The 1.99? TOTALLY WORTH IT. I am so getting my money's worth out of this post. I bring you the RODEO PRINCESS PAGEANT in all its... let's just go with glory.

How every single episode begins (hence, my shiny new tags!): "There's gonna be some real stiff competition here at the (insert regional stereotype here) Princess Pageant. The judges will be looking for that total package (hi it's called Barbie and you can buy it at Wal-mart in an actual package. you're welcome) so be prepared to bring your A-game if you wanna take home the big cro-own (cut to giant pointy thing that looks like it should be docked somewhere at NASA) and win our Ultimate Grande Fiesta Burrito Supreme (hold the lettuce)!

We've got great girls coming in from every shitty small town where there's nothing else to do! We've got Madison, she's a real little diva (cut to the little diva making a face that would curdle milk), we also have Madison, who's sassy and really knows how to rock that stage (cut to her doing moves that would make Madonna blush), and finally Madison, who's new and I've never seen before." (Sorry Madison, I see a fako princess crown in your future).

Ho hum, heard it a million times. Except wait... this time, it's being said by a GIANT MIDDLE-AGED COWGIRL and her umm... femme life partner?

Stop! Everyone go up a shirt size.

This pageant is semi-slut, I mean, semi-glitz, which means no one has any fucking clue what it means. Let's start with Lynsie. This tragically-spelled name little girl wants to be a dancer in Vegas. I really hope she means when she grows up and not y'know, tomorrow, but honestly it's kind of hard to tell.

"We're going Borderline Glitz!" Mom exclaims. Ooh, a rebel. Just don't go too crazy girl, I don't wanna see what happens when you cross the border into GLITZ. I suspect your brain gets sucked out through a vacu-tube. "I like skulls, cause they're cool," Lynsie-dear-GOD-why-not-just-name-her-Lindsey says. So basically she's gonna be a Vegas showgirl who hooks up with bikers. Awesome. She's a cute little girl, dammit! Someone stop her before it's too late! Her dad looks befuddled by the whole thing, but he also looks like he might be befuddled by corn. It's Jimmy, Lynsie's dad! I bet all his friends call him Jimbo. Every single one. As Lynsie frolics in her stripper skull outfit that will one day win the heart of a lucky guy named Dirtbag, Dad muses "Ah guess it's lahk any sport, ya gotta wear the... protective gear... or somethin... derp." Yeah, let's just go with derp. Let's also hope Dirtbag decides to wear the "protective gear." And that's right folks, dad is chewing gum at the pageant. Well it's West Virginia so I sincerely hope it's gum... oh god it's not gum, is it. :( My favorite part? The T&T crew subtitling everything he says like he's speaking BULGARIAN instead of redneck English. Man, this guy is comedy gold. He should have his own show.

For her western princess whatever wear, she's squeezed into denim and sequins, given a "bag of sugar," and told to "rock that stage." REALLY. IT HAD NOT OCCURRED TO ME TO ROCK THAT STAGE. I WAS GOING TO SIT AND QUIETLY READ. THANK YOU FOR THE INFORMATION. She appears to lick sugar off mom's finger before going onstage. I know it's the rodeo pageant and all but I'm pretty sure you're supposed to be the cowgirl, not the horse.

"This is my Daisy Duke outfit!" Um yeah... that's really not helping. I'm trying here! Oh hell, maybe you just can't fuck with destiny. Sorry, Lynsie. And I can't possibly type that name again without screaming, so moving on...

Kelci. AWESOME. You people do this just to annoy me, don't you? But pleasant surprise, this girl and her parents are normal and nice! I like them! Mom says "Kelci" (I'll grit my teeth and bear it) wants to be a model, and instead of the usual pageant mom delusion I can actually see this girl growing into a model. She has real natural beauty and grace, kind of how I imagine Gwyneth Paltrow or someone would have looked as a child. She has that pretty hair color too. And the best part? "I do natural pageants cause I want to show what I actually look like." HAL-LE-LUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLE-EEE-LU-JAAHHH! Why is this only just occurring to someone NOW?

Yay natural beauty! In case she wasn't cool enough, she has a pet HEDGEHOG. I'm JEALOUS. It's so cute and she kind of tries to pet it but it's too prickly. I may have said 'aww.' So yeah, nothing bad to say here except the dumb name and that's mom's fault, mom, you name fucker. But mom's nice too so I feel bad. BAH! Send me someone I can rip on before I start singing campfire songs or something.

