons he couldn't cope with, and that terrible listlessness which starts to set in at about 2:55, when you know that you've had all the baths you can usefully have that day, that however hard you stare at any given paragraph in the papers you will never actually read it, or use the revolutionary new pruning technique it describes, and that as you stare at the clock the hands will move relentlessly on to four o'clock, and you will enter the long dark teatime of the soul.”

- Douglas Adams

That is EVERY DAY of winter here, not just Sunday.

Murr.

OMG THEY PLAYED THE SUPER BOWL IN THE GRAND CANYON.

Or at least you'd think they did, judging by all the shots of it. We get it, Arizona is like, the Grand Canyon and nothing.

I love how Bill Belichick looks like grumpy Frankenstein, no matter what's going on in the game or, presumably, his life.

Touchdown?

Fumble?

Somebody breaks their leg, and it's a gusher?

Wife makes delicious pasta dinner?

Wife makes terrible pasta dinner?

Perhaps the man has a deep inner well of emotions. Perhaps he has indigestion. We may never know. But for what it's worth, congrats to the Pats, who were actually my first football team before I became a Green Bay fan.

Also, I must applaud Katy Perry for her theatricism (yes that's a word). I glanced up at the dancing sharks and palm trees and said, "what the fuck am I looking at?" which means she struck gold because most of these things just make me yawn. That said, I would have still rather watched Kitty Purry play with a piece of string for 20 minutes, because I'm me.

I've just signed up for twitter, this time with the purpose of actually using it to follow cool people. This will either enrich my life, or be my version of jumping the shark. In the wise words of Asia, only time will tell.

I mean feck, I'm still not completely sold on facebook and I've had one of those since 2008. Because part of me just wants to live in a tree.

Having listened to (and immediately downloaded) Shakira's "Can't Remember to Forget You," I'm totally replacing Sam Hunt with it in my list of songs I liked. While I do think "Leave the Night On" is a good song for what it is, Sam Hunt trying to pass himself off as country makes me want to punch him in the face too much.

So not looking forward to the deflated mess of a Super Bowl tomorrow. I'm instead going to watch the alternate version in my head, where the Packers win 57-2 and Aaron Rodgers takes me to Disneyland.

Headline of the Day:

"Tiger Woods, Robert Allenby stick to disputed stories"

http://www.bostonglobe.com/sports/2015/01/28/notebook-tiger-woods-robert-allenby-stick-disputed-stories/eaXsq4LNzpWT5KeccIx1tI/story.html

Clearly, Robert Allenby flew to wherever-they-have-ski-races-land and punched Tiger Woods in the face. Duh.

Golf is a dangerous world, man.

Thing #1 I love about Pretty Little Liars: Spencer keeps bolt cutters in her car.

Thing #2: Creepy abandoned ice cream factory!

Thing #3: Aria being Very Serious while her Giant Feather Earrings threaten to consume her face.

Thing #4: Ashley saying "I make bad choices" while I try to not make "DURRRRRRRR" noises at my computer screen.

Thing #5: Emily beating the shit out of said ice cream factory with a wrench.

Oh! Harvard sort of rhymes with "swiss chard."

I wasn't up all night trying to think of that at all.

I think my favorite one I came up with, while I was totally being productive doing other things and not just thinking about vegetables, is "cuke" for "Duke." Cause I love me some cucumber salad, especially during march madness, amirite? I'll bust your brackets, like a dark horse! Oh dear god, I'm on the nonsensical metaphor merry-go-round, and we've just come full circle!

CUKE.

Also, it seems I can't escape kale today. "Winter is coming, so Northeasteners are frantically hoarding kale" was the tagline for this article: http://www.vox.com/2015/1/25/7898327/east-coast-blizzard Apparently New Englanders are all about organic crunchiness, which is hilarious because when I lived in Mass it was all about pizza and Dunkin Donuts. Maybe DD makes a kale coolatta (kalelotta?) these days. Who knows.

I actually like kale. The word is starting to lose all meaning, though. I'm going to go outside.

So it's like Yale, except kale. Gotcha. Possibly the most random thing I've ever heard. Can we turn other Ivy league schools into fruits and vegetables? Let's see!

Harvard - nope
Dartmouth - nope
Brown - um... hmm, nope
Princeton - fuck nope
Cornell - corn! ...ell :(
Columbia - rutabaga...? nope
Penn - oh come on, something must rhyme with Penn... ken... men... zen... well, damn

Kale it is then! Wait, what was the question?

Oh it's a vegan thing, I guess. Well, fuck that shit. *EATS CHEESEBURGER IN CAPSLOCK*

Why is everyone wearing shirts that say "kale?" Should I be sporting a lettuce hat, or possibly a beet belt? Think of it, a giant belt buckle saying "BEETS." This could be huge. Makes as much goddamn sense as anything else these days. :P

I think I'll stick with my cheesehead.

Oh my sweet lord...

the cat photo Debbie Downer comments strike again! Seriously, internet. Just fucking seriously. This is at the top of my FB feed this very minute.

Here's the photo:

Yeah, I lol'd. Then I saw this, very first comment: "Why not use some common sense and buy multiple kitty litter boxes?" WAH WAH :(. At least one guy had the perfect response: "cause its a joke........" I can see him rolling his eyes with each extra ellipsis. Well done, sir. But the original commenter?

WAH WAH
Thanks for trying to ruin my day, or at least the part of my day spent viewing amusing cat photos which is yeah, pretty much my day. I think I'm learning to laugh at these people rather than be annoyed by them. Success!

(click on the tag if you have no idea what I'm talking about ;p)

#ExplainThe90sIn4Words

Word to your mother.

(I don't have twitter.)

Actually, "I don't have twitter" is my #explainthe2010sin4words.

Well I once signed up for twitter, never logged in again, forgot all my information, and am too lazy to try to remember it. But that's too many words.

Correction

I misquoted Jason Derulo's masterpiece "Trumpets" in one of my previous entries by using the word "boobs." The actual line is,

"Is it weird that your bra
Remind me of a Katy Perry song?"

