Quarterly State of Music, part one - "No."

I haven't sat down and talked about music for a while, mostly because of the reason mentioned in previous post, but also because -

Current mainstream pop and country is BORING. BORINGBORINGBORING.

I've been busy enjoying some music I actually, y'know, enjoy, which I'll touch on in part two. But let's get the shit out of the way first.

Luke Bryan's new song is called "Huntin', Fishin' and Lovin' Every Day." Aww shit son, someone amped up the "country" to 11!! Damn, and I thought "John Cougar, John Deere, John 3:16" was a cheesy song title.

There's actually a top 10 country song called "Snapback." An ode to a damn hat. Now I miss "Red Solo Cup." It might be an ode to a piece of plastic, but at least you can put a beer in it instead of some bro's douchey head.

The rest of country is either boring AF or actually good, so onto pop.

"Work" - Wow, if this doesn't embody the dull drone that pop music has become, I don't know what does. I can only guess this has stayed at #1 for so long by default, like when you hear an annoying noise for so long you start to tune it out. Like your neighbor's leaf blower. I am officially renaming this song "Leaf Blower." And that's the last I'll ever think of it again. Next!

"7 Years" - Apparently, the way to have a big hit in 2016 is to rip off "100 Years" by Five For Fighting. From 2006. What's next, that "you had a bad day" song?

Zayn is not a name, but I like that it's almost "zany." Haven't heard the song, don't care.

..."Panda?" Somebody wrote an ode to Pablo Sandoval and his belt-exploding gut? Awesome!

Umm this Fifth Harmony bullshit is awful. AWFUL. How did we let this happen?

MIKE FRIGGING POSNER has a top 10 hit, speaking of "how did this happen?" I haven't heard it. The buzz is it's actually not bad, but I heard the same thing about Bieber's current shit. I think my not-bad-o-meter is tuned differently.

Charlie Puth might be the literal worst. WHY is this person famous? My shoes would be a more interesting popstar than this.

And finally... "No." Well, I'll give Meghan Trainor one thing: she's not boring. She gives me solid ranting material pretty much every time. So allow me a moment.

"No" is probably her worst song yet. Yes, I know she did "Dear Future Husband" and "Marvin Gaye." Ironically, "No" is the perfect response to "Let's Marvin Gaye and get it on." But you know what it's not? It's not the "feminist" anthem you probably think it is, Ms. Trainor. See, "feminist" =/= "bitchy." Nor does it equal "controlling" or comparing your sexuality to "a dog without a bone," but we've covered those atrocities already. I don't think I've ever seen anyone try SO hard to be "feminist" and "empowering," fail SO HARD, yet still have so many people buy into it!!!

I don't go to clubs. Never have, except to see a show with a date, or a country bar for line dancing or karaoke. The whole "hook up" scene is as foreign to me as Siberia. I don't even know what "clubbing" entails, exactly. I'm all about music, and club music is shitballs on toast. That said, I understand a woman might want to go out with her friends and not have guys hitting on her. I really do. But, unless the guy's being a total jerk, does it really hurt to turn him down politely, instead of that mean girl crap? Guys are actual humans, you know. And you're not in high school anymore. And bitchiness is not empowering. I don't know where that ever came from. People respecting each other is empowering. Sigh. Okay, let's break this shit down.

"I think it's so cute and I think it's so sweet
How you let your friends encourage you to try and talk to me
But let me stop you there, oh, before you speak"

That's right, she didn't even let him speak. Maybe he wanted to know where the bathroom is! Maybe he wanted to tell her a knock knock joke! Maybe he needed medical attention! But we'll never know now, will we, Meghan. Geesh.

"Nah to the ah to the no, no, no
My name is no
My sign is no
My number is no
You need to let it go
You need to let it go"

Considering you didn't even let him open his mouth, I think you're the one who needs to let it go. He's just standing there, confused and wishing he'd approached literally anyone else. Also he might be bleeding.

"First you gonna say you ain't runnin' game, thinkin' I'm believing every word
Call me beautiful, so original, telling me I'm not like other girls"

But he didn't actually say any of those things. This song is based entirely on assumptions. Look - I don't wanna sound like I'm "blaming the victim" here - but she's not even a victim because the guy didn't even open his mouth and his medical alert bracelet is possibly going off now and GEEZ, if you're really SO DAMN SICK of guys talking to you in clubs, maybe it's time to take a break from going to clubs? Maybe check out the planetarium, or youth night at church? Yes, of course a woman should be able to go anywhere she wants without being harassed, but this song does a damn good job of showing no harassment whatsoever. It's really off point, is what I'm saying. Like I was thinking, "hey, this would actually be interesting if it was a response to the whole "Blurred Lines"* thing - like, "no blurred nothing, just NO." But there's no sleazy guy saying "I know you want it" here. We don't know what he was going to say, we're just meant to assume that GUY = JERK. And that doesn't work. And it sure as HELL isn't "feminism."

