Saturday, January 09, 2010

It's hard to know who you are when you're always alone. It's hard to find what makes you YOU without placing it in context, let alone stick to it. Like when I thought becoming a vegetarian was a good idea, I wasn't in a... colony of vegetarians, as so many others seem to be, I was a lone ranger vegetarian. And it didn't stick. Well ok, maybe I wasn't meant to be a vegetarian at all.

Or when I tried to find religion, I had a genuine interest in at least learning about the bible, etc, but... once again, I was going to church alone, I didn't know anyone and I didn't fit in. I wasn't in a happy bubbly group like all the established church-goers. So it didn't stick. Well, maybe I wasn't meant for organized religion at all.

But what am I meant for? I could come up with a million more examples like these from my life, and they all lead the same place - nowhere. The common denominator is always being alone. It's said you shouldn't define yourself by other people, but isn't that kind of part of having a life? Having a place where you belong, a group you identify with? All I've been able to stick to doing on my own is lazing around on the computer. And now I tend to pick things to do that don't require a group, a context. Solitary activities. It's not satisfying, but it's not UNsatisfying in the way the other endeavors were.