WHY YES THAT IS WEIRD, YOU FUCKING WEIRDO.

You know what it is? You know what just hit me, right now, as I typed out the name Jason Derulo? What really sucks so bad about popular music right now is how much better it could be. Maybe that sounds obvious, but it's like, all these "artists" are coasting through on straight Ds. Why doesn't anyone try to get A material out of them, or at least Bs? I refuse to believe this is the best professional musicians can offer us. Maybe it's the best Jason Derulo can offer, but he's symptomatic of a larger problem. When we don't require actual talent out of our celebrities, some talentless ones get in because the bar's set so low.

But I think most of these people have more in them than the lazy output we see. TRY HARDER.

I haven't been much of a "fan" of current music artists for a long time. By fan, I mean being REALLY REALLY INTO particular artists like I was back in the 80s and 90s. (Madonna and Garth Brooks come to mind.)

The one exception to that is Miranda Lambert. Except for "Somethin' Bad," which I feel is an overblown shouting mess, I've liked all her hit songs. She also has some wonderful album cuts, like "Mama I'm Alright" and "Same Ol' You," and some of her best work with the Pistol Annies. Her latest album, Platinum, isn't perfect, but I feel that's mostly due to having too many damn songs on it. I liked it much better when albums had 10-12 songs and less filler. But, whatever. It's still some of the best country I've heard in a while and there are a lot of strong songs.

I've written about "Automatic" several times here, as it's one of the most relatable songs I've ever heard. I love it. "Somethin' Bad" was a major disappointment, as I enjoy both Miranda and Carrie separately, but not together. It's not really a surprise that it comes off as two big voices trying to outsing each other, even if they weren't. And now there's a third single, "Little Red Wagon."

Okay. My second-favorite cut on Platinum is "Hard Staying Sober."

"Why you think the world drinks?
Why you think the world smokes?
Why you think we all sit around and tell a bunch of dirty jokes?

Somebody somewhere is out having a ball
And somebody’s laying around heartbroke
Why you think we all drink
Why you think we all smoke"

It's fantastic, seriously. It should be a country classic. So I was pretty disappointed it wasn't the third single and hope it will still be released, cause it deserves a mass audience.

That said, Little Red Wagon has grown on me. It's a very in-your-face kind of song, like Somethin' Bad, and I think something a bit lower-key between the two might have been a better choice. But it's pretty hard to fault the energy of this song. Miranda is obviously having a blast, and it's infectious.



Miranda is at Full Miranda in this song (Miranda Level 10?), and it comes across as refreshing because of the arrangement and instrumentation. I mean, "Miranda being sassy!" isn't exactly something new. But this is. It's also a song that requires multiple listens to get into I think, because when I first heard it I was like... "huh?" But I get it now. Its raw energy, and instrumentation that's kinda messy yet tight and restrained enough to not be too out of hand, reminds me of garage rock. So I'm calling it "garage country."

One thing that stood out to me on first listen: the riff reminds me of this.



And that's not a bad thing. In a time of a lot of barely-there music, "Little Red Wagon" has plenty of there-ness. Butplease, release "Hard Staying Sober" next. It's just the best.

Here's something else I just noticed (probably because this is the only time of the year I actually listen to current music, before scurrying back to a more pleasing decade. I'd rather listen to a medley of my old camp songs than most of this shit): anyway... do people, like, HATE their relationships now?

Seriously, what happened to love songs? "All of Me" is pretty much... all of it. NO I'M NOT COUNTING THE UNDERWEAR SONG, DAMMIT.

Scanning some lists, the songs seem to be primarily about the following:

1. Ending relationships, with the subgenre "escaping from your horrible ex." This is YOUR doing, isn't it, Taylor Swift?

I've got one less problem without you! These hoes ain't loyal! Let it go! Let her go! This is the part where I break free! (Damn, Ariana Grande really hates relationships) What doesn't kill you makes you stronger! (Okay, that was like 3 years ago, but still) Hell, is "Happy" about getting out of a bad relationship too? "Because I'm happyyy yyyyy yyyy I never have to see you again, bitch!"

2. Boasting

I'm so fancy! I'm gonna shake off the haters with my mighty giggle! This is how we do! This is how we roll! I'm all about that bass! He love dis fat ass HAHAHAHAAHHQAAAAAa@%&snmAAAAH! Presumably anything by 2 Chainz since his name is a boast of how many chainz he possesses! Presumably about half the rap songs on the chart! Started from the bottom now I'm fucking here!

3. I'm a horrible person, let's hook up! (Or alternately, I'm an animal that will kill you!)

Animals! (that was literal) I'm a black widow baby! I'm coming at you like a dark horse! (which is apparently something that will eat you, and not an underdog ncaa team) Got a long list of ex-lovers, they'll tell you I'm insane! I came in like a wrecking ball! Don't get too close, it's where my demons hide! Because I'm happyyyy yyyyyy yyyy! (oh wait, wrong section)

4. Really unsexy sex

Talk dirty to me, differently-raced girl! Lying nekkid in my bed, burnin it down! Stick my pink umbrella in your vagina, I mean drink! Your boobs remind me of a katy perry song! (what???) You know what to do with that big fat butt! Bang bang all over you! (dear god, they're beating him with a hammer! maybe that one belongs in theme #3 instead)

5. Cheating

These hoes ain't loyal (again)! Don't tell em, don't tell em! You caught me cheating on my phone, oops oh shit!

6. Partying

Meh nothing new there, though I think there's less of it than usual. Sadly, this is my favorite of the themes so far. I'm yelling Timber!

7. Whatever the hell "Hot Nigga" is

I'm gonna file it under "boasting," to save me the trouble of having to listen to it.

8. Whatever the hell "Rude" is

I guess this is a love song? One that focuses on the guy's relationship with the girl's... father and his purported rudeness, which isn't actually rude, thus negating the entire point of the song? Fuck, I have no idea why this song exists or why it was popular.

