Don't meet (or tweet) your heroes

Social media + fan culture = toxic stew.

The phrase "don't meet your heroes" has existed for as long as I can remember. It's not something to take 100% literally, more of a caution. If you're gonna meet your heroes... be prepared.

Fan culture has also existed forever but hoo boy, has social media made it awkward. And intense. All the scary, tribal ways we process politics now is happening in pop culture too. Most people don't see it because it tends to be very young people. I only see it because music youtubers I follow occasionally point it out. And it's a problem, folks.

We have become so unbelievably homogeneous as people, just in the last 10 years. Must every single thing in our lives match up to our personal beliefs? What kind of narrow-ass way is that to live? Social media is clearly the catalyst here, but I'm not blaming social media itself. We can still learn to think for ourselves and not join the mob.

Social media essentially lets us "meet" our heroes every day. This is not a good thing. This is why I only follow two of my favorite musicians on twitter, Kay Hanley and Hayley Williams. These are people I've been familiar with for years and feel comfortable letting into my home via computer. Hell, Paramore even does a great song on this subject called "Idle Worship." I think some of their fans need to listen to these lyrics.



But social media is just the tool. How you use it is up to you. I choose to follow a small amount of people to keep the noise level down. It seems a lot of high school and college kids just get into a band and start following every member. You see the problem here? What are the odds that every member of a band you like is gonna say only stuff you approve of? And then you're gonna stop listening to them when they don't? It's almost like a trap. Human beings are not perfect, and they don't all agree. It's called fucking life.

I'm a pretty progressive person and I'm not coming from the "LOL TRIGGERED SNOWFLAKES" perspective. I HATE that shit. But I bet a lot of people would I assume I am coming from there, simply because I disagree with "cancelling" someone over one dumb tweet. I think people have become so sensitive because of our awful cultural/political climate right now - and I mean, rightly so - that they're having these extreme reactions over everything. And that doesn't help, it only serves to alienate us further from each other.

There are cases where I would stop supporting someone over "one tweet." If they used bigoted hate speech, or threatened violence against a person or an animal. But here's what happened yesterday. I've never heard either of these bands and again, I only know about it from music youtubers, so I'm not naming names. I don't care. One guy in a band on Warped Tour said something about another guy in a band on Warped Tour who I guess had spoken out about his performance anxiety. First dude basically said "We're out here doing what we love every day, why is this guy complaining about it, suck it up." Yeah, he actually said suck it up. It's a bad tweet and a bad look and as someone who suffers from anxiety, I sure as hell wouldn't follow someone who's so intolerant of it.

But would I stop listening to his music? No. No I wouldn't. Because that would imply I have to stop listening to everyone I don't agree with. I read a couple months ago that Shania Twain was all pro-Tr*mp, and I rolled my eyes and moved on. I didn't delete her songs. The two things have nothing to do with each other for me. As for what this guy said - it's insensitive, but it sounds like he doesn't understand anxiety and is just coming from a "count your blessings" kind of place. It's ignorant, but does it make him a bad person? I don't think so. And does it really even matter, if you like the music?

Don't meet your heroes, and if you accidentally meet them and they step on your foot, just let it go man. There are more important things to worry about. Don't get so caught up in these people's lives. I mean, think about it. Unless the only bands you follow are straightedge and deeply religious, your favorite musicians probably do some fucked up shit. Drugs, sleeping around, excessive drinking, etc. But we don't judge that stuff because we don't see it. We don't want to see it. But then we follow them on social media and expect them to be perfect angels?

Let's contrast this with two bigger things that have happened recently. First there's the case of Roseanne. While I found her racist tweet reprehensible, at first I wasn't sure if she should lose her whole career over one tweet. Like wow, that seems a little witch hunty. But here's why an actual bigoted tweet is different from one insensitive tweet. If you make a mean-spirited racist joke, you're probably a racist. And if you're a racist, there's probably a pattern of it going back years that just wasn't made public. I don't think Roseanne was fired over one tweet. I think it was a public catalyst to get rid of someone who's been toxic for years. I mean, if you're a bigot, you're a bigot, you know? It's not limited to twitter. There's no evidence the guy who made the dumb tweet is actually bigoted against people with mental health issues over that one comment. He was saying focus on the positive and stop complaining, in that wrongheaded way that people who don't understand mental health issues do. But ignorance and being actively bigoted are two different things.