*Blurred Lines, a song whose only good lyrics are "woo!" and "hey hey hey."

And that brings us to the most befuddling line of all:

"All my ladies, listen up
If that boy ain't giving up
Lick your lips and swing your hips
Girl all you gotta say is
My name is no"

Umm, speaking of blurred lines? "I don't want a man, so imma do shit that men find alluring just to be a bitch, tee hee!" SCREW. YOU. And finally -

"I was in my zone, before you came along, don't want you to take this personal"

How could he take it personal? He didn't even say anything! If he does though, maybe it's because you're jumping down his throat like a spoiled, catty teenager. "Don't take this personal" is the "Nah, I'm just playin!" of this song. It's meant to soften the edge, say "see I'm not a total bitch!" but it does just the opposite by being so obviously transparent.

A woman, a person, has every right to say no in any situation. But it's also natural for men to approach women, and not get a reaction like it's the most offensive thing EVAR!!!1OMGCOOTIES!1! I exist because my dad talked to my mom in a bar. There's a biological imperative here, is what I'm saying. Let's all just respect each other, and maybe you'll even end up meeting someone nice. Or not. But there's nothing wrong with keeping an open mind, even just a little. Sheesh, I never thought I'd miss "Call Me Maybe." But at least "maybe" sounds a bit more mature than "NOPE. NOPENOPENOPENEOPE. *sticks fingers in ears* lalallaala I can't hear you but I'm gonna shake my hips at you neenerneener!" Seriously, fuck this song. YOU JUST MADE ME SAY "CALL ME MAYBE" IS MATURE BY COMPARISON FUCK.

Meghan Trainor just keeps cementing her position of everything I hate about young women today. Come on girls, you're better than this. Really think about what she's saying, not just how the shallow "empowerment" makes you feel. Because it's designed to make you feel, not think. Which can be fine in pop music. But this isn't even well done, there's zero substance here; it's the Bratz doll of empowerment. Yeah, I'm probably reading too much into a stupid pop song. But it's what I do. Sigh. And like it or not, popular music does affect culture.

Oh, the sound of the song. Well, she's moved away from the 60s into a... late 90s-early/mid 2000s pop/r&b vibe? Like Destiny's Child kinda? Which isn't necessarily bad, but man does she not pull it off. Meghan Trainor is not Beyoncé. Yeah, you heard it here first. Nothing but bold statements on this blog, folks. But yeah. Bringing that sound back could be a breath of fresh air on the charts, but not this way. This is awful, and already a candidate for my worst hit song of the year.

But, at least she's not boring. *coughRihannacough*

When confident becomes annoying!

We meet again, Dear Future Husband.



I heard this song in a store a couple months ago, was completely turned off by the tone of it, and then kind of forgot about it. I wrote that it was like Any Man of Mine, if you take out the charm and humor and replace it with annoying stridentness. So when I saw my favorite music reviewer Todd was tackling it last night, I couldn't wait. And hoo boy, it's so much worse when you're not at the mall and can actually hear all the things she's saying. I know she's spouting some pseudo-confident, pseudo-girl power crap, cause her lips are movin'. From now on, I'm calling her Meghan Tryhard.

So let's do this. I haven't done a song review-ish thing in a while, and it turns out I have a lot to say about this one. I'll try not to repeat anything Todd said, which just shows what a crapmine this song is, since he had a lot to say about it too. Oh, and he said almost the exact same thing I did about Any Man of Mine. Clearly, he reads my twitter. *cough* Anyway!

Let's start with the sound of the song. Now I love me some 50s/60s girl groups. The Ronettes, The Angels, the Shangri-Las, the Chiffons, The freaking awesome Supremes... I grew up with that stuff cause it was my mom's era and I've loved it ever since. I also liked Madonna's 60s girl group homage, True Blue. So I should like this. But I'm sorry, she ruins it as soon as she opens her mouth. Not because her voice is especially bad, but she does this thing where she sings everything like she just won Miss America. "I'm Queen Shit." She might as well just sing that over and over on a loop. I can't even tell you if I like her voice, cause it's too little voice and too much attitude.

Is this supposed to be a confidence booster, something positive for teen girls? Cause I can't find a note of positivity in this song, other than its deceptive upbeatness. It's a passive-aggressive nightmare. You know what it reminds me of?