9. Whatever the hell "Show Me" is

This song seems to be about absolutely nothing, so I'm just gonna go with "rejected state song of Missouri."

10. Aaaaand whatever the hell "Turn Down for What" is

I don't know what this is to be able to talk about it. I don't even understand the title. Well done!

Not every song is "I hate love," but there is a staggeringly low number of actual love songs. So yeah, I think that explains the hugeness of John Legend this year. If you actually like your significant other, IT WAS THE ONLY SONG TO PLAY FOR THEM. Well played, John Legend. And I think Pharrell's the only one who's happy, cause everyone else seems really fucked up and miserable.

Okay, one more roundup of 2014 before we run headlong into this new year of crap, I mean hope. Hope. Yes.

I just listened to pieces of the top 100 songs of 2014. I had never heard about 60% of these songs before so it might be unfair to judge them based on a soundbite, but I'm not listening to a bunch of shitty songs all the way through. So instead, I'm gonna focus on the songs I liked.

There's about 5 of them.

Maybe 6 or 7.

Out of 100.

3 of them are country.

1 of them is country, but not really.

1 of them is not country, but kind of is.

Okay, maybe it's more like 10?

Oh, and I'm not counting stuff I already said I liked last year, like those Imagine Dragons songs. Seriously, haven't "Demons" and "Radioactive" been on the charts for like 3 years now?

Okay, let's roll! *cough* In order of their chart position, not mine:

1. Timber - I'm sorry, I just love how catchy and fun this is! I'm allowed to have fun! *cries*
2. Pompeii - Holy FUCK is this good. What's this doing on a list of hit songs of 2014? That's like putting caviar in a corn dog.
3. Habits - This has a kind of soaring melancholy, like "Video Games." I wouldn't listen to this often, but I do think it's a good song.
4. Boom Clap - This is a really nice straightforward pop song, and Charli XCX has a good voice. Not just good, but interesting. The song is nothing earth-shaking, but pop music doesn't have to be earth-shaking to be enjoyed.
5. Burn - Another song so good, it really sticks out like a sore thumb on this list. Or a... non-sore thumb. A perfectly healthy thumb. Yes, that's what this song is.
6. Hey Brother - Well, I guess this is the other thumb. Also, one of the most country-sounding songs on the list to me, despite being EDM. It has country soul. This is a pretty amazing song.
7. Dirt - the best designated "country" song on the list. What an odd little blip in FGL's career. I actually thought this signified a turning point for them. Ha! Ha! Oh well, I still enjoy it.
8. American Kids - I've liked Kenny Chesney from day one, and I always will. This is actually a pretty strong song for so late in his career. Good summer fun, cause yes, I do enjoy such things when they're done right.
9. Leave the Night On - Okay. Make no mistake, this is NOT a country song. It's a pop song. That doesn't mean I can't like it though, cause it's actually one of the better pop songs of the year. EDIT: NOPE. My favorite song of the year was actually "Come with Me Now."
10. I Don't Dance - Again, nothing earth-shaking, but a good solid country song.

That doesn't mean I hate the rest of the top 100. Some, like "All of Me," I respect for making the effort to be actual songs, they just leave me kinda "meh." I have no issue with "Happy," or "Counting Stars," or "Problem." A few on the list might warrant further listens (like, of the whole song), such as Shakira. Some I'm just gonna pass over, as I'm clearly not the target audience for "Hot Nigga." Um, you just go do that, sir. Godspeed.

If I had to pick an 11, it would be, of all things, Drunk on a Plane. My initial distaste for this song was based on two things. One, I really like Dierks Bentley and he's done much better. Two, that stupid "like a G6" line. Why would you pick such a nothing pop song to quote, and put it in your chorus no less?! But that's a dumb reason to hate a whole song.

The fact that "Dark Horse" is the number two song OF THE YEAR is just... well, fitting actually. Cause it's a piece of shit. At least I get the appeal of say, "Fancy" or "Shake it Off." They're catchy. Dark Horse is just nothing. In the year of barely-there, it was the most non-present of all. So goodbye, 2014. You will not be missed. At least until this time next year, when I talk about how much worse 2015 was.

Because I'm happyyyy... yyy... yyy... yyy.

Actually, one of my favorite songs is No Doubt's "Just a Girl." I'm complicated, I guess. Or I just like the sound of certain music. Whatever. Onward!



This is sheer brilliance from start to finish. I love when someone who actually has an audience says what I'm thinking. Tears of unbridled amusement rolled down my face when he got to the avocado sandwich. A WHOLE PAGE ON HOW TO PUT A GODDAMN AVOCADO IN A SANDWICH. OMG. Dying.

This controversy (?) really illustrates what I hate about the social media age: a celebrity puff piece in one of those supermarket checkout impulse-buy mags being treated as SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS. Seriously, NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE SOMETHING. Can't some things just... be? This goes for music, movies, whatever. Must everything be fraught with socio-political nuance, 24 hours a day? Does it really enrich your life to be offended by something so small? If you don't like it, make a joke about it. At least that contributes something to the world besides shampoo rhetoric (lather, rinse repeat). Doesn't it get tiring to have opinions about everything, all the time?

Okay, back to talking about pop music. Specifically... this. Brace yourself.



I have Todd in the Shadows' top 10 worst list to thank for this atrocity, as I'm old enough to be able to avoid such things otherwise. Look, I am NOT a boy band fan. I don't like One Direction, never got into BSB or NKotB. It all seems too mass-produced to me, like I can picture them rolling down the assembly line. But this is just a whole new level of ridiculous. Actually, no, no, it isn't. Remember this little late 90s gem?



Did the world really need an updated version of "I like girls who wear Abercrombie & Fitch?" I mean, leaving the word "underwear" hanging out there is creepy and awkward enough without the product placement. But that sends it to a level of stupid specificness that even Pat "my heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest" Monahan would roll his eyes at. "TOO FAR, MAN!" Exclaims Mr. Two-Ply Hefty Bag of Love. "That's just embarrassing."