My second example has nothing to do with social media, but still serves to contrast. Roberto Osuna, the Jays' former closer who (allegedly) physically abused his wife. I say allegedly because he has not been convicted yet, but there's no gray area here, he obviously did it. Anyway, as soon as I realized "yup, this guy I had so much stock in yesterday actually did this thing" I wanted him gone from my team and life. I didn't know if I'd be able to root for them anymore if he was there. THAT'S the kind of situation where you stop being a fan - or "cancel" to use the annoying AF lingo. It's very important we make these distinctions between actual violent crimes, or actual hate, and someone just making a bad tweet, or down the slippery slope we will go. Best case scenario, this dude was misunderstood, misspoke, or will learn from his mistake. Worst case, he's just an asshole. Imagine if we stopped listening to all rock stars who are assholes. OMG.

Don't meet your heroes unless you're prepared to know they're human. Some humans are assholes, but can still do great work. This is part of life. And unless it's an extreme case - like the kind of thing that would make the news - let's keep music, film, art, sports, etc. about what they are. They're some of the few purely enjoyable things we have out there. Let's just accept that the people involved aren't perfect and take the gift they've given us anyway. Otherwise, we're all gonna be living increasingly narrower lives. And that scares me.

How men and women can help each other out!

So I keep seeing this comment an actor made about flirting all bloody day and felt compelled to write about it. Pardon me, music lovers, let me get this off my chest and then I'll get back to talking about Weezer or whatever.

"I don't want to go up and talk to her because I'm going to be called a rapist or something."

No, the simple act of talking to a woman will not get you labelled a rapist, unless she has severe emotional issues. In which case she could accuse you of something without you ever even talking to her, and then do the same to your dog. That seems unlikely so you're probably safe, bro. If you flirt with a woman and she flirts back, that's okay and always will be okay. If she doesn't seem interested, step the eff off. That doesn't seem so complicated, does it?

Except maybe it kind of can be? I started thinking about how men and women have been socialized for so long and it's really kind of sick. A lot of discussion of this has fallen on men - men are socialized to feel they're entitled to women, to be persistent, to "break her down" til she says yes. Which can be true, and also really gross. But what about how women are socialized?

I wasn't personally raised this way, but a lot of women my generation and previous generations were - and that is to be coy. To say no or maybe when they mean yes, to string guys along because God forbid you actually act like you like a guy. Women must be pursued, or else be seen as forward, or desperate, or "not a good girl." Yeah, a lot of women were taught that being "good" means playing games with people. Being "good" means lying, or at the very least denial. All for what? To be a virgin, or appear like one? What century is this, anyway?? These old timey social mores kinda encourage stalking - and we wonder why things are so fucked up.

And even for those of us who weren't raised that way (and I really hope this next generation isn't), it's aaaaaallllll over entertainment. "Romantic" comedies can be poison. How many times has the plot of one of those things been "wearing someone down" til they get together in the end? This not only teaches women they can't be honest about being attracted to a dude, it teaches dudes that sometimes women lie about not being attracted to them. It encourages them to keep at it, which CAN lead to a woman feeling like she's being harassed. (Harassed, NOT "raped." Really wrong word to use there, Superman. Not one ya wanna throw around like a football.)

So while I think you should generally be able to tell if someone wants nothing to do with you and stop talking to them, there are gray areas here that need to be addressed. Let's stop playing games with each other. It isn't romantic, it doesn't make you "good," it just reinforces stereotypes that have done subtle but pervasive and long-lasting damage. Be honest and treat people the way you want to be treated. It's time to change the narrative. There won't be as many awful romantic comedies, but... yeah, there's really no downside to it at all! :)