I'm just waiting for the chilling moment when that big perky smile drops and the murderface sets in.

So we've got over-polished confidence that's so in your face it's annoying and comes off as fake, even if it isn't. Cause no one is that relentlessly confident and perky. No one. I'm not saying she's being fake, I'm saying she might in fact be a robot. Because these are not real human emotions. No one thinks like this or acts like this, at least no one I'd want to know. You know what I think this is? It's the whole Cosmo-women's magazine culture. It's The View. It's the same women who read 50 Shades and watch Sex and the City and The Bachelor and listen to stuff like "What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger"* and think it's deep and meaningful. Which is probably why this comes off so tone deaf to me. It's sad that women are so thirsty for any kind of empowerment, they'll drink half a glass of lukewarm water like it's champagne.

Anyway, the sound of the song gets a B-. Now... the lyrics. The true horror that is Dear Future Husband. This song just hits all the wrong notes for me, starting with the title. You just know it's not gonna be about the husband, but all about her. Not what a couple brings to each other, just what he can do to worship this apparent FUCKING GODDESS.

Oh wait, excuse me, she'll buy the groceries. And give him love if he kisses her ass right. That sounds like a healthy relationship, right?! Ok, let's back up.

"Cause if you'll treat me right
I'll be the perfect wife
Buying groceries
Buy-buying what you need

You got that 9 to 5
But, baby, so do I
So don't be thinking I'll be home and baking apple pies
I never learned to cook"

Okay, she'll buy the groceries but she draws the line at cooking them! I don't know about you, but I find cooking a hell of lot more enjoyable than standing in line at Walmart. But whatever. I guess she is doing the guy a favor there, but it seems an odd thing to find important enough to put in a song. "We're out of eggs, I'm gonna run to the store!" *swoon* GREATEST LOVE SONG EVER. Also, why is everything about food? I'm not gonna make a fat joke, cause she's not actually fat and I don't make fat jokes. It's just a weird focus. To her, marriage seems to be about two things, food and sex. And both given as a reward for proper ass-kissing. BLECCCCH! Let's continue.

"After every fight
Just apologize
And maybe then I'll let you try and rock my body right
Even if I was wrong
[Laugh] You know I'm never wrong
Why disagree?
Why, why disagree?"

OH GOD MY SOUL IT BURNS. This song... this song makes me feel like a man. Like, I'm totally putting myself in the guy's place here and I am RUNNING LIKE HELL. This is nothing but a trope, and it's an old one and a bad one. This is what leads to men doing "old ball and chain" jokes. Which I hate. But with this attitude, who could blame them? This kind of thing was done with actual charm and humor in Any Man of Mine. It did not need this witless rehashing. You get the feeling Shania's man is gonna laugh along with her and actually enjoy the relationship. The guy in Dear Future Husband is gonna live a life of quiet desperation. I feel sorry for him already.

Why disagree? Maybe because he's a human being with feelings and his own damn opinions.
"Dear future husband,
Make time for me
Don't leave me lonely"

Okay, that's fine, just do the same for him.

"And know we'll never see your family more than mine"



... Excuse me??? Okay, now we've entered into straight-up psychological abuse. You're telling a grown man when he can see his own damn family? Imagine if that was reversed, we'd be getting on the women's abuse hotline immediately. So there you have it. "Dear Future Husband: I'm a controlling bitch. Your family can't save you. Suck it up and smile."

Look, I get that it's hard out there. Women being judged solely by their appearance, women who are average-size called fat because they're bigger than a size 4, rape jokes, rape threats, men who say they just "can't take a joke." It's an ugly, ugly world sometimes. But this is not the way to combat it. So what is the way? Men and women should play to each other's strengths, and compensate for each other's weaknesses. These might be traditional gender roles, or they might not be. Treat each other as equals. Don't tell someone they can't see their damn family, for fuck's sake. Make it about love. Fair, honest love.

And that's why these lyrics get a big old F. Where is the mention of LOVE anywhere in this song? Where are kindness, and fairness? Where's being nice just because you care and want each other to be happy, instead of this weird bargaining? Where are the shared interests, the laughs, the things that actually make a marriage work? You know, the actual... feelings? Yeah, you should probably work out who goes to the grocery store, but it really shouldn't be the first thing on your mind. Todd played a clip from D-I-V-O-R-C-E at the end of his video, and I laughed so loud I mighta woke up the neighbors. Cause yeah. If this is your idea of marriage, look forward to having more than one of 'em.

Dear Future Husband: RUN.