I heard this song in a store a couple months ago, was completely turned off by the tone of it, and then kind of forgot about it. I wrote that it was like Any Man of Mine, if you take out the charm and humor and replace it with annoying stridentness. So when I saw my favorite music reviewer Todd was tackling it last night, I couldn't wait. And hoo boy, it's so much worse when you're not at the mall and can actually hear all the things she's saying. I know she's spouting some pseudo-confident, pseudo-girl power crap, cause her lips are movin'. From now on, I'm calling her Meghan Tryhard.
So let's do this. I haven't done a song review-ish thing in a while, and it turns out I have a lot to say about this one. I'll try not to repeat anything Todd said, which just shows what a crapmine this song is, since he had a lot to say about it too. Oh, and he said almost the exact same thing I did about Any Man of Mine. Clearly, he reads my twitter. *cough* Anyway!
Let's start with the sound of the song. Now I love me some 50s/60s girl groups. The Ronettes, The Angels, the Shangri-Las, the Chiffons, The freaking awesome Supremes... I grew up with that stuff cause it was my mom's era and I've loved it ever since. I also liked Madonna's 60s girl group homage, True Blue. So I should like this. But I'm sorry, she ruins it as soon as she opens her mouth. Not because her voice is especially bad, but she does this thing where she sings everything like she just won Miss America. "I'm Queen Shit." She might as well just sing that over and over on a loop. I can't even tell you if I like her voice, cause it's too little voice and too much attitude.
Is this supposed to be a confidence booster, something positive for teen girls? Cause I can't find a note of positivity in this song, other than its deceptive upbeatness. It's a passive-aggressive nightmare. You know what it reminds me of?
I'm just waiting for the chilling moment when that big perky smile drops and the murderface sets in.
So we've got over-polished confidence that's so in your face it's annoying and comes off as fake, even if it isn't. Cause no one is that relentlessly confident and perky. No one. I'm not saying she's being fake, I'm saying she might in fact be a robot. Because these are not real human emotions. No one thinks like this or acts like this, at least no one I'd want to know. You know what I think this is? It's the whole Cosmo-women's magazine culture. It's The View. It's the same women who read 50 Shades and watch Sex and the City and The Bachelor and listen to stuff like "What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger"* and think it's deep and meaningful. Which is probably why this comes off so tone deaf to me. It's sad that women are so thirsty for any kind of empowerment, they'll drink half a glass of lukewarm water like it's champagne.
Anyway, the sound of the song gets a B-. Now... the lyrics. The true horror that is Dear Future Husband. This song just hits all the wrong notes for me, starting with the title. You just know it's not gonna be about the husband, but all about her. Not what a couple brings to each other, just what he can do to worship this apparent FUCKING GODDESS.
Oh wait, excuse me, she'll buy the groceries. And give him love if he kisses her ass right. That sounds like a healthy relationship, right?! Ok, let's back up.
"Cause if you'll treat me right
I'll be the perfect wife
Buying groceries
Buy-buying what you need
You got that 9 to 5
But, baby, so do I
So don't be thinking I'll be home and baking apple pies
I never learned to cook"
Okay, she'll buy the groceries but she draws the line at cooking them! I don't know about you, but I find cooking a hell of lot more enjoyable than standing in line at Walmart. But whatever. I guess she is doing the guy a favor there, but it seems an odd thing to find important enough to put in a song. "We're out of eggs, I'm gonna run to the store!" *swoon* GREATEST LOVE SONG EVER. Also, why is everything about food? I'm not gonna make a fat joke, cause she's not actually fat and I don't make fat jokes. It's just a weird focus. To her, marriage seems to be about two things, food and sex. And both given as a reward for proper ass-kissing. BLECCCCH! Let's continue.
"After every fight
Just apologize
And maybe then I'll let you try and rock my body right
Even if I was wrong
[Laugh] You know I'm never wrong
Why disagree?
Why, why disagree?"
OH GOD MY SOUL IT BURNS. This song... this song makes me feel like a man. Like, I'm totally putting myself in the guy's place here and I am RUNNING LIKE HELL. This is nothing but a trope, and it's an old one and a bad one. This is what leads to men doing "old ball and chain" jokes. Which I hate. But with this attitude, who could blame them? This kind of thing was done with actual charm and humor in Any Man of Mine. It did not need this witless rehashing. You get the feeling Shania's man is gonna laugh along with her and actually enjoy the relationship. The guy in Dear Future Husband is gonna live a life of quiet desperation. I feel sorry for him already.
Why disagree? Maybe because he's a human being with feelings and his own damn opinions.
"Dear future husband,
Make time for me
Don't leave me lonely"
Okay, that's fine, just do the same for him.
"And know we'll never see your family more than mine"
... Excuse me??? Okay, now we've entered into straight-up psychological abuse. You're telling a grown man when he can see his own damn family? Imagine if that was reversed, we'd be getting on the women's abuse hotline immediately. So there you have it. "Dear Future Husband: I'm a controlling bitch. Your family can't save you. Suck it up and smile."
Look, I get that it's hard out there. Women being judged solely by their appearance, women who are average-size called fat because they're bigger than a size 4, rape jokes, rape threats, men who say they just "can't take a joke." It's an ugly, ugly world sometimes. But this is not the way to combat it. So what is the way? Men and women should play to each other's strengths, and compensate for each other's weaknesses. These might be traditional gender roles, or they might not be. Treat each other as equals. Don't tell someone they can't see their damn family, for fuck's sake. Make it about love. Fair, honest love.
And that's why these lyrics get a big old F. Where is the mention of LOVE anywhere in this song? Where are kindness, and fairness? Where's being nice just because you care and want each other to be happy, instead of this weird bargaining? Where are the shared interests, the laughs, the things that actually make a marriage work? You know, the actual... feelings? Yeah, you should probably work out who goes to the grocery store, but it really shouldn't be the first thing on your mind. Todd played a clip from D-I-V-O-R-C-E at the end of his video, and I laughed so loud I mighta woke up the neighbors. Cause yeah. If this is your idea of marriage, look forward to having more than one of 'em.
Dear Future Husband: RUN.