2014 was mostly the year of barely-there music. The kind you forget while you're still listening to it. Will pop and country music just keep getting more generic, or is there a breaking point coming? I mean, my favorite pop song of the year was "Timber." Really. At least it bothered to show up.

Yahoo Headline of the Day:

"Boy who claimed he had been to heaven retracts story, bestselling book is pulled"

"Spokesman Todd Starowitz of Tyndale House, a leading Christian publisher, confirmed Friday that Alex Malarkey's "The Boy Who Came Back from Heaven: A Remarkable Account of Miracles, Angels, and Life Beyond This World" was being withdrawn. Earlier this week, Malarkey acknowledged in an open letter that he was lying, saying that he had been seeking attention. He also regretted that "people had profited from lies."

So... it was all a bunch of malarkey? *cough*

Yes I wrote this so I could make that stupid joke. SOMEBODY HAD TO OK.

*serious alert*

I made a commitment to myself a couple years ago to purge unneeded negativity from my life. As in, if it doesn't affect me personally or I can't do anything to help, I don't want to hear about it. I avoid the news like the plague, aside from occasional silly things to make fun of and, rarely, things that actually enrich my life.

Does this mean I'm choosing to be ignorant of the world around me? No. Obviously I see the big headlines. I know what's going on. I think the reason that I, and so many others, choose not to focus on it is we don't know what the fuck to do about it. Stewing about things you can't change can lead dangerously close to insanity. Some people are callous and uncaring but most of us, I think, are just baffled and helpless. Is this our world? How did we get here? What can we do to change it?

Ordinary folks aren't in a position to do much, if anything, about the major ills of the world. The greed, the fear, the fanaticism, the power trips, the indifference of those who can affect change. I can't turn outward, so I turn inward. I ask what I can do to improve the world, or at least my part of it. So I make yummy food. I remember to say "thank you." I adopt shelter cats. I treat people equally, regardless of race, gender, orientation, religion, etc. Everyone should do what they can, and not stew over what they can't. If you let the world's problems get to you too much, it will overwhelm you to the point you no longer even practice simple kindnesses, because what does it matter right? There's "just too much injustice in the world."

But it does matter. What I mean is, the desire to be "informed" can have just the opposite effect. Great quantities of horrible don't make you a better, more informed person, they make you desensitized. The brain's "immune system" will shut down in an attempt to purge the toxins. Suddenly you're in a depressed stupor, or getting high every day, or dear God, listening to like, Jason Derulo or Iggy Azalea songs just to escape. It takes the try out of you, and that's the worst thing of all. YOU DO MATTER.

I'm not saying don't care. Do care, but in a way that doesn't make you go crazy. Even just not being a douchebag is a start. It certainly won't get you on 24 hr cable news, and that's a good thing. I mean jesus, we have a new tragedy pounded into our heads all day, every day. It's like world war or the plague breaks out every single day of our lives, the way they go on. Yeah, a lot of tragic shit is going on but GAWD, do we need to hear that much about it? No wonder so many people are on depression and anxiety meds. TURN THAT SHIT OFF. And do something positive, for great justice.

Much randomness!

1. My burrito story

I am, at my core, a girl who enjoys a giant fat burrito. I am not ashamed of this. I'd probably eat a huge burrito every day if I could, perhaps alternated with cheeseburgers, pizza, swiss chalet chicken, and tiramisu (cuz I'm classy like that). So I take my burritozilla and bags of dollar store goodies and head into the Safeway Starbucks for a salted caramel yummy thing. Realizing I can't really lug everything + the coffee cup home with me (just the burrito was weighing me down), I sat down to eat at Starbucks. This quickly became surreal, at least in my mind. As I consumed the doom burrito, it began to split apart at the seams. IT LITERALLY COULD NOT CONTAIN ITSELF. I was immediately reminded why I usually do these things in the privacy of my home. So there I am, burrito juice spilling down my hands in all its glory, and I have to think fast. Be ashamed of my public gluttony, or be proud? And by God I chose pride. I am a little, barely 5'2" woman and I consumed that entire thing. It took me about 20 minutes, but I did it!

THE END.

Also? That moment you realize you'll be taking your salted caramel beverage home, because you want to lick the remaining salt out of the cup. Like I said, #classy.

2. Channelawesome.com (formerly that guy with the glasses)

A couple years ago, I stumbled onto an internet music reviewer called Todd in the Shadows while doing research for one of my music posts (much the same way I found farcethemusic.com and other sites).* I immediately became a huge fan, and followed him to a site called thatguywiththeglasses.com. From there, I started getting into some of the movie reviewers/riffers. Basically, it felt like MST: The Next Generation. A bunch of fans carrying on the tradition while bringing in their own unique personalities. I watched Lupa, Nostalgia Chick, Phelous, Cinema Snob, and Nostalgia Critic. I WAS HAPPY.

I wrote a while ago about same lame drama I read regarding this site, pretty much immediately forgot about it and continued enjoying it. Well, now half of my favorite contributors have left due to it apparently being a spectacularly shitty site to be on. I'm pretty disappointed. As long as Todd's there I'll still visit, but probably not every day like I have for the past year or so. I don't want to support a site that treats people like crap. At the same time, I'm sad that I have to feel that way. It's one of those things that just makes you feel kinda generally shitty about life. Like, if this sucks, what is there? Who am I? Is there anything actually nice and decent out there? Well, I'll always be thankful for the entertainment the site has given me. It actually got me through some depression.

*I haven't visited any country websites in months. Between "Laying right here nekkid in my bed" and "Stick the pink umbrella in your drink," no longer know if I'm listening to country music or watching Skinemax. Nu-country: come for the shitty beer, stay for the soft core porn!

When sexy becomes annoying! part... oh, I've lost track at this point

Here are two songs from this past year that annoy me.



Okay, far from the worst song I've ever heard. But I feel like it's supposed to be kind of a female response to Blurred Lines, with all its "I know you want it" and "you need a good girl/bad girl" stuff. Blah blah. I want to see a response to Blurred Lines called "Excuse Me, I'm Trying to Read." I mean, why does it always have to be about sex? Sexitty sex sex sex sex. CAN'T ANYONE TALK ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE?

And... this.



"Yo, shout out to all you kids, buying bottle service, with your rent money
Respect"

You hear that, kids? If you become a homeless alcoholic who lives under a bridge, a popstar who will never have to worry about rent money in her life RESPECTS YOU! How I wish I'd had such an awesome role model. Oh, the dumpsters I could have puked in. *wistful sigh*

Edited to add: I just noticed the video shows a photo of ARETHA FRANKLIN when Katy says the word "respect."

*incoherent sputter*

fuck

fuckfu kfuck no

FUCK

FUCKYOUKATYPERRYOMGYOUIGNORANTLITTLESHIT

Aretha Franklin? SERIOUSLY??? Have you ever actually listened to that song, Katy Do Do? Because, spoiler alert, it ain't about respecting people who shirk responsibility to get wasted. FUCK.

Worst song of the year, no question about it. And yes, I'm basing that partly on one second of the video. Who cares. Fuck.

Sometimes the amount of negativity and judgmentalness on the internet leaves me slack-jawed. Not just the amount, but the tone. The pure, unnecessary, intrusively blasé, fart-in-your-face tone of it all. "I've just come here to ruin your day, because I can." It makes me wonder, what do these people do after leaving their comments that are more akin to a flaming bag of poo left on a doorstep than actual human discourse? Do they do something ordinary, like pour a cup of coffee or feed their dog or brush their teeth? I somehow imagine them doing all this, but wearing a Twisty the Clown mask. Do they feel the satisfaction of a job well done after posting, or is it immediately forgotten as they go about their (presumably normal) day? I'm almost fascinated by this.

When I say negative and judgmental, I'm not referring to sarcasm or criticism, as long as it's at least somewhat thought out. I'm talking about negativity for the sake of negativity, and not just in a way I would call "trolling." Trolling, to me, is leaving a comment like "u suk" or "ur gay I hope u die!1" These comments are a bit more thought out than that, which makes them just that much more maddening. "ur gay" can be ignored, but this is the kind of negativity that sticks in your craw just enough to sour your experience.

For instance, I just got off of Facebook, and two posts in my feed were subject to this brand of Debbie Downerism. One was a cute video of kittens playing, and there were SEVERAL comments criticizing THE WAY THE PERSON WAS PLAYING WITH THE KITTENS. Yes, there are multiple people following a facebook page who took time out of their day to complain that kittens weren't being played with properly. (The kittens were not being treated rough in any way, it was completely ordinary.) I'm just like, where do you go with your life after that? You turned a kitten video into something negative. Congratulations? Is that what you want? I AM MYSTIFIED.

I scroll down to a post from Joel Hodgson, one of my favorite people on the planet, where he shows his solidarity with the French magazine writers who were killed yesterday. A classy thing to do, case closed. BUT WAIT... classy, you say? I see your classiness and raise you my giant asshole! And I quote: "This is basically slacktivism. Just saying that means nothing, you actually have to be willing to act like that the writers and carttonists of of the magazine did."

Okay. Where do I even start with this? I'll let it slide that this is a complete nobody speaking to a famous humorist... um, who exactly has done more for free speech here? But that aside. This kind of literal translation completely misses the point of living in a society. Not everyone is going to be the leader of a movement, some people are supporters. That is not "slacktivism," and jesus how I hate expressions like that. Showing support through an internet post, especially if you're a famous person with lots of followers, is a perfectly valid way of communicating something. Because everyone who reads that will take a moment and think about what happened, and how they don't want to live in a world where things like that happen, and even if they can't personally do anything about it (is Joe Schmoe on facebook really supposed to go fight terrorists?), they care about it. Caring is important. Maybe someone who reads that will go out and do something nice for someone, or give to a charity, or... write a blog post condemning the kind of fuckwads who only accept caring on their own, unreasonable terms. (Hey, we all contribute somehow. :P)

In short: solidarity is a good thing. It's a seed from which bigger things grow. Or, it's just a feeling of goodwill. Whatever. It's not a bad thing. So take your negativity and cram it.

This isn't about disagreement. Disagreement is fine. This is about the kind of nitpicky ridiculousness that makes you want to tear your hair out. It's about people who turn your good intentions into dismissive internet slang. I also think there are times you should hold your tongue, even if you do disagree, in order to be respectful. This is one of those times. It doesn't matter if someone's famous with a public page, it's still a personal sentiment they've chosen to share. And YOU DON'T PISS ON HOSPITALITY. (Cause you know Joel would appreciate the Troll 2 reference. You know he would.) :)

And this tag gets used again. Hurray, how handy.

So in order to have an effective snarking-on-things-that-suck blog, you have to be willing to do a little embarrassing self-confession. As in, here are the dumb, silly things I actually like. Otherwise, you're basically just a hipster.

One thing I love about this time of year is all the "top 10 best/worst songs of the previous year" lists. I'm an absolute junky for these things. Since I don't listen to the radio or go to da club, I'm actually hearing a lot of these songs for the first time. Crazy, I know.

Anyway, confession time. I LOVE this song. That's right, I love a song by KESHA and PITBULL.

I did say this blog was all about honesty, right? :P



So here's the deal with this song. It's genuinely FUN. I've found so much of the glut of party-party fun songs to be downright dreary, so hearing a song with this much life and a great hook is really refreshing to my ears. I used to be a big pop music fan, back in the Madonna days, and this song reminds me why. It's not the first Kesha song I've enjoyed, most of my rants about her have been about her drunk slut persona and stupid autotuned singsonging when I know she can actually sing, but it's by far her best song. I mean, I don't think it even annoyed me once! Go Kesha!!

I don't dance. I am the anti-dancer, and this song damn well makes me go timber. Whatever the fuck that means.

Also, on repeated listens, I don't hate "Fancy" as much as I did at first. I don't like the dumb spoiled girl lyrics, but the chorus is catchy and that singer can really SING. Damn. I like her, and I hope she gets some better material cause she will freaking shred it.

I'm glad that awful Katy Perry song "Dark Horse" I wrote about early in the year is on most of the worst lists. I'm not a Katy Perry fan, but she can and has done much better. Firework? Nope, this one's a dud. herp derp. (Also, like Kesha and Taylor Swift, she's a fellow cat lover so I feel bad hating on her personally. But their bad music is a whole other kettle of horses. or whatever muddled animal metaphor you wish to use.)

My dark horse post, possibly the last time I talked about a pop song at any length:
http://mrsrowsdower.blogspot.ca/2014_02_01_archive.html#6140720625996977541

So here I am at the start of a new year. I can't bring myself to listen to much new popular music. It's so boring, which is the worst. I'd rather it be terrible so I can have fun with it. Or it's that EDM crap, which I do find terrible but in a way I can't talk about because there's nothing to say about it. That's why it's terrible. Not a single laughably misunderstood metaphor to be found, just random noise. Is there any new good country? Idk. I stopped paying attention. I think that Jason Aldean song did me in for good.

Lately I've been listening to what I did in the mid-90s when I wasn't listening to good country music. There was this weird little post-Nirvana, pre-Nickleback time in rock that I thoroughly enjoyed. You had songs like "Santeria" and "Super Bon Bon" and "Possum Kingdom" and "Going the Distance" and "Beautiful Disaster" and whatever the hell that Primitive Radio Gods song is called and wow, do I love this music. I'm lucky that I lived in LA at the time and KROQ played these songs, or I might have never heard them. Also, because of that they all make me think of the beach. So yup, that's where I'm at. Around 1996. Sounds about right.

This current decade in pop culture (starting in the last one) is the first time I've looked at entertainment pages and not known who the hell most of the people are. And been happy about it. I used to be a pop culture junkie, believe it or not. I've been struck numb.

So hello 2015. Maybe I'll crawl out of my hole sometime around groundhog day. If I see my shadow, will music stop sucking?

I have to admit, I feel a little surge of joy in my heart whenever someone says actual "Merry Christmas" to me and not "glad tidings in what happens to be this 12th month of the year that has nothing to do with Christmas or anything, doop de doo." OR WHATEVER. I mean, no one says "season's greetings" in bloody April, and that's SPRING for pete's sake. That's a much better season!

I've no ill will towards anyone who celebrates other holidays or chooses not to celebrate at all, but I DO celebrate Christmas and I like hearing it. It reminds me of my childhood. When the world was happier. When I was happier.

No I'm not trying to "save Christmas" lol. I'm just making a little birdhouse in my soul.

Possible Stupidest Headline I've Ever Seen of the Day:

"Rihanna's 41 Best (and Nippliest!) Looks"

Nippliest?

NIPPLIEST??

NIPPLIEST???

Nip.

pli.

est.


I quit.

Worthless Yahoo Headline of the Day:

"Amanda Bynes Shows Off Slender Frame in New Twitter Selfie

The 28-year-old, who has been battling mental illness, has resurfaced on Twitter..."

Yes, because when you're battling mental illness, the most important thing is that you have a slender frame.

Fark off. This is why we can't have nice things.

Why I haven't been writing here much

Sometimes there's a fine line between negativity and snark. As a MSTie, I've always taken great joy in mocking things I think are stupid, and by making it funny it becomes a positive for me. That's pretty much snarking, riffing, whatever in a nutshell. It's also healthy to vent about something that pisses you off (and then try to forget about it).

I don't feel the world is becoming more negative. I think there's still a lot of great stuff and people out there. I think what's being presented to us is becoming more and more negative. All these awful news stories that are splashed all over everything. There's always been bad news, but at least it used to be contained to the morning paper and evening news. It wasn't IN YO FACE 24/7 via the internet and all day cable news. If the world has actually become more negative, I think it's been perpetuated by that.

So I choose to avoid that and focus on the positives of life. Oh, I'm sure some things will come my way I'll want to gleefully snark on, but I find that in seeking things out I open up a box of negativity that is best left closed. And since snark is mostly what I like writing, that means posting will be less frequent. I might do occasional positive things as well like Feel Good Friday, but let's face it, happy things are more fun to experience than to read or write about. My pen is dipped in sarcasm, and this is not a bad thing. It will just be used a bit more sparingly as I continue my search for the sweet, sweet valley of sanity in this crazy world.*

*or at least, the media wants you to believe it's a crazy world. Cause when I go outside, the world seems to be spinning the same as it always has.

Yahoo Headline of the Day:

"Gronk meets Bieber, for some reason"

https://ca.sports.yahoo.com/blogs/nfl-shutdown-corner/gronk-hangs-with-bieber--for-some-reason-153248519.html

Gronk, nooooo! Get away from that, you don't know where it's been! :(

So much for my dream Patriots-Packers super bowl.

Oh thank God (no pun intended), I can go back to thinking Kirk Cameron is batcrap insane again. Whew. Giving him an amen about anything was unsettling my stomach.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4009460/

I've seen a couple reviews of this thing, and now I HAVE to watch it. I need something new to snark on. It has Santa beating the crap out of someone who doesn't believe in Jesus?!? Santa is like, an enforcer on Jesus' hockey team apparently. Well that's a brilliant SNL sketch or South Park episode. Or...

I'm still celebrating the HELL out of Christmas, though.

Happy December!

Christmas! Because you can.

How can I agree so much with someone I disagree with so much?!!

https://celebrity.yahoo.com/blogs/celeb-news/kirk-cameron-urges-women-to-save-christmas-by-cooking-decorating-singing-141250143.html

I'm pretty much the polar opposite of Kirk Cameron. I have nothing against Christianity - I'm a believer myself, just not a churchgoer - but I have everything against fundamentalism of any religion.

But see, tradition is nice. Think back to when you were a child. My mom, while not religious, did all the things mentioned in this article. She made Christmas awesome. By being too "cool" or "modern" or "feminist" or whatever the fuck to bring that to your own household, aren't you denying your own family what you grew up with? And yourself? Naturally, this goes for whatever tradition you follow, not just Christmas. Including purely secular traditions. Cause who the hell doesn't like the smell of pine trees?!

