2017 songs I missed

Songs I hadn't heard, or forgot to mention.

Julia Michaels ~ "I've got issues, and one of them is how bad I need voice lessons!"

"Say You Won't Let Go" by Interchangeable White Guy with Acoustic Guitar #72* ~ What's the one constant in popular music? Boring adult contemporary ballads! Yaay. Seems like every year there's one of these samey-sounding "romantic" songs, as if by obligation. So what's the difference between a good ballad and a boring one? I mean, I like "Million Reasons." I guess for me ballads have to feel big, they need to be almost rock and roll in their intensity. They need to break stuff. I feel like you could walk into any coffeehouse anywhere and there'd be this guy playing this song. What's special or interesting about it?

*James Arthur, good Lord, I couldn't come up with a more generic name if I tried. Call him "Arthur James" and see if anyone even notices.

"Light it Up" by Luke Bryan ~ This song is about a phone. Really pushing those creative limits there, eh Luke?

"Mi Gente" by a bunch of people ~ Latin music can provide welcome energy to the dull pop charts, like putting mango salsa on a piece of plain fish. I was fine with "Despacito," though the original is better than Bieber. Obviously. But this? This is our 2017 entry for "what's that horrible noise?!" Except this time, the horrible noise isn't just a drop or a random sound effect. This thing plays on a continuous loop through the entire song. Or so I've heard, I can't get too far into it without a headache coming on. This hurts, not just my musical sensibilities but my actual body. That might be a new low, at least until we get to the next song.

I was wrong. There was a song I heard this year worse than "Body Like a Backroad," it just wasn't a hit. That song is "Young and Menace" by Fall Out Boy. I don't even hate FOB, their first album is some good old school pop punk nostalgia. But this... take everything you think you know about Fall Out Boy, the worst songs you've heard by them, and throw it all out the window cause this is so much worse than you could ever imagine. I didn't even think it was a real song. I will give Body Like a Backroad the most basic compliment possible and say it sounds like a song, kind of. Those are the depths we've reached here. This thing is a career killer.

I know I already talked about this "trap" thing but I have more to say, seeing how it's taken over music like an alien parasite. I'm obviously not a hip hop fan, but I still know a good song when I hear it. They played "King Kunta" at a game I went to last week and I was dancing in my seat, it's so good.



ENERGY!

Now insert "Lil ____" here, cause they all seem to have the same name and sing the same song.



Day 67 of my coma. No change. :(

But here's the really awful part. From the subject matter of some of these songs, I'm guessing the slurriness is meant to sound like being on drugs, or maybe they sound that way cause they've taken too many drugs. I mean, it literally sounds like they're overdosing in every song. I get that rap has always had a history with drugs and violence, but this is particularly depressing. There's nothing glamorous about prescription drug abuse. You're doing this shit and not even making interesting music, it's just a waste.

And who are all the people listening to this? They can't all be drug addicts, so what's the appeal? "Hmm, I want to feel down without actually taking downers... ah, Lil Banana Peel, and then maybe some Lil Shoehorn! Woo, now I'm lit!" Wait, is this music supposed to make you lit or... what's the opposite of lit, dim? I'M SO CONFUSED. I hope this trend dies hard next year. It's not just unpleasant, it's unhealthy.

And what the hell is a "lil uzi vert??" Okay I know what an uzi is, but what's a vert? Vertical blinds? You shoot your vertical blinds with an uzi? That just seems uncalled for. What did the people at Levolor ever do to you??

"I Spy" by Kyle and Lil Helicopter or whatever ~ Hey! An actual upbeat, sunny hip hop song, I can dig... "I spy with my little eye, a girlie I can get 'cause she don't get too many likes"... oh. Oh. Gosh, that's not predatory or anything.🙄 You know, as a woman that line somehow offends me more than all the bitches and hoes and strippers songs combined, and I'm not one of those people who works at being offended. You could argue the bitches and hoes stuff has a theatricality to it. I don't like it, but it doesn't hit me on any real level. But, "I'm gonna take advantage of this less popular chick's vulnerability so I can have sex with her!" That's real. And it's ugly.

Bebe Rexha ~ I vaguely knew who she was before the whole "country" controversy, but I specifically listened to her and... she's fine. She can sing, she's an okay pop star. Before the FGL song, which is quite possibly the most generic thing I've ever heard btw, it makes "Say You Won't Let Go" sound like "Hey Jude," she seemed to be the kind of artist who always sings before a drop. She doesn't belong anywhere near country. Obviously, I mean OBVIOUSLY. Fix this mess.

"Malibu" by Miley Cyrus ~ We've found something almost as bad as Miley's high register, and that's Miley's low register. Either way she always sounds like she has to cough. I don't dislike this, but it bugs me that so many great vocalists will never be heard, while Miss Nepotism here can barely sing.

One Direction ~ these dudes all released solo music this year, no I'm not gonna remember all their names, and the only one that piqued my interest was Harry Styles. His album is good overall, however I soured on it when I learned he did not credit Badfinger for the guitar line he lifted directly from "Baby Blue" on "Ever Since New York." I mean, Taylor Swift credited Right Said Fred for a flow basically, and Styles lifts a whole melody without credit? I still think he's talented and he makes good use of the line but come on, you owe the original writers.

"New Year's Day" by Taylor Swift ~ JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING IS ACOUSTIC DOES NOT MAKE IT COUNTRY. Good grief. This is one of the few songs on reputation that actually sounds like a song to me. It's fine. Put it on pop radio, it'll be one of the better songs. But this insistence of putting pop songs on country radio has NOTHING to do with evolving or expanding musical taste, it has to do with making money, like everything damn else. Stop pretending it's anything else.

We listened to different genres in the 80s and 90s too. While they were more "cliquey" back then, top 40 radio actually played a decent mix of pop, rock, r&b, dance, country crossover, hip hop, etc. It was the melting pot of what was popular, and if anything it was more diverse back then because it actually played rock. But genre-specific stations like country stuck to country, as they should, or what's the point of even having different stations? Diversity isn't new, it's just being exploited now, and the quality of popular music is suffering for it.

Aaaand that's all for 2017, may you rest in self-perpetuating obscurity. Pull the plug, put the nail in the coffin, and crack open a cold one, you deserve it.