Friday, May 15, 2009

Loneliness should be a blessing, not a curse. Loneliness should be an implement to bring people together in life-changing ways. Instead everyone is proud, and lonelier. Why are people so damn self-defeating?

If only hearts glowed in the dark.

I'm better than this. I like my dorky, ditzy, crazy, spazzed-out self so much. I miss her. I want her back. I get to be her a little bit in CL... ironic, how I am so much more myself in a game than in "real life." Whatever that is. Ironic also that, through no real design of my own, I now have the life I want for myself in a game. Is this a sign I really can achieve these things? It's just so damn much easier to meet people online. I think I will be a great wife and mom, given the chance, it's getting there that's so damn hard. Why can't I meet someone wonderful in real life like I have online? I'm almost jealous... of myself. :P

I wonder how it all will end up. Maybe there are wonderful things ahead. I'm trying to not let my depression seep into my CL life, since it's the one consistently positive thing I have right now. I don't want to ruin it. But by god, sometimes it's hard and exhausting and more than anything I just want someone to talk to. It's a delicate balance. Putting on a brave and happy face, being the person I want to be, yet deep down wanting to be able to show my weakness and frustration and still be accepted. Sometimes I feel if I don't it will start affecting my game play like it does everything else. Yet I like having the fantasy world as a haven away from it all...

And most of all, I wonder if it's just me. I'm very confused. sigh.


It feels very real. So real that it hurts. It's everything I want, but it isn't real. And yet I wonder, the motivations behind it... am I the only one who feels this way? God, he just makes me feel so deeply.

Stranger things have happened. :)

I might like life if people could just be honest with each other. I might like it a lot.