So yeah, I agree with Kirk fricking Cameron about something. Or maybe I just hate the pointless over-modernization of society that the tone of this article reeks of even more than I hate fundamentalism. At least this time.

And for all the feminists who are grumbling about why does it have to be the wife... because men won't do this stuff. You know they won't. So just suck it up and do it. Not everything has to be a feminist punch to the gut. Some things are just nice to do.

ch-ch-ch-chia

Amusing Yahoo Headline/Photo of the Day:

"Obama nominates new attorney general"

Congratulations, chia attorney general! You've come a long way since you were a bunch of seeds slathered on a pot. My chia pet just sat on a shelf and collected dust. Lazy slacker.

Now YOU can have your own chia attorney general for the low, low price of only 19.95!

Murr. I'm at a bit of a loss what to write about right now. Lately I've been really into 80s music, shopping, horror movies, and eating strawberry pocky. I think I'm 13 again :D

Feel Good Friday - Happy Halloween

In honor of my favorite movie, which we'll be watching tonight, and HALLOWFUCKINGWEEN BABY - it's feel good time!

Headline about stupid-ass thing of the day:

"Happy Orange and Black day: Canadian schools turn against Halloween"

Pardon my language FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU F U C K Y O U!!!!!!!!!!

This garbage pisses me off SO MUCH. In case you couldn't tell. Look, I know this could be seen as small beans in comparison with terrorists and ebola and other depressing ass crap going on in the world, but here's why it actually isn't: BECAUSE of all the depressing shit in the world. We NEED fun things like Halloween, and taking it away because a handful of people might get offended is not only ridiculous, it makes the world a bleaker place. Everybody loses.

Not only did I love celebrating Halloween as a kid - what kid doesn't - I still cherish those memories 30 years later. Those kind of childhood memories are something I turn to for comfort when the world gets to be too much. So not only are kids today missing out, their future selves are too. What's next, banning camp songs? Baking cookies? Going outside without supervision - oh, wait. :(

Remember when the OMG OFFENDED types used to be the enemy? A source of derision, like the Harper Valley PTA? And now they're actually winning. I don't want to hear about political correctness or sensitivity for fuck's sake, Halloween has nothing to do with race, religion or anything that gets people's panties in a bunch. And if it for some reason does, well they can just wear bunched panties for the day.

My childhood memories are pretty sacred to me, and this kind of crap is like someone spit on them and stomped on them and then vomited candy corn all over them. It's out of control, and it needs to be reigned in by common sense before we lose all the things that actually make life enjoyable.

I need feel good Friday, stat.

I would like to address one of the stupidest, most overused words on the internet (and real life too, thanks Taylor Swift): "Haters." This word meant something at one time, I think, but is now spewed out with such frequency it has lost all meaning.

I briefly touched on this in one of my Cher Lloyd posts. I said something like, "If you suck, you do not have 'haters.' You suck, and people are reacting accordingly."

Because "haters" is now used to describe pretty much ANY kind of criticism. Criticism is and always will be valid if it makes a point. I get that "haters" is meant for youtube trolls and the like, sad little people who put down others to feel better about their shitty lives. But that label does not apply to someone who is making a genuine criticism, even if it's edged with snark. (Cause really, it's a lot more fun to read and write that way.)

"Haters" is nothing more than a blanket statement now. It means nothing. If someone disagrees with you, they must be a hater! If someone doesn't like your product, they're just jealous!

NO. It's called having an opinion. It's kind of been going on for a while.

But, you might ask, shouldn't you promote "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all?"

In most contexts, yes. That is appropriate advice for, say, a family reunion, or your neighbor's ugly Christmas sweater. It is not appropriate in the field of pop culture, except when people focus on criticizing someone's weight/clothes instead of their actual work. That is a hater. Saying music you think is shit is, in fact, shit, will never be "hating." It's necessary.

Another reason why growing up in the 80s really was better:



I watched this today for the first time since it aired in 1983. This special had a profound effect on me as a kid, so much that I remembered it all these years. I think I enjoyed it as much today as I did then, though partly for different reasons.

Watch how kids acted/were portrayed back then. Like... real people. Not the ridiculous, cartoonish, over the top, camera-mugging stereotypes of the Disney Channel and their ilk today. When was the last time you saw something where kids actually acted like kids? To be fair, one of the kid actors in this special is Christian Slater, but the little girl who didn't go on to be famous was also incredibly good. I miss this so much. The 80s had their share of annoying, precocious screen kids, but there was also plenty of stuff like this. And nothing as obnoxious as those Disney channel characters now! Blecccch.

The other reason I like this special so much is the same reason I liked it back then. It inspires kids to use their imagination and explore. Which is exactly what I did. The weekend specials were shown at like 11AM on Saturdays, and after I watched this one I spent a good part of the afternoon exploring my basement and backyard for hidden rooms and treasure. This was over 30 years ago, and I still have a clear memory of that day and how much fun I had just being a kid and letting myself imagine. I hope kids today with all their tech things and playdates and mall trick or treating get to experience stuff like that sometimes. Because if they don't, they're missing out on the kind of childhood they'll remember all their lives.

I often see the phrase "what is real country music?" thrown around, as in FGL fans arguing, "Who are YOU to say what real country is?"

While what makes a musical genre sound authentic isn't exactly quantifiable, it's kinda like "you know it when you hear it," I'm gonna take a stab at it anyway. What is country music to me?

1. Not FGL. Okay, okay, serious time.

1. Traditional country instruments. Fiddle, steel guitar, banjo (not spamjo), etc.

2. Strong vocals that sound like a human being singing, not a robot.

PROCESSED MUSIC AND VOCALS WILL NEVER SOUND LIKE COUNTRY MUSIC. THEY GO AGAINST EVERYTHING COUNTRY STANDS FOR IN THE FIRST PLACE. COUNTRY MUSIC AT ITS CORE IS ABOUT AUTHENTICITY. HEART, SOUL, AND MUSICIANSHIP.

3. Lyrics that tell a story or make some kind of point about life. Humorous, serious, or some of both, on topics that are generally relatable to the everyman and woman. Love, heartbreak, family, loss, working, drinking, etc.

4. And on the subject of drinking... country music generally has some kind of moral center, even when talking about cheating or alcohol abuse. There are consequences. Classic drinking songs aren't about gettin' drunk, gettin' laid, and... that's it. Because that's the plot of a porno, not a song. Classic drinking songs are usually two sides of the coin. Drinking and regret - you know you drank too much. Maybe you're an alcoholic, maybe you were drinking to forget. You wake up saying you'll never do it again, but you probably will. Or, drinking to blow off steam. You work hard all week, so Friday night you're gettin' drunk. These are the fun drinking songs, but there's a relatable theme. The other side of the coin is you have to go back to work on Monday, so live it up while you can.

Whereas most of today's drinking songs are just about getting drunk for no reason, and with no consequences. BOOOOOOOOORING.

So in summary: traditional instruments, strong vocals, no additives or preservatives, lyrics that have a point and some kind of moral center. That's country music to me. That is not most of today's popular "country" music. Hence my umpteen rants on this blog. And to those who insist country must evolve, yes, music always have and always will evolve. But when it loses sight of the basic qualities that actually make the genre what it is, like real instruments and meaningful storytelling, can it really be called country music anymore? If humans evolve into... giant bugs, would they still be human?* No. They'd be giant bugs. Excuse me while I find my can of Raid.

*Yes, I do find the categorization of Sam Hunt or FGL as "country" about as ludicrous as humans turning into giant bugs. It's bad science fiction ludicrous.

I'm bored. Quick, somebody do something stupid!

Please?

Not even a worthless headline to be found. I never thought I'd miss stories about what spangled running shorts some starlet wore to the proctologist, but HOLY BALLS is everything depressing and somber right now. I take back everything I said, bring back the stupid!

Ehh country music is so freaking BORING right now. FGL sucks again, ho hum. They took a one-song break from sucking. I don't even find their brand of suck interesting anymore. It's like watching a dog do the same trick for three years.

There are a couple decent songs out there I guess. Carrie Underwood's new single is strong, but she's only had one really bad single (ironically, the duet with my favorite current country artist, Miranda Lambert) so nothing new there. And no gloriously bad new thing for me to snark on. Just BORING. So yeah, that's the state of country and my blog right now. A thousand yawns.

At least I have Rocktoberfest.

Feel Good Friday

Since it's Rocktober - yes, I've committed to that - here's another upbeat 80s classic!



Tomorrow night we're going to the Deadmonton Haunted House, which is almost as good of a pun as Rocktober.

And just in case anyone thought I was being ridiculous, "sexy Chinese takeout" exists.

http://www.cracked.com/article_18834_26-sexy-halloween-costumes-that-shouldnt-exist.html

As does sexy house (???) and sexy Big Bird. Just waiting for sexy Oscar the Grouch, cause seriously, I would be all over that.

So it's that time of year, when a woman such as myself must decide which unnecessarily sexy thing to be for Halloween! Sexy pineapple, sexy insurance salesman, sexy ball of twine? The possibilities are endless! I think this year I'm going with sexy oatmeal. Cause nothing says hot like a nutritious breakfast!! (I wanted to be sexy Dora the Explorer, but they only make those for up to age 6. *weeps for society*)

*leers at pineapple* How you doin'?

I don't actually dress up for Halloween.

Feel Good Friday - Do you remember where we used to dance? edition

I want to hug all these songs. And my childhood. ♥









My disdain for current pop culture has somehow made me a HUGE Journey fan. Like, even more than I was in the 80s.

I think the exact moment I retired my last give-a-damn for current pop culture was when I was stuck in a bus station, and they had that soul-obliterating TMZ show on. I'd somehow managed to steer clear of this abomination up to that point, maybe because I have half a brain, but when you're stuck waiting for a bus you apparently have to surrender the last half of your brain. I have never wanted to literally throw myself in front of a literal bus before, but holy crap. That was the end, my friends. I think I finally went into the bathroom to escape. Yes, staring at a toilet in a bus station bathroom is better entertainment than TMZ. And certainly less full of shit.

But at least these songs exist forever.

Aaaaaaaaand worthless headline of the day:

"Jessica Simpson Is Airport Chic In Lace Shorts"

Cause when you think sexy, you think airports, amirite? I know when I'm about to be felt up by security, I want to be wearing lace shorts. Makes the experience more intimate, you know?

I Don't Know What to Call it Headline of the Day:

Red Bull: Energy beverage maker agrees to $15 million settlement for false advertising claims

You mean... it doesn't actually give you wings?! WTF, I am so disappointed. Next you'll be telling me Chihuahuas can't actually talk and my clothes aren't soft because of an anthropomorphic teddy bear who lives in my laundry basket.

My main thought after watching The Flash last night: OMG ED!!! Like I used to watch that show every week, but I totally forgot that guy existed. Then I looked him up and he's OMG CANADIAN!! For some reason, my head was telling me he was actually from Stuckeyville, Ohio.

Meow meow meow meow...

Oh. My. God.



You know when you feel like something was written just for you, even though rationally you know it wasn't? Yeah. The Meow Mix jingle sung as a parody of bro-country. The world actually makes a little bit of sense right now. I'm gonna go buy some Meow Mix, they have earned my loyalty forever with this one. Also, my cats ask for it by name!

Feel Good Friday, sort of - October edition!

To celebrate the start of my favorite month, here's my list of top 5 "eerie" sounding classic rock songs:

5. Bad Company - Bad Company
4. Rhiannon - Fleetwood Mac
3. Bad Moon Rising - CCR
2. Don't Fear the Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult
1. Hotel California - The Eagles

Cause in Rocktober, it feels good to be creeped out!

Yes, I said Rocktober.