Ah... it's Karmen with a K! Why a K? Who knows, maybe mom didn't want her to grow up to wear fruit on her head. The random K is really beside the point with this girl anyway, who gives us a coy look and says "sometimes I'm the devil." Ah, it's our resident Diva! Karmen is a FULL GLITZ girl in a SEMI GLITZ pageant. Clearly, something's gotta give.

The giant, possibly lesbian cowgirl comes out to remind us this is a SEMI GLITZ pageant, which means lots of sparkly shit but no orange skin, apparently. And uh oh, someone's been into the spray tanner! "Her hands give it away," a judge confides. "The hands are the toughest part to blend in." The judge seems pleased to have nabbed herself a tan rustler. I'm pleased because Karmen has a sneery 'tude that says, "I'm gonna beat all these ugly natural bitches!" Clearly she does not understand SEMI GLITZ. Well neither do I, but that's beside the point. The point is she has kind of a creepy Bad Seed vibe going on, like she wouldn't hesitate to beat another girl with her spangled cowboy boot to get that cro-own, so I'm glad she got caught, er... tan-handed.

"Semi this glitz, biotch!"

Gotta love a little girl who looks like she's always about to give you the finger. And now for something completely different, Karmen's "talent:" reciting the books of the Bible in a pink dress while pretending she's not the devil! I'm not gonna argue, that does take talent.

Stay tuned for the live exorcism!

Kelci was happy she caught her baton. Her mom was happy. Her grandma was happy. Her hedgehog was happy. And gosh darn it, I was happy too.

I kinda hope my daughter turns out like her. Sadly, she got stuck with runner-up. BOO. I didn't understand the titles in this one, which is to say I understood them even less than usual. There was no Ultimate Grande Latte with Extra Foam. The runner-ups got "princess court," and the winners got "princess," which usually means LOSER but I guess in West Virginia means WINNAH! Karmen got "Marion County Princess," which was the 2nd place supreme title. Lynsie won "Harrison County Princess" which in West Virginia-ese means ULTIMATE GRAND SLAM BREAKFAST, baby. "I guess they wanted a redneck beauty queen," she tells us. Truer words were never spoken.

One odd thing... the two rather um, large girls wearing cowboy hats who appeared randomly on stage throughout the pageant. It's not so much that they're chunky but that they're wearing brightly colored potato sacks instead of SEMI GLITZNESS, with inexplicable sashes.

I'm pretty sure this qualifies as NON GLITZ, LIKELY PURCHASED AT SEARS.

At the end they hand out the trophies, which is usually done by Miss Teenage Rodeo Queen or whatever in a slinky dress. Just what is going on here! Why are they dressed like tweedledee and tweedledum, only in less flattering outfits? What could those sashes possibly say? I kinda feel bad for these girls, they made me double take even more than Karmen's creepy emotionless singsong Bible chant. and that's saying something. Cause that will haunt my nightmares.

"Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, REDRUM, Numbers, Deuteronomy, YOU'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

I'm getting a distinct "chunky bat boy who's somehow related to the general manager" vibe here.

I also kind of wonder how 2nd place Marion County feels about that bitch Harrison County. I bet they secretly want to punch them in the face and rip off their cro-own. How was it determined who the lesser county is, anyway? Dance-off? Chili contest? Coin flip? Well next time bring your A-game, Marion County! You bunch of losers.

Tomorrow, I bring you Miss Georgia Spirit. And possibly something called the Chitlin Strut which I haven't watched yet because I'm scared. But for now, I leave you with this seemingly innocent news story. http://news.yahoo.com/recovery-mystery-pair-la-area-crashes-220449116.html - for within its bowels lurks the most awesome, horrifying, glorious piece of name fuckery I have ever witnessed. This kicks Sparkal and Makynli and even Saryniti straight to the curb. Ladies and gentlemen... I give you CHARDONNAY HOOKER. Go on, bask in it. No, it's not a private room at a strip club, it's not a girl trying to drum up business at a local vineyard, it's not even a hooker. At least, I don't think it is. To be fair they didn't mention her line of work. But I really, really hope she's something serious like a parole officer or Sunday school teacher or judge. "All rise for the Honorable Chardonnay Hooker!" bahahahaaha *falls off bed